New Years Eve 'eve' 2016

Its 11.44pm Friday night and I for the first time in many, many years have polished off a bottle of wine. That may not seem like much to some of you but since my girls were just a few years old, I stopped drinking apart from the occasional one. So this really is quite big for me.

Not really sure what brought it on either, except that hubbys uncle gave me a bottle of merlot for Christmas (love merlot!) and I had been itching to crack it open since Boxing night but I was picking my older girl up from work at 9pm 26th, 27th and 28th December, and lo and behold did not feel like it last night.

Right at this moment, I just kind of think "fuck it - life is too short to not stop and enjoy things in the here and now". Not quite sure what I will be saying in the morning however...

But it has been a pleasant evening. Hubby and I having a drink together out in the backyard...long time since we have done that. The simple things are the nicest...

2017 is looming towards us - I have such high hopes for it.

Wishing you all a very happy new year. May 2017 be a kind year to us all. May we surround ourselves with those that mean a lot to us, forget the bullshit and live life as it was meant to be lived...

Between Christmas & New Year 2016/17

As I start this, it is 2.24pm Thursday afternoon (29/12/16). It feels like it should be time to get dinner on but thats only because it has been such a busy morning.

Left home at 6.45am-ish to drop my big girl off into town so she could catch the coach up to Whangarei. She's gone up to spend some time with her mate, for New Years and comes back in about a week. I miss her already...(hopeless!). But hope she has a frigging awesome time.

Then I came home, had brekky and then was off to the hospital to the orthopaedic clinic about my toe. "Throw the moon boot away, you don't need it!" Talk about music to my ears!!!! He said the toes will heal themselves, they are still swollen and will stay that way for a while yet, but hey who cares!!! I could have danced down the hallway except I had to put the moon boot back on, as I only had one shoe with me (and man, they are damn heavy!). Not quite sure what I am going to do about wearing shoes just yet as the thought of cramming my left foot into a shoe brings instant tears to my eyes!

So then it was come home, have some lunch and then hubby and I went Pak n Save shopping - ugh! First time in goodness knows how long, was exhausted by the end of it but we got it done. Hubby took charge, I was really there just to drive us there and pay at the check out...so its been an extremely busy day...just chilling out, updating here before I have a wee snooze before doing dinner.

Its lovely having this time off work. I was tired and in much need of a break. We've been pretty busy, what with getting ready for Christmas Day, visitors and then my mission was to get into the crap that has been sitting out the back of our place for the last two years. It was all put out there (from every nook and cranny within this small house) when we had new carpet put in, in March or April 2015, then winter hit and then breast cancer that October and of course the rest is history. This time last year I was recovering from surgeries, battling infections, in and out of hospital and just not up for sorting shit out. Hubby and I have been going thru stuff, sorting what to keep, what to get rid of and as I am trying to get rid of stuff, he is behind me saying he wants to keep it!!!! He is terrible, a much worse hoarder than me! And while it has been pretty frantic and messy, it feels bloody good to get it done. Still a load of crap there and perhaps I will need to go through it again and see if I can fine tune it a bit more.

Leading up to Christmas was very interesting. I felt very sad a lot of the time, specially when Christmas songs came on. They have always make me a bit teary eyed, but especially since losing mum and dad, and then my beloved David. I kept thinking about the first Christmas that I won't be here and how grieved the girls and hubby will be, it was awful. I felt guilty, I felt like I should have been enjoying this time with them and making the most of it but instead I was dwelling on something that is still in the future and of which I have no control over, or limited if any. It was really quite awful, but over it now.

I have decided that 2016 has been a year of coming to terms with stuff and that 2017 is the start of the rest of my life. I want to try and leave the cancer behind as much as I can. Easier said than done, I know. I mean it is part of me, but it certainly does not define who I am. Having said that though, there have been many times when I have felt the cancer has defined who I am, to a degree. But! If anything, it has made me realise that I need to start focusing on the positives and hanging out with people who mean something to me and are happy to be a part of my journey. I want to start doing things, maybe going out of my comfort zone, though I am quite nervous about it. And not too sure where to start. Perhaps just 'living' my life is a good start.

I have also decided with the help of others, that I want to start transitioning into using chemical free things. Shampoo, conditioner, soaps, clothes washing liquid, household cleaners etc. I had been thinking about it for a while, had brought some Eco Store goodies at the Home Show to try but then decided they were quite expensive to keep up with, and then my lovely friend won an Eco Store pack for me in a competition just before Christmas. I was rapt, god it was wonderful...and then my three babies all pitched in and brought me a heap of Eco Store products for Christmas. They said when they heard that my friend had won that pack for me, they were worried, but I have said no way!!! Its great, it will keep me going for a while. I love it!!! In all honesty I don't really know what good it will do. But its worth a try right? I have never bothered to check the labels on things I have brought before, driven by price only, and to a point, I still am. If I use these products just for myself, they will last longer. But when we went grocery shopping today, I was pleasantly surprised at how many Eco Store products they are now stocking. This is probably about the second or third time I have done shopping in the last 12 months. I am more than happy to give it back to my big girl when she comes home...I definitely don't miss it...

Some of my 'Eco Store' products

Thursday 29th December 2016 - 3.23pm

A better day today

I just wanted to update from my post the other night. I have been pretty low the last couple of weeks but especially this past week. Yesterday I felt much better and am happy to say hubby is on the mend, which is wonderful and we even went out last night to get a couple of things. Today is my last day at work until Monday 9th January and I am so excited! I have been back at work for just over 8 momths without a break apart from the occasional sick day, so no wonder I am ready for a bit of time off.

Thank you all for the support you have shown, whether it be reading my blog, listening to my griping, sending me lovely messages of support - it is so appreciated and may there be many more years of it yet!!!!

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas - have a wonderful day with your loved ones as none of us know what is in store and when our time will be up. The most important thing in life is spending time with those you love.

