Christmas grinch

I don't know where to start. I am in such a foul mood, and feel like I have been all week. I don't know if it is a menopausal mood or because I am so mad at myself for standing on that damn chair and breaking bones, ending up in this goddam moon boot. My tail bone hurts pretty much constantly - the toes don't til I bang them I s'pose god forbid. I have been taking paracetamol, ibuprofin and codeine regularly but am now trying to make do without the codeine as I only have two left. I should probably ring my GP to see if she will give me another script but its just too hard. Maybe I will do it tomorrow. Either my temper or tears are simmering very close to the top on a regular basis. I either want to rip heads off or break down and sob myself stupid. I broke down three fricking times at work yesterday. It was awful...I HATE crying but it feels all too much at the moment. I am worried about how my bones will heal, will it affect the cancer in some way, have I unwittingly put a closer death sentence on myself??? Will it screw up my trip to Australia in March next year? And what about my tailbone? That really worries me. I have cancer in my lower back bone, what if I have really screwed something up there? I am scared...I am angry at myself...what a fucking dum arse thing to do, what was I even thinking? Well obviously I wasn't. I was aware that I had to be careful not to fall, it never even occurred to me the damn chair might break. And the moon boot...I am getting used to wearing it but it does stop me from doing stuff. I can't go around the shops. I tried the other night, I went shopping walking on my boot but I was bloody exhausted afterwards and I could only go to the warehouse so was limited on what I could get. Should I be using the crutches??? Probably but whats the bloody point of giving me crutches without telling me how to use the stupid things. Its slow and its tedious. No lectures please...cos I just don't need them.
I cried yesterday cos one of the ladies at work asked how I was, I broke down and cried...I composed myself and then someone else asked what was wrong...I cried again. And then the kiwisaver man rang me and I broke down on the phone talking to him.
I had got a quote done to paint the exterior of the house, it needs it and I want it done while I am alive and can enjoy it. I do not want to add to the mortgage so I tried kiwisaver, knowing I probably wouldn't get it but I have seem other mbc ladies say they got access to theirs so I figured there could be a possibility. They wanted to know the ins and outs of a ducks arse, so I gave it to them, got it signed off by a JP (my boss luckily) and sent it off. Got a phone call bout a week later to say the form I had used was an old one (it was a form I had from when I was still off work earlier this year) and had to re-do the application - fuck! So he sent me a new one and I had to have it back to him by Fri 22rd Dec. We talked and basically he said I probably would not be successful with my application as I earn too much and I am not close enough to death just yet (my words, not his) but if I could get a doctor to put something in writing, it could help my case. He said the application would go on to another person/department but he would try his best to push my application through as much as he could. I basically decided there and then it was too damn hard, I could not be bothered digging out all that info again, so I broke down while talking to him yesterday and said to scrap it...that I knew I wasn't half dead yet since that was a qualification.  I felt sorry for him, he was really polite and just doing his job but I felt sorry for me more. I did apologise but I just felt "b-r-o-k-e-n".  I have put myself together again with a few plasters but it feels like the sticky isn't very sticky so will be easy to fall off.
Christmas is a few days away and I don't have a festive bone in my body, broken or not! And that is not like me. I normally love Christmas but this year I could quite easily ignore it, tell everyone else to go to nana's while I stay home and wallow, I just cannot summon up any enthusiasm. Hubby hasn't been well either and has had an awful reaction to meds he was taking so we are in the midst of getting that sorted. I feel I have to go to his appointments with him as he gets things so fuddled, but I am worried about him too. Where does this shit end..when I'm dead?
I am now tossing up whether to go to the bank and top up the mortgage. I don't really want to but nor do I want to leave the girls a house that is in desperate need of repair. And there is already so much for hubby to do, he is only one man, doing shit on his own. Wouldn't it be nice if he had a son he could count on...yeah right!
There are a couple of silver linings though...first one is I finish work on Fri 23rd Dec and don't go back to work til Mon 9th Jan. I cannot wait until Fri afternoon, I have shit around here I want to do and to be able to sleep in. The other silver lining is I go to see the orthopaedic clinic on Thurs 29th Dec. I want to know what exactly is going on with my toes, whether I am screwing them up more by walking on the boot without the crutches and getting some proper instruction on what to do and not do. That I am excited about, not Christmas...I am sure once the day is here, I will be fine - its just the lead up to it.
I feel like a miserable old hag, but I can't help it and I don't really have anything left in the tank to do anything about it right now. I'll just wait for those silver linings and see what happens

Wednesday 21st December 2016 - 7.34pm