A combination of things have set me off:
- I joined a closed group on fb for those with metastatic bc and it can be a little overwhelming to see some of the posts. They are a mixture of good and 'not so good', but it is definitely a great tool and support network for any queries I may have, or may want to get something off my chest without posting it on here where loved ones can see and read it
- I attended a webinar on Tuesday night for those living with advanced bc (it all means the same - metastatic / advanced / secondary / incurable / terminal)
- I have done a video for work to put on their fb page and other social media, and I was sent a copy of it to watch and listen to yesterday afternoon. I cried my heart out after I watched it. I hear myself saying those words, but to actually see myself say them, and to see myself get upset - its a little confronting. I certainly don't regret doing it - its far too important to not share it. I am kind of dreading it being put up - to opening myself up so widely in such a visual way to firstly, people I work with and secondly, to complete strangers. Words on paper is one thing, but to be able to see me visually is something different.
- And then to top it off, a lovely gentleman whom we had dealings with through work passed away very suddenly yesterday morning. My dealings with him were quite minimal but it was such a shock to hear, and it has brought home my own mortality
I feel so resentful that this has happened - and I want to bury my head in the sand and forget forever it is happening. IT IS SO DAMN UNFAIR......................
On the plus side, no side effects from yesterday's infusion, apart from feeling slightly stiffer than normal in my joints but that is easily dealt with. Thank goodness for no more awful side effects.
I need to try and remember there are always positives and at times we all need to be reminded of them. But unfortunately today, its not quite helping with the feeling of self-pity and I just keep thinking I AM GOING TO DIE OF THIS SHIT DISEASE AND I DON'T KNOW WHEN...and how much pain will I be in and what indignities will I have to endure...
I just want to break down and sob my heart right about now...
Does this get better as times goes on and I get 'used' to it? I am going to drive you all insane as well as myself.
Sorry guys...
Thursday 20th October 2016 - 1.26pm
You won't drive us insane, we read this to understand you, and what you're going through - the good and the bad. I hate to see you beat yourself up for "being negative" You have every right to feel aggrieved. As you know, eventually (may it be many years in the future) this horrible disease will kill you. There is NOTHING wrong will being angry, upset etc at this. It is completely natural. If you weren't feeling these things you'd probably be in denial which would be a much worse place to be. This way you're acknowledging it, which will help to prepare you, and those you love for inevitable. I know you won't stop beating yourself up about it, but I wish you'd try. :) This applies to a few posts I've read where you berate yourself for feeling sorry for yourself when others have it worse. (and in this case I do exactly the same, but hey whats a bit of hypocrisy between family) Just because others may have it worse doesn't take away any of what you're experiencing and feeling. you don't have to live their life, but you do have to live yours, and from what i can see, yours is pretty tough. I can relate to the pain and exhaustion you have, but I won't die from my diseases. You are such a strong, proud person. Thank you for sharing this journey with us. I'd rather hear the real than a hearts and flowers version of whats going on.
ReplyDeleteKirsty, if you were in front of me now, I would give you the biggest hug (without squeezing too hard for fear of hurting you!). You really just warm my heart with your comments and support. I will try to stop beating myself up when I feel crap - no promises however...😀
DeleteThank you again and take care xx