Thank you again and see you all soon xx

Christmas Eve 'Eve' 2016 - 7.08am

Christmas grinch

I don't know where to start. I am in such a foul mood, and feel like I have been all week. I don't know if it is a menopausal mood or because I am so mad at myself for standing on that damn chair and breaking bones, ending up in this goddam moon boot. My tail bone hurts pretty much constantly - the toes don't til I bang them I s'pose god forbid. I have been taking paracetamol, ibuprofin and codeine regularly but am now trying to make do without the codeine as I only have two left. I should probably ring my GP to see if she will give me another script but its just too hard. Maybe I will do it tomorrow. Either my temper or tears are simmering very close to the top on a regular basis. I either want to rip heads off or break down and sob myself stupid. I broke down three fricking times at work yesterday. It was awful...I HATE crying but it feels all too much at the moment. I am worried about how my bones will heal, will it affect the cancer in some way, have I unwittingly put a closer death sentence on myself??? Will it screw up my trip to Australia in March next year? And what about my tailbone? That really worries me. I have cancer in my lower back bone, what if I have really screwed something up there? I am scared...I am angry at myself...what a fucking dum arse thing to do, what was I even thinking? Well obviously I wasn't. I was aware that I had to be careful not to fall, it never even occurred to me the damn chair might break. And the moon boot...I am getting used to wearing it but it does stop me from doing stuff. I can't go around the shops. I tried the other night, I went shopping walking on my boot but I was bloody exhausted afterwards and I could only go to the warehouse so was limited on what I could get. Should I be using the crutches??? Probably but whats the bloody point of giving me crutches without telling me how to use the stupid things. Its slow and its tedious. No lectures please...cos I just don't need them.
I cried yesterday cos one of the ladies at work asked how I was, I broke down and cried...I composed myself and then someone else asked what was wrong...I cried again. And then the kiwisaver man rang me and I broke down on the phone talking to him.
I had got a quote done to paint the exterior of the house, it needs it and I want it done while I am alive and can enjoy it. I do not want to add to the mortgage so I tried kiwisaver, knowing I probably wouldn't get it but I have seem other mbc ladies say they got access to theirs so I figured there could be a possibility. They wanted to know the ins and outs of a ducks arse, so I gave it to them, got it signed off by a JP (my boss luckily) and sent it off. Got a phone call bout a week later to say the form I had used was an old one (it was a form I had from when I was still off work earlier this year) and had to re-do the application - fuck! So he sent me a new one and I had to have it back to him by Fri 22rd Dec. We talked and basically he said I probably would not be successful with my application as I earn too much and I am not close enough to death just yet (my words, not his) but if I could get a doctor to put something in writing, it could help my case. He said the application would go on to another person/department but he would try his best to push my application through as much as he could. I basically decided there and then it was too damn hard, I could not be bothered digging out all that info again, so I broke down while talking to him yesterday and said to scrap it...that I knew I wasn't half dead yet since that was a qualification.  I felt sorry for him, he was really polite and just doing his job but I felt sorry for me more. I did apologise but I just felt "b-r-o-k-e-n".  I have put myself together again with a few plasters but it feels like the sticky isn't very sticky so will be easy to fall off.
Christmas is a few days away and I don't have a festive bone in my body, broken or not! And that is not like me. I normally love Christmas but this year I could quite easily ignore it, tell everyone else to go to nana's while I stay home and wallow, I just cannot summon up any enthusiasm. Hubby hasn't been well either and has had an awful reaction to meds he was taking so we are in the midst of getting that sorted. I feel I have to go to his appointments with him as he gets things so fuddled, but I am worried about him too. Where does this shit end..when I'm dead?
I am now tossing up whether to go to the bank and top up the mortgage. I don't really want to but nor do I want to leave the girls a house that is in desperate need of repair. And there is already so much for hubby to do, he is only one man, doing shit on his own. Wouldn't it be nice if he had a son he could count on...yeah right!
There are a couple of silver linings though...first one is I finish work on Fri 23rd Dec and don't go back to work til Mon 9th Jan. I cannot wait until Fri afternoon, I have shit around here I want to do and to be able to sleep in. The other silver lining is I go to see the orthopaedic clinic on Thurs 29th Dec. I want to know what exactly is going on with my toes, whether I am screwing them up more by walking on the boot without the crutches and getting some proper instruction on what to do and not do. That I am excited about, not Christmas...I am sure once the day is here, I will be fine - its just the lead up to it.
I feel like a miserable old hag, but I can't help it and I don't really have anything left in the tank to do anything about it right now. I'll just wait for those silver linings and see what happens

Wednesday 21st December 2016 - 7.34pm

What have I done

What have I done? I have only gone and broken two toes on my left foot...I had brought some christmas lights and wanted to have them put up out the back by the time my baby got home from work as a surprise. She got a surprise alright but not the one I was hoping to give her. She got a surprise to hear that mum was in the ED department at the local hospital! I had been standing on wooden chairs to put these damn lights up when one just completely broke beneath me and I went down with a crash and fell backwards onto my tailbone and very luckily not hitting my head. I kind of figured straight away I had broken one toe due to the angle it was sitting at. After hours of sitting up in ED, my foot blew up like a balloon and two of my toes turned black and purple. I am now in a moon boot for the next six weeks with crutches. God what an idiot! What was one of the things I was told by the oncologist at our first appointment? "Don't put yourself in a position where you could break any bones" dum, dum, dum - I am so pissed off at myself.

Two days later, I am struggling to use these stupid crutches. It is very slow moving, I find I can get round quicker without them but then I got told off today that I am not allowing the fractures to knit together while I am putting my weight on my foot.

I had an appointment today with the breast surgeon, or one of her team I should say. It was really a waste of time. She just checked my implant and the other side where the saggy bit of skin is left from loss of implant. I told her I hate both the implant and the boobless side. She said they will do whatever they can to make me feel better about myself, whether that be to take out my existing implant or put in a new implant to replace the one I lost. I need to make a decision on what I would like. I told her even though I hate the implant, it is vanity that makes me feel I would not be able to go 'flat'. She was lovely actually and said it's not vanity at all. Breasts are like limbs, we have grown up with them and miss them when we no longer have them. There is no hurry to make this decision. The thought of going back on the table again for more surgery makes me quite nervous. Funnily enough, I don't really have a fear of getting another infection - completely different circumstances it would be this time.

Tomorrow I was supposd to have my next Zometa imfusion. I rang the oncology imfusion ward yesterday to advise them of what had happened and would it have any effect on having my infusion. For some reason, it just didn't really sit well with me that I would have this stuff coursing through my body while I had a couple of breaks in my bones. The nurse checked it out with the oncologist and luckily I rang because they decided to put it off until January. I am quite happy to not have to go. I am back at work tomorrow and after having two days off work, don't really want to have to leave the office. Auckland Hospital is also surrounded by hills so I was a bit worried about parking the car and then having to walk to the acute oncology unit.

I am bloody tired and have been since the fall. I am taking paracetamol, codeine and ibuprofin. I think it might be the codeine tiring me. The good thing about taking these drugs is that I have not been experiencing my usual aching. I was just going to start taking the paracetomol/ codeine the GP had given me in the mornings with my daily meds to see what kind of difference it would make when
this happened.

Hard to believe Christmas is less than two weeks away. I don't have a festive bone in my body at this stage. I definitely will not be going Christmas shopping with a moon boot and a pair of crutches! My two big kids went up the road last night to buy some new decorations for our tree. Both the tree and our decorations were looking a bit aad, but looks lovely with a bit of a facelift. The kids have given it a black and gold theme and I think it looks beautiful

Tuesday 13th December 2016 - 6.20pm

Grotty week

Bloody hell, what a bloody awful week this has been. I have felt very out of sorts and I don't really know why. It is probably a combination of having a super busy weekend last week, having a sick husband, late nights with a touch of hormonal crap mixed in. I normally have quite a sunny disposition, try to see the positives but I did not feel like being that way this week. I couldn't be bothered making conversation with anyone, I bit peoples heads off, I didn't give two shits about anyone...it was awful. I have been tired and really feeling the pressure of working full time, and came home Monday afternoon at 2.30pm, exhausted. So, so lucky to have a supportive work environment.

