Grotty week

Bloody hell, what a bloody awful week this has been. I have felt very out of sorts and I don't really know why. It is probably a combination of having a super busy weekend last week, having a sick husband, late nights with a touch of hormonal crap mixed in. I normally have quite a sunny disposition, try to see the positives but I did not feel like being that way this week. I couldn't be bothered making conversation with anyone, I bit peoples heads off, I didn't give two shits about anyone...it was awful. I have been tired and really feeling the pressure of working full time, and came home Monday afternoon at 2.30pm, exhausted. So, so lucky to have a supportive work environment.

It kind of came to a head this morning. I went to my nutritionist appointment this morning and broke down and sobbed my eyes out. I am just fed up with everything. I hate the weight I have put on, I hate that I have to watch what I eat particularly sugar because it is so bad for cancer. I hate that I should be exercising because I hate exercise (once I start I am fine, its the getting going that is tough).  I hate lots of things at the moment. Its just a mood and I will get over it at some stage but its bloody exhausting in the meantime. My eyes feel so heavy and tired yet I am unable to go to sleep just yet. I hope that by writing this, it will help ease my crappy mood.

The other day at work, the song 'Maniac' came on (from Flashdance) and I just wanted to break down there and then, I had such vivid memories of David, it was almost like he was there in reach, for me to touch and I felt the loss of him quite dramatically, almost like when he first died. David loved the movie 'Flashdance', it was one of his favourites. Personally I think he loved Jennifer Beals more than the movie! And so to hear this song out of the blue and while I was in this state of mind, hit hard.  I find that David is on my mind often, not that he has ever left it, but he is always lurking there in the background. I wonder if he was aware that he was dying, I wonder if we will meet again when I die or will I just be nothing nowhere except a passing thought in others minds. And once I find out, I won't be able to come back and tell anyone, cos so far no one has been able to.

The thought of dying is confronting. The fear of it is even worse. I belong to a support network of women with mbc and it is wonderful. It is also very scary because I wonder if this is what I have to come a bit further down the track. I am so well, why do I go on about dying? Because I have a disease that will one day kill me and I don't know when. It is terrifying, but I don't want to live the rest of my life feeling like this. I want to make the most of it, but how can I when I feel so tired all the time. Why can't I forget that I have this? How lucky am I compared to those in wartorn countries where they don't even have homes, when they don't know when their next meal will be, where they don't even know if their families have survived or not...why don't I feel lucky?

I have a hospital appointment on Tuesday morning with the breast surgeon, not really sure why. I haven't seen her since around about the time I lost my implant. And then I have my next infusion / hormone injection on Wednesday.

My eyes are feeling really tired, I feel like I will be able to sleep now...

Saturday - 10th Dec 2016 - 3.06pm