A dark moment

As I lie here in the dark alone except for Ember, (our black cat) who is lying right up against me, fireworks going off all around, I feel a wave of sadness and I am scared. Thoughts have gone back to the neck gland and the worry of what it could mean. I am wondering should I start clearing out the crap in my drawers? Should I put on hold the plans I have to go see my sister in Aussie? What if I am going to need chemo? Does that mean I will have to chuck my job? How will we cope financially since I am the income earner and pay all the bills? I feel sick to my stomach, and I feel so so alone. I don't want to burden anyone and its hard to explain to others the gravity of how I feel. This is what having a terminal illness does to you. Maybe terminal is too extreme...lets say incurable. I want to cry but I don't want to because I hate crying. I will just lie here with a stiff upper lip and stew on things until I stew myself to sleep.

I feel a sense of loneliness with the girls having grown up. They are getting older and have lives of their own and thats how it should be but I miss doing things with them. We don't even have dinner together anymore. Even the basics have gone by the wayside. They don't really need me anymore so I guess my job is done. I don't mean that in an awful way, its the circle of life isn't it. One day I won't be here and they will feel it. But in the meantime, I refuse to be one of those mothers who hangs onto her kids like a limpet and has to be going off out with them everywhere.

I hate that this has happened. I try so hard (and most of the time its easy) to be positive and to continue living my life but there are times when I want to rip my hair out and scream til I am blue in the face. This is so unfair...isn't it enough that I lost David all those years ago and that I lost my two babies before we were finally successful in having our two beautiful girls. Isn't it enough that I have had to take over the lone struggle of being responsible for running the household (financially) because someone decided to chuck their job and unsuccessful in finding another one...isn't it enough that I have to put on a brave face for everyone else because people can't cope with the reality...isn't it just enough?

Thank goodness I am a strong person, or am I? You just have to handle shit, what other choice do you have...

Do I feel better after getting this all out? No I don't.

I feel sick to my stomach and I feel mad - mad and scared

Saturday 5th November, 2016 - 11.34pm