It kind of came to a head this morning. I went to my nutritionist appointment this morning and broke down and sobbed my eyes out. I am just fed up with everything. I hate the weight I have put on, I hate that I have to watch what I eat particularly sugar because it is so bad for cancer. I hate that I should be exercising because I hate exercise (once I start I am fine, its the getting going that is tough).  I hate lots of things at the moment. Its just a mood and I will get over it at some stage but its bloody exhausting in the meantime. My eyes feel so heavy and tired yet I am unable to go to sleep just yet. I hope that by writing this, it will help ease my crappy mood.

The other day at work, the song 'Maniac' came on (from Flashdance) and I just wanted to break down there and then, I had such vivid memories of David, it was almost like he was there in reach, for me to touch and I felt the loss of him quite dramatically, almost like when he first died. David loved the movie 'Flashdance', it was one of his favourites. Personally I think he loved Jennifer Beals more than the movie! And so to hear this song out of the blue and while I was in this state of mind, hit hard.  I find that David is on my mind often, not that he has ever left it, but he is always lurking there in the background. I wonder if he was aware that he was dying, I wonder if we will meet again when I die or will I just be nothing nowhere except a passing thought in others minds. And once I find out, I won't be able to come back and tell anyone, cos so far no one has been able to.

The thought of dying is confronting. The fear of it is even worse. I belong to a support network of women with mbc and it is wonderful. It is also very scary because I wonder if this is what I have to come a bit further down the track. I am so well, why do I go on about dying? Because I have a disease that will one day kill me and I don't know when. It is terrifying, but I don't want to live the rest of my life feeling like this. I want to make the most of it, but how can I when I feel so tired all the time. Why can't I forget that I have this? How lucky am I compared to those in wartorn countries where they don't even have homes, when they don't know when their next meal will be, where they don't even know if their families have survived or not...why don't I feel lucky?

I have a hospital appointment on Tuesday morning with the breast surgeon, not really sure why. I haven't seen her since around about the time I lost my implant. And then I have my next infusion / hormone injection on Wednesday.

My eyes are feeling really tired, I feel like I will be able to sleep now...

Saturday - 10th Dec 2016 - 3.06pm

Thank you for the kind thought

My baby came home last night after she had been hanging out with a friend after work, armed with a gift from her friend and her friends mum.

Thank you 'J' for your lovely thought and please pass on my thank you to your mum. It's quite humbling to receive such kindness. Big hugs xx

Monday 5/12/16 - 7.11am (oops, off to work now!)

Catching up on last few weeks

Its been a fairly quiet past few weeks, hence no posts lately. But I guess quiet is good eh...I much prefer the 'boring' humdrum of life because it means nothing out of the ordinary happening.

Its been a fairly busy weekend this one. I went to church with my sister-in-law on Friday where we were treated to a hangi and performances. It was lovely. A few people got up and spoke about their lives before asking Christ to come into their lives. At times I asked myself if I should be. Will it make this journey easier? Would I find the thought of dying easier because I would know that one day I would be meeting my maker? I don't know...obviously not there as yet if ever.

Its been quite a busy week this one. Out for dinner to a Korean restaurant on Tuesday night. It was a gift and I was able to share that gift with my mate. It was lovely and we got to meet a lovely couple who also shared this experience with us.

I have had the chance to catch up with  a few family members who live out of Auckland, which is always lovely. Never long enough, but always enjoyable and grateful they think of us.

All in all it has been a very social week and now it is Sunday evening, work again tomorrow but I can go to work feeling like I have done something besides sit at home trying to psyche up the energy to do another 40 hours of work. I take that as a positive. It means I am getting my energy levels up and enjoying getting out and about.

I have been talking the past few months about going to Australia to spend some time with my sister and family. It is now becoming real as I have applied for and received my passport and am hoping to be off this week sometime to book my tickets. No husband and no children. Just my cousin and I. We both deserve some time out and are a good support system for each other so it seems only fitting we go over together. I hope he finds it as relaxing as I will and not get bored, especially by two sisters who are yakking their heads off. The plan is to go sometime in March, once the weather has calmed down a bit but not when it is cold. Can't wait!

I have been talking to people lately about wanting to mark each birthday now as they come. I don't mean by having a party but to celebrate it in some way. As we get older, we tend to not want to admit to our age or feel wistful and wishing we were younger. Me...if there is something I have learnt is that I will be happy to make as many more birthdays as possible and get as old as possible. I will be 52 next year and proud of it! I don't want them to go too fast of course!

My hands have been aching quite a lot today, both of them which is quite unusual. Funnily enough I had to go see my GP the other day and she was asking how I am. I told her about the achiness and she told me off when she found out I don't take anything for it, unless I am really feeling it. I told her I don't want to keep taking them for fear of my body getting used to them and I want to leave it in case I end up in a lot more pain further down the track. Basically she said that is bollocks (she didn't put it like that though!) and said you don't get immune to pain meds and if my pain does get a lot worse, the pain meds will get a lot stronger so she has prescribed me something. I even admit to taking some but still very tentatively. She told me it would give me a much better quality of life...sounds bloody awful, like I'm on my last legs already!

My house has been very quiet today. Hubby is unwell and has been in bed for most of the last few days. I hate seeing him like this actually, poor bugger. Hopefully he will be better soon. My big girl is hung over, and has been in bed all day, young daughter has been working all day and her boyfriend has been out all day. So this cancer person has actually been the healthiest one here all day!!! How funny is that! I've been cleaning, washing, hanging clothes out, bringing clothes in, cooking dinner...phew! Its been a while since I've done all that and apart from an aching back (no pain meds) I have actually felt quite productive. Also quite glad I don't have to do it all the time!

Must be time for a cuppa...

Ultrasound for neck gland

Why is it that your brain starts to tick over in the middle of the night? Its dark, its quiet, I have already been asleep for a little while but have woken up and now unable to go back to sleep. I am due to have my ultrasound on my neck gland at 11.00am (its now 1.23am) and I am nervous as hell. I have tried not to think about it too much and its good because everyday life gets in the way, but those times where I have really stopped to think about what could be, I get such a sinking feeling in my stomach and feel quite nauseous.

Its hard not to worry about what could be. This is what having this awful disease does to you. It makes you paranoid at every turn. Fingers crossed that this worry and paranoia is all for nothing - I think I would be quite ecstatic...

If a biopsy is done at the same time as the ultrasound, it could take up to two weeks to get the results and then it will be a matter of when my next oncologist appointment will be to find out.

Wednesday 16th November, 2016 - 2.20am

*********************************************************************************


I went for an ultrasound on my neck gland on Wednesday. It has on a pretty regular basis felt achy like when they are swollen and it hurt slightly when I would swallow. Not to the extent as when you have an infection but nonetheless it is there. It comes and goes. The ultrasound has not shown up anything which is a huge relief, she said both sides look absolutely normal. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I wonder what will happen now. Will it get investigated in some other way or simply keep a close eye on it and see what happens over time. I am sure this will be discussed at my next oncology appointment. But such a huge sigh of relief...and no biopsy required!!!!

I had a close friend come with me for company which was lovely and we killed a couple of hours between appointments. Ultrasound at Greenlane and then off to Auckland for my infusion. We even managed to get in a bit early, which was great for getting home on the motorway. Haven't appeared to have any side effects at all, but just this evening am feeling like I am seizing up quite a bit. My back is aching and also the left side by my implant is aching. That is something new but possibly just because I am so tired.

another infusion over for another 28 days - these make you realise how quickly time goes by

Friday 18th November, 2016 - 10.56pm

Video clip

Since October is breast cancer awareness month, I decided to share my story with work in a visual way. I asked if they would be interested in doing a video of me talking about my story, to try to encourage the education of breast cancer. And so it was done. It was put on works facebook page and people were encouraged to share it in order to spread the word. I shared it to my page, asking others to do the same. The end result was that it was shared 43 times, 'viewed' 1700 times and apparently according to stats was 'seen' over 5000 times. I don't quite know the difference between viewed and seen but these were the stats given. The video has also been put on works website and put up on youtube, which hasn't had quite the same impact but that is a much bigger platform. I am rapt with the response. It has definitely exceeded any figures I may have had floating around in my head.

I have included a copy of the youtube video, for those of you that would like to see it. There are no bells and whistles. It is simply me, talking in a short space of time about my diagnosis, what will happen and why I wanted to do this video. It is something I have become quite passionate about and even now as I look at it, I tear up. It is still so raw...I think it is because it is still hard to believe that this is really happening.

I think I would like to continue doing this sort of thing, perhaps to small groups. Not sure I could summon up the courage to speak in front of a lot of people. But everyone needs to realise that this is a deadly disease. If not caught early you could die.

Thank you for watching,
Tania.

Thursday 10th November, 2016 - 9.55pm

Thank you

I had a pretty 'down' night last night after going to bed and starting to think about things.  This evening I have had a number of people make direct contact after reading it to make sure I was ok. I am fine however, I am sure there will be more of those times to come.

I really appreciate the concern shown, and just wanted to say 'thank you', and for a variety of reasons. For following or reading this blog, for touching base from time to time, for caring and for allowing my thoughts whether they be good or bad, into your life.

Monday 7th November, 2016 - 12.22am

A dark moment

As I lie here in the dark alone except for Ember, (our black cat) who is lying right up against me, fireworks going off all around, I feel a wave of sadness and I am scared. Thoughts have gone back to the neck gland and the worry of what it could mean. I am wondering should I start clearing out the crap in my drawers? Should I put on hold the plans I have to go see my sister in Aussie? What if I am going to need chemo? Does that mean I will have to chuck my job? How will we cope financially since I am the income earner and pay all the bills? I feel sick to my stomach, and I feel so so alone. I don't want to burden anyone and its hard to explain to others the gravity of how I feel. This is what having a terminal illness does to you. Maybe terminal is too extreme...lets say incurable. I want to cry but I don't want to because I hate crying. I will just lie here with a stiff upper lip and stew on things until I stew myself to sleep.

I feel a sense of loneliness with the girls having grown up. They are getting older and have lives of their own and thats how it should be but I miss doing things with them. We don't even have dinner together anymore. Even the basics have gone by the wayside. They don't really need me anymore so I guess my job is done. I don't mean that in an awful way, its the circle of life isn't it. One day I won't be here and they will feel it. But in the meantime, I refuse to be one of those mothers who hangs onto her kids like a limpet and has to be going off out with them everywhere.

I hate that this has happened. I try so hard (and most of the time its easy) to be positive and to continue living my life but there are times when I want to rip my hair out and scream til I am blue in the face. This is so unfair...isn't it enough that I lost David all those years ago and that I lost my two babies before we were finally successful in having our two beautiful girls. Isn't it enough that I have had to take over the lone struggle of being responsible for running the household (financially) because someone decided to chuck their job and unsuccessful in finding another one...isn't it enough that I have to put on a brave face for everyone else because people can't cope with the reality...isn't it just enough?

Thank goodness I am a strong person, or am I? You just have to handle shit, what other choice do you have...

Do I feel better after getting this all out? No I don't.

I feel sick to my stomach and I feel mad - mad and scared

Saturday 5th November, 2016 - 11.34pm

Be kind to my body day today / oncology update

Last night hubby lit a fire out the back in the umu hole, to burn twigs, small branches and leaves from trees he had cut down earlier in the year. The 'kids' were all out, it felt a bit lonely so I sat outside with hubby watching the fire burn. Where once upon a time I would have plonked myself on the ground, I sat myself in the beach chair I had been given (since I can no longer lie on the ground at the beach either), cuppa in hand, mobile phones and ipad beside me and enjoyed some nice quier time watching the beauty of the flames. Unfortunately I also had a few small embers blow my way of which one landed on my leg without me realising until it grew extremely warm in the one spot, so,had to jump up and shake it off! Blow me down, then another landed right beside me on the plastic of the chair I was sitting on, so had to jump up quickly (no such thing for me anymore!) again and brush it off. Husband getting a good laugh out of it, actually so did I. Probably the fastest I have moved in a long time, or at least in the last 12 months.

The fire was letting off so much heat, and I was a bit worried that an ember might land on either my implant or my prosthesis so kind of kept my arm over my implant. A new prosthesis you can buy, not quite so easy with an implant eh...

Unfortunately this morning when I woke up, my body was completely aching all over...shoulders, back, feet and I had no oomph so decided to stay home from work or at the very least have a bit of a lie in and go in late. Me thinks it is from sitting outside for those 3 or so hours in a beach chair and with it chilling down as the evening wore on. Anyhow, I tossed and turned with the decision whether to stay, whether to go, all the while trying to remind myself that sometimes I need to take time out and be kind to my body and it really felt like this was one of those days. Unfortunately I have always felt guilty when I have stayed home, even when my girls were little and were sick. The other factor is always money - what don't we pay when I haven't had a full week of work? I mean we do ok but I hate dipping into our meagar savings to make up the shortfall. Crap isn't it, when you have an incurable cancer and you still have to worry about bloody money.

So now this stupid cancer has an effect on how I chill out at the beach ((I even have to re-think the beach chair idea) and when we are having a fire out in the backyard. This has always been a past time which we as a family have enjoyed, usually toasting marshmallows over it while getting smoked out and sore eyes - its fun..but smelly.

But on the up side, I have stayed home today and was blessed with a visit from an old work colleague whom I have not seen since he moved jobs. It was such a surprise, it completely blew me away and has just made my week.

Oncology update:

I had a phone call yesterday afternoon from the oncologist whom we saw the other week. In a previous post I had mentioned about telling the oncologist about how one of my neck glands feels a little sore from time to time but on a regular basis. She had examined it and could feel something but when I would turn my head from side to side, it would disappear. Originally she had said they would keep an eye on it but it has now been decided to send me for an ultrasound to see what they can find. If there is anything of concern, a biopsy will be done at the same time. So now, it is must a matter of waiting for an appointment.

For the rest of the afternoon and even as I think about it now and type this, I feel ill in the pit of my tummy with the fear of "could this be cancer growing in another spot of my body". What if it is in my gland, that means it is not just in my bones - it is in a soft tissue. I have been told if you have cancer in your bones, you can live for years. How does it change if it moves to soft tissue? And then when I went on fb not long ago, I read something about someone having BC in one of their neck glands. I had to close it down quickly, I couldn't face seeing it and couldn't believe the timing of it. The fear is always there. Nothing is predictable.

I am impatient to have this ultrasound done but I am terrified of what they will find. Its pointless getting in too much of a funk about it, its a waste of energy and will just drag me down, but believe me, its there (the worry), sitting in the back of my mind, churning my tummy over. Lets hope its all for nothing...

Friday 4th November, 2016 - 3.46pm

A glorious weekend in Auckland...

Wow!!! What a glorious weekend we have had - both Saturday and Sunday! Both days I have sat out on the front deck soaking up the rays. Makes me so grateful to be alive and doing so well!!!! In between enjoying the sunshine, I have even been a little productive. I was given some swinging baskets on Friday (thank you again missy) and so I was a little impatient to get them sorted so hurriedly brought a few plants and popped them in and quickly hung them up out the front. This is my new little piece of paradise simce our back area is such a mess and so I want it to look pretty. Will be better once the plants grow and you can actually see them...

Even the cats are enjoying soaking up the sun 😎☀️🌞

 

And today while I was sitting out here I suddenly felt the urge to go out and get myself some summer clothes. I dislike shopping immensely and of course the end result is always that I end up with aching feet but I had a couple of vouchers in my purse so I was out that door before I could talk myself out of it...

I slightly overspent more than the vouchers but what the hell, I don't often spend money on myself so I am super happy to say I have come home with a bit of a stash. And yup...my feet are hurting but the weather is so damn beautiful, I just don't care. Roll on summer I say. I am so excited for it. I missed out completely on summer last year as I was either recovering from my double mastectomy, recovering from the horrendous infection I had or in and out constantly of hospital/s (juggling between North Shore and Middlemore).

We have even been for our first beach trip to Martins Bay last weekend on Sunday (Labour weekend). Just hubby, older child and myself. Child and myself went for a swim - freezing bloody cold but completely invigorating. Unfortunately when we got out, I decided to lie down on the grass to dry off, so I was flipping from back to tummy, back to tummy and when it was time to get up to pack the car up and come home again, it was 'ok' - I was as slow as an ol' turtle but when we got home (an hours drive) - I was in pure agony...obviously I am past the days of lying on the hard ground plus sitting in the car for any length of time also takes its toll on me. In general it is hard to get up out of a seat but hey, thats ok...

Goddam, it is good to be alive - funny how your attitude perks up when theres a bit of sun...

Sunday 30th October 2016 - 3.31pm

Not such a good day...

Have had a rough few days but without trying to let it show to anyone...I am so over the cancer thing.  I feel like my life is consumed by it at the moment - I wonder if that thought will change as time goes by.


A combination of things have set me off:

• I joined a closed group on fb for those with metastatic bc and it can be a little overwhelming to see some of the posts.  They are a mixture of good and 'not so good', but it is definitely a great tool and support network for any queries I may have, or may want to get something off my chest without posting it on here where loved ones can see and read it
• I attended a webinar on Tuesday night for those living with advanced bc (it all means the same - metastatic / advanced / secondary / incurable / terminal)
• I have done a video for work to put on their fb page and other social media, and I was sent a copy of it to watch and listen to yesterday afternoon.  I cried my heart out after I watched it. I hear myself saying those words, but to actually see myself say them, and to see myself get upset - its a little confronting.  I certainly don't regret doing it - its far too important to not share it.  I am kind of dreading it being put up - to opening myself up so widely in such a visual way to firstly, people I work with and secondly, to complete strangers.  Words on paper is one thing, but to be able to see me visually is something different. 
• And then to top it off, a lovely gentleman whom we had dealings with through work passed away very suddenly yesterday morning.  My dealings with him were quite minimal but it was such a shock to hear, and it has brought home my own mortality

And so at the moment, I am in 'shut down mode' and don't feel very sociable.


I feel so resentful that this has happened - and I want to bury my head in the sand and forget forever it is happening.  IT IS SO DAMN UNFAIR......................


On the plus side, no side effects from yesterday's infusion, apart from feeling slightly stiffer than normal in my joints but that is easily dealt with.  Thank goodness for no more awful side effects.


I need to try and remember there are always positives and at times we all need to be reminded of them.  But unfortunately today, its not quite helping with the feeling of self-pity and I just keep thinking I AM GOING TO DIE OF THIS SHIT DISEASE AND I DON'T KNOW WHEN...and how much pain will I be in and what indignities will I have to endure...


I just want to break down and sob my heart right about now...


Does this get better as times goes on and I get 'used' to it?  I am going to drive you all insane as well as myself.


Sorry guys...


Thursday 20th October 2016 - 1.26pm

Oncology appointment - 19 Oct 16

Today was my oncology appointment before going to have the infusion and hormone shot. It was great that we pretty much got in on time or so it felt like. Not too much happened which I expected. My baby was my note taker today as my mate had work commitments and she did a bloody awesome job.

I asked about the aches I get in my back, how my feet throb but forgot to mention that my hands can also get quite sore. I had always put it down to the exemestane tablets I am on, but she said it is probably a combination of everything including the zometa infusion. But its copable, so thats ok. A lesion had been picked up on my lung at last CT scan which they were pretty sure it had nothing to do with the cancer and they still maintain that. They will check it when I am due to go for next lots of scans but at last acan, it was very miniscule. If it has grown in that time, it could potentially be cancer. They don't seem too fussed, so I'm not either.

I have had a slightly sore right neck gland and sometimes I can feel it when I swallow, so I queried that today as well. I had gone to my GP when I first felt it but that's as far as it went. Because it has been on and off over a period of a few months now, I thought I should question it with the cancer doc's. The oncologist (a different lady today) said she could feel something, but when I turned my head either way, she couldn't so she says it isn't a swollen gland but there is so something there. Nothing has shown up on scans but she has made a note of it and they will keep an eye on it. While I don't feel the need to panic about either of these things, a part of you does wonder, "shit has it spread" but I just don't see the point in worrying until I have something to worry about.

And then basically it was time to wander down to acute oncology for the infusion. Hubby stayed out in the waiting room, sitting himself into a nice comfy lazyboy chair while young child and I were escorted into a room on our own. Usually, I am in a room with lots of other people but they were super busy today. I had a lovely young nirse, who I have had before. We both recognised each other, and so we joked around and had a few laughs.

Young child was taking pics of me and instagramming them...no, thats not it...what is it dammit...oh yep, snapchattimg. Got a message back from younger niece (16) in Australia - cute.

Waiting, waiting, waiting...

 Flushing line before starting zometa...

Feeding me to keep me happy while hooked up...

                                                                      Young child and I amusing ourselves while being 'infused'

So thats another infusion over for another 28 days. Next one is 16th November. Hopefully no side effects - I didn't last time, so should be all good. 

Wednesday 19th October 2016 - 8.08pm

I am just me

I have been away for the weekend with my close mate down to Hamilton. It was a chance for the both of us to just have some quiet time, for ourselves. I think we are both the glue who holds our families together and I was given this opportunity by her to 'unstick' myself for a while. It was lovely. It was away from Auckland but close enough that it didn't take the bulk of the day to get there. We had a wonderfully huge suite holding two queen sized beds along with a lounge suite and dining suite.

We were a hop, skip and a jump from the casino so were able to go and have a flutter both Friday night and again Saturday afternoon. I was crap at it, so have decided that will not be my new hobby - too damn expensive for a start off! But it was fun to give it a try. We had a pedicure, and if you know me, then you know how much I hate feet, regardless of whether they are mine or anyone else's. I refuse to touch anyone's feet and I don't like mine to be touched. So for me to have a pedicure / foot massage, then you know my feet must be bloody well aching something chronic...and you know what? I LOVED IT!!!! And I am going to have one on a reasonably regular basis. My feet throb terribly at times, from the meds so this can be a little treat for me. Never ever thought I would hear myself say that...so now back home again to reality. Back to work tomorrow for another week of work, but with a few appointments. Have to take hubby to the eye clinic tomorrow for a check up. Hope they stop soon. Its tough enough taking time off work for my appointments let alone his as well but the one appointment his brother took him to, I was wondering the whole time what was happening and it was driving me crazy not being there!!!

And then Wednesday is my next oncologist appointment and infusion. Not expecting too much as I haven't had any scans lately so it will be more a case of how am I doing etc. (I'll probably update after  it).

After talking at the breakfast last weekend, I had so much positive feedback. I have had people say to me that I am an inspiration and my sister calls me her hero. And with being away this weekend, my mate and I had a good chat and she was commenting on the grace and strength I have shown after being diagnosed. She says I don't see what they all see, and she's right - I don't. I always say "I am just me". I'm not a dramatic sort of person (I don't think), I take it all in my stride and what the hell is the point of panicking about shit, it doesn't change anything and that just sucks up all your energy and these days I need all the energy I can muster. Of course there are days when I feel really pissed at the world and feel sorry for myself but you've read it already, so you know - but I do feel a bit pathetic
and self pitying and I really dislike it when I feel like that. So many out there who are a lot worse off. "Reality check Tania" look at the positives - life is too short to dwell on the negative - remind me from time to time...

Sunday 16th October 2016 - 9.33pm

My chance to speak out

This morning my work held a pink and blue ribbon breakfast. Blue ribbon for prostrate cancer which is the biggest killer of men in NZ. I was invited to be a guest speaker and I happily accepted. The idea was to wing it, and then on Friday afternoon, I decided to write out what I was going to say, and then when the time came, I was so confused about what to do, I decided to wing it and use my writings to prompt me.

I didn't look at my paper once. As soon as I was introduced, I had a huge lump in my throat already and I hadn't even opened my mouth yet!!! Its still amazes me that when I utter the words "I have breast cancer", how emotional I get.  Everything I wanted to say left me and I didn't say half of what I wanted but I guess the most important thing of all, is how people need to be educated on symptoms etc and I was really getting into the swing of that!

Hopefully I can upload the video that my baby took on her phone. The first part is missing and she has had to cut it into two short versions so fingers crossed I can upload them to here for you to see. Its a bit hard to hear in some parts but please just bear with it. I think when it begins I am explaining that I had cancer in both sides...

It is super strange to hear yourself speak - is that how I really sound? But I am so glad I did it...I am so fired up about people learning about this goddam disease and if it has to be detected, early detection is the key...

Sunday 9th October 1016 - 12.44pm

When I try to play the video's, it say an error has occurred. I'm tecnologically challenged so I'm not quite sure how to fix it. I'll see what others have to say, and may have to end up deleting them.


Tuesday 11th October 2016

I have ended up deleting the videos as the two options open to me to get them uploaded each held a drawback as far as I was concerned (thank you Kirsty for your help and advice). All I know is that being given the chance to speak to others about what I have been through was a wonderful experience even though I choked up (I hate it when I cry!). Being told my cancer has spread has frightened me more than I can ever really verbalise, even if I have been told I could live for years (but thats part of the unknown isn't it) and my story could have been completely diffferent if I had gone to the doctors when I discovered that lump. If I can make a difference in someone else's life so that they don't make the same mistake would be absolutely amazing.

6.01pm - 11/10/16

Ugh...implants

I miss my old boobies...old and saggy though they were, they were a part of me. This foreign body, piece of silicone shit is not and right at this moment I detest it as well as my non-boob side. Where I lost the implant is soft, yucky, puckered up skin that sags to the side and I can feel it agaimst my arm when I stand. I guess at least when I have my bloody prosthesis bra on, it kind of holds it in place. Take the damn thing off and its like a piece of melting jelly and just flops - ugh...wish I could get a pair of scissors and cut it off (gag)

The implant side has this roll of fat from the 'boob' and going around under my arm towards my back.  (Why women get these damn things cosmetically baffles me). It hurts on the scar line underneath, the implant is hard, soft and weird all at the same time. I really wish I had opted to stay flat. But vanity prevailed and now it is coming back to haunt me. I hate this...I bloody hate breast cancer...I bloody wish this hadn't happened...I bloody wish I had checked that damn lump out when I first felt it...

I'm tempted to take a photo to put up but I don't really want to be responsible for making you throw up your breakfast, lunch or dinner.

I hate that it is hard for me to lift my arms up in the air...I hate that my feet throb constantly (went around barefoot at work this morning cos so bloody sore)...I hate that my body aches and that I am like an old lady when I get up out of my chair...I hate that the joints in my hands get sore and sometimes I have to modify how I lift or hold things...

Most of all I hate that I have turned into this whinging old bitch who feels sorry for herself. Where has the sunny, happy Tania gone...bring her back! There are so many people out there going through so much worse and I am worried about having a silicone boob and sore feet. What a sook...kind of puts things into priority - until next time when I forget again.

Tuesday 27th September, 2016 - 9.16pm

Sweet Louise meeting

The Sweet Louise meeting today was great. It was a small group (7 or 8) compared to about 12 last time but we were all able to chat together as a group and chime in when you wanted to.  It is so interesting to hear other womens experiences and you almost feel quite normal! Funnily enough, a couple of ladies brought up what I was grumping about last night - the loss of those that you have invested in and it doesn't get reciprocated. It was great to hear their perspective and to know that I'm not alone in those feelings.

So all in all, a really nice bunch of ladies, some of whom have been through so much but continue to see the positives in life and to make the most of it. Really uplifting!

There is going to be a couple of ladies talk on Wednesday morning about Sweet Louise, on The Cafe (?) on TV3 so I must record it. They are trying to get the word out about what they do and how they help those with incurable breast cancer. They offer support to those that need it and every year each member gets $600 worth of Sweet Louise vouchers which can be used at various places. The reason for them is so they can be used for yourself, to spoil yourself in some way. I.e. massages, family portraits, hire-a-hubby, meals delivered, movies, gardening and the list goes on. I haven't used mine yet, still deciding on how I would like to use them. Its quite hard getting your head around the fact that you have this amount to be used on yourself when everything you have always done is for your family or others in general.

So, a positive start to the week...

Thank you to my school buddy who messaged me this evening to make sure I was ok after reading my post from last night - its truly appreciated.

Monday 26th September, 2016 - 11.13pm (cripes, no wonder I get tired at work!)

Why do I...

Why do I continue to grieve for lost friendships? Why can I not put them behind me and get on with it? Thats not quite true, of course I have got on with 'it' but every so often, I stop and wonder what happened, but most of all, I wonder why haven't they contacted me to say they are sorry to hear about what has happened. And then there are those that you thought you were close to, but they don't even bother making contact to simply ask 'how you doing'. And as much as I try to forget it and wipe it out of my mind, it keeps creeping back in. My girls often say to me 'you don't need them mum, you have other friends' and I know they are right. But I can't help but feel hurt. I want to shout out to the world, 'if you can't be bothered with me when I'm alive, don't bother coming to my funeral - I won't need you when I'm dead...' Is that awful? Am I being self centred? God, I go on so much about how people nowadays are self centred and are so wrapped up in their own world, they can't spare a thought for anyone else. Maybe I am turning into one myself...oh cripes please, if that is how you see me, let me know, give me a shake up. I am counting on you.

Okay, okay, bitchy moment over - hopefully this will get it out of my system. Gotta stop feeling sorry for myself.

Its after midnight, actually its almost 1.00am and I still have to get up in the morning for Sweet Louise meeting before going to work for the rest of the day. Better get some sleep...

Monday 26th Sept 2016 - 12.59am

A busy week

It has been a busy week since my last post:

Last Sunday I had a visit from a family friend whom I have known all my life. Our families were always intertwined with each other when we were younger, but as we have gotten older, we have all gone our separate ways and seldom see each other now. With the help of face book we are able to stay in some kind of contact. It was wonderful to see this lovely lady again as I haven't seen her for a number of years. We had a good catch up but emotion caught up with me, and I broke down in tears. God, I hate crying, and I especially hate crying in front of others. I see it as such a weakness, not in others, but in myself. (I don't know why I am so hard on myself)

Monday was my older daughters birthday - turning 20! It was a quiet night but she had been out with her mate during the day and her sister took her out to get a piercing and she had drinkies around home last Saturday with a couple of her mates. I now have a year to put some money away for her 21st. I wish her dad could see her - she is such a beautiful young lady, beautiful on the inside as well as on the outside. He would be so proud of her - of both his girls. I can see him so clearly in my mind, calling out to the girls and having a joke with them. His voice is so vivid, its almost like he is talking inside my head. His laughter was something else, guaranteed to make the staunchest person crack a smile.

Tuesday night I attended a BC support group meeting. It was a wet and miserable night so there was only a handful of us but I found it really interesting. Everyone had their turn to talk about their diagnosis and treatment, and how they felt, how they coped - whatever they wanted to share really. It was interesting to hear what the other ladies had to say. No two stories were the same. I broke down when I was talking, mainly when talking about having to tell the girls and seeing them get upset and worrying about them and how they were going to cope with all of this. No matter how much I think I have my head around it, it still hits me every so often. I find though that when I talk extensively about it, lots of feelings come flooding into my mind. When I got up on Wednesday morning, I was quite angry and had a wee bit of a rage in my head about how unfair this is but as usual once I got to work, I was fine as I have other things to focus on - thank goodness. It is hard to put into words how I feel being able to talk to other women who have had breast cancer. They know how you feel, they know the shock of being told you have this awful disease, and they know the crap that goes with it. The love and support of family and friends is priceless but to talk to others in the know is something else.

Wednesday, I had my Zometa infusion (bone strengthening) and Zoladex (hormone shot). All went well. A close friend came to pick me up and take me which was lovely. She was supposed to come in with me, but because parking is so crap at Auckland Hospital, she ended up dropping me off and had to park at the domain (close to the museum) and so I had to text her when I was ready to be picked up. It kind of defeated the purpose as we were hoping to catch up, but we managed to squeeze in a quick cuppa before dropping me back to work but the gesture of taking me was appreciated. As for my appointment - no major issues with finding a vein, though they went straight to putting my hand in a bucket of 'hot' water. I guess they have been through this many, many times before. Even my hormone shot was ok. Last months hurt like hell and I had an awful bruise for about two weeks afterwards. But I must have put the right amount of numbing cream on and at the right time, or maybe it was the nurse who did the shot, but either way, I was impressed!

Thursday I went out for lunch and inwardly panicked as the time went by, but as I was not the driver, and considering the company I was in, went with the flow. It was lovely to catch up with them though.

Thursday evening I went out for dinner with a couple of my workmates. These ladies are two of a small handful from work who have constantly been there for me, always making time for me, and are great company as they are always smiling and laughing, and are guaranteed to turn a glum mood into a happy one. We had a lovely time doing exactly that...lots of laughing! 

Friday night was my baby girls last school Ball and she looked amazing! She'd had her hair braided earlier on in the week and I was not struck by them in the least but when I saw her dressed ready to go, she looked simply beautiful. I think I was struck speechless at first trying to think of a word that she reminded me of and her big sister said it...that she looked like an Egyptian - my Egyptian Princess...

And today, I have been able to spend some time with my friend whom I no longer work with. We worked and lunched together for almost 11 years so it is wonderful when we get to spend time together. I find lunch times at work quite tough now as I miss her. We have shared so much about our lives but like everything, things change and you just get swept up in it.

So after an extremely busy week, I have had the chance to chill out and pysch myself up for another week of work. Not quite so much going on, but my week begins on Monday with my second Sweet Louise meeting which I look forward to.

Saturday 24th September, 2016 - 7.47pm

A shared journey

A diagnosis of cancer is not a journey taken alone. It is shared by those that surround us and love us. The journey may take different paths but the end  destination is the same...fear and strength. Our loved ones are the ones who will see the change in us, who will have to cope with our moods, our rants about how nobody cares and sometimes I think that is the worst place place of all to be. Our loved ones will be the ones who have to pick up and carry on after we have gone. To deal with the devastation of the loss. I worry about my daughters, my husband and my sister. I don't mean to sound pessimistic and I know I have lots of positives and I have been told I could live for years, but the truth of the matter is that one day I will die from this damn breast cancer (unless something else gets me first). The meds I will be on will one day stop working and the cancer will spread to my organs and I will die. I am simply being honest.

People say to me "your going to be around for years" but how do you know that? Saying stuff like that to me does not help me, it frustrates me. I am a no nonsense kind of person, Perhaps by being so factual is how I deal with this. I try not to overthink things, but when it is time to have another CT and bone scan done, I am scared the oncologist will tell me the cancer has shifted. And then I try to put it out of my mind, because what is the point of worrying about something until you have something to worry about.

But enough!  Today I am alive and well. I am enjoying having a Saturday morning lie in, its drizzling outside and I am off to have dinner tonight with my cousin and family. It has become a regular occurance and one that we both benefit from. His wife died of metastatic breast cancer in March and for many years they both were 'there' constantly for my sister and myself and our families. Now it is my turn to be 'there' for him, and I know he worries about me.

I spoke to my sister last night, she lives in Australia. I miss her dearly and often wish she was here with me. This blog is a way of her being able to keep her up to date on what is happening and how I am feeling. This journey is her journey too and I know it it tough on her and her family by being so far away. I know Australia isn't far away from us here in NZ, but it isn't just a case of being able to jump in the car and pop over for a cuppa, or to come to appointments with me. Her daughters, my nieces are an extension to my own daughters. They message me from time to time just to remind me how much they love their aunty and to say stay "strong". Those girls will never know just how much their messages are appreciated.

In the meantime, I have amazing support from those around me. Family, friends and workmates. Workmates who have become so much more, whom I now class as friends. They see me everyday at work, know my moods or if I am feeling achy and just not my usual sunny self, take the time to say "hey, how you doing" or have a joke to make me laugh.

One of those lovely ladies surprised me yesterday as I was getting ready to leave work...such a lovely gesture. Thank you my beautiful friend...

My lovely surprise. They are beautiful - thank you xx

Just a thought before I go make a cuppa - take a moment to send someone a message to say "hey, how are you". It is such a small gesture but I am sure it will be greatly appreciated. I know I do...

Saturday 17th September, 2016 - 11.20am

My first true love...

This is me with the beautiful daddy of my babies. He died in 2001 of a stroke at the age of 38. He was such a beautiful person who loved his daughters with a passion.

Our girls were 4 years old and 2 years old when he died.

How unfair has life been to them so far...firstly their daddy dies (coping with their grief as well as mine was heart wrenching to say the least) and now at the ages of almost 20 and 17, their mum has incurable / metastatic breast cancer.

I hope I live long into their adulthood and even perhaps with families of their own. They need me...more to the point, I need them. They are the reason I was put on this earth. As much as I have wanted to see their father again, I am not ready just yet.

My beautiful girls and I taken a couple of months ago. They took me out for dinner, just the three of us. I love these girls more than life itself xx

7/9/16  -  9.48pm

A mix

Just an update on what has been going on since publishing my last post. No appointments or infusions as yet. Next one isn't for another couple of weeks and then my next oncology appointment will be in October, every three months for now.

All is going well, except in the weekend I was in an absolutely foul mood. I don't even know what set it off as I had been fine at work and then when I walked in the door at home, hubby was cooking dinner - mince on toast. He is not the flashest of cooks (neither am I) but I am a little over mince on toast, chop suey and sausages but I try to be grateful because it is one less thing I have to do. But I remember walking in the door and he said to me "mince on toast hon" and I made some non committal reply but in my head I was raging "WHERES MY VEGES!!!!!! WHERES MY VEGES!!!!" I was like a raving lunatic (in my head, trying not to explode and taking it out on everyone) and that set the tone for most of the weekend. I guess you can tell by that, that I love my vegetables and if I don't have them for a few nights I miss them like crazy.  Anyhow Hubby buggered off out to darts and that pissed me off because he doesn't work and he has a social life, I work 40 hours and had nowhere to go! Not that I even wanted to go anywhere, I was too damn tired, but I think even that pissed me off. It homestly was awful. My poor older daughter (almost 20) had to listen to me while I was walking around the house yelling "I'M BORED, I'M HUNGRY, I WANT SOMETHING SWEET TO EAT" I laugh about it now but at the time, mental, absolutely mental...I finally had to just go to bed and make myself go to sleep. Saturday morning I woke up feeling a bit better but it didn't take long for my mood to deteriorate. Hubby was off to darts again, just me and older daughter at home. I sat on my backside all weekend and didn't do a damn thing. Luckily by Sunday I got over it, just in time for Fathers Day. I managed to keep a lid on my crappy mood cos I don't like taking it out on the others, its not their fault. The oncologist had warned me right from the word go, that the meds I am on are throwing me right into menopause and I will get hot flushes and terrible mood swings amongst other things. No hot flushes to date, and only the occasional mood swing. I honestly felt like I wanted to rip everyone's heads off. So relieved when it was over 😳😔

Such a contrast to earlier on in the week, where I went to a local bowling club with three mates to take part in a quiz night. It was so much fun, it was a cheap night(I was the sober driver) and we had lots of laughs. I was exhausted by the time I got home though, just after 11pm, which is super late for me. My alarm goes off at 5.30 in the mornings and I get up at 5.45 to get ready for work, so think there were lots of yawns the next day at work.

Someone from Sweet Louise was on the Breakfast Show the other morning. They are celebrating their tenth anniversary and want to highlight awareness of 'uncurable' breast cancer. It was really interesting to watch and it wasn't on for long but it brought tears to my eyes. Just when you think you have your head around it all, a mention of breast cancer, or hearing of someone new being diagnosed with it, or seeing it in a TV programme hits you straight in the heart. I think for me hearing the Sweet Louise lady talk about 'incurable' breast cancer hit me. 'Incurable'...sounds a lot better than 'terminal' at least. But then I toddled off to work, where my attention was turned to other things. Work is great for that, it gives me a sense of normality and in a lot of respects my life is quite normal. Sometimes I feel a bit of a fraud tho. Don't the real deal breast cancer patients have chemo and / or radiotherapy? I've had neither. What does that make me? Lucky perhaps...lucky that I have other options for now and they seem to be working. You have to look at the positives in life and to date I have lots of them. Be grateful for what you have.

I have days where I am so damn tired. Yesterday I struggled at work from about 2.00pm, it always seems to be around that time. But I was determined to stay until my finish time of 4.30pm. I had to go outside and get some frsh air, hoping that would wake me up a little. But I don't understand why I continue to be so tired. I thought maybe it was the zometa taking a while to get out of my body but I read the side effects and they reckon you shouldn't be experiencing ongoing side effects. And then I read about cancer tiredness, but that usually pertains to those who have had chemo and / or radiotherapy. Like I said earlier, I have had neither. Is it still the effects from having had those five surgeries, from 19 Nov 15 to end of Feb 16. 5 surgeries in 3.5 months, guess it is a little excessive. Last night I was in bed and asleep by 9pm and I coped quite well at work today. When I first started back at work in April, I used to always be asleep by 9pm but as time has gone by, I am staying up til about 10.30pm. Looks like that needs to change...

Anyhow, I am quite parched, it must be time for a cuppa and a bickie, so I will leave it there for now.

If anyone can shed any light on why they think I may be suffering from tiredness, I would be grateful. It is very frustrating, and I have to constantly remind myself that maybe my body just needs some downtime and thats all there is to it.

Thank you for reading...take care xx

7/9/16  -  7.45pm