All is going well, except in the weekend I was in an absolutely foul mood. I don't even know what set it off as I had been fine at work and then when I walked in the door at home, hubby was cooking dinner - mince on toast. He is not the flashest of cooks (neither am I) but I am a little over mince on toast, chop suey and sausages but I try to be grateful because it is one less thing I have to do. But I remember walking in the door and he said to me "mince on toast hon" and I made some non committal reply but in my head I was raging "WHERES MY VEGES!!!!!! WHERES MY VEGES!!!!" I was like a raving lunatic (in my head, trying not to explode and taking it out on everyone) and that set the tone for most of the weekend. I guess you can tell by that, that I love my vegetables and if I don't have them for a few nights I miss them like crazy. Anyhow Hubby buggered off out to darts and that pissed me off because he doesn't work and he has a social life, I work 40 hours and had nowhere to go! Not that I even wanted to go anywhere, I was too damn tired, but I think even that pissed me off. It homestly was awful. My poor older daughter (almost 20) had to listen to me while I was walking around the house yelling "I'M BORED, I'M HUNGRY, I WANT SOMETHING SWEET TO EAT" I laugh about it now but at the time, mental, absolutely mental...I finally had to just go to bed and make myself go to sleep. Saturday morning I woke up feeling a bit better but it didn't take long for my mood to deteriorate. Hubby was off to darts again, just me and older daughter at home. I sat on my backside all weekend and didn't do a damn thing. Luckily by Sunday I got over it, just in time for Fathers Day. I managed to keep a lid on my crappy mood cos I don't like taking it out on the others, its not their fault. The oncologist had warned me right from the word go, that the meds I am on are throwing me right into menopause and I will get hot flushes and terrible mood swings amongst other things. No hot flushes to date, and only the occasional mood swing. I honestly felt like I wanted to rip everyone's heads off. So relieved when it was over 😳😔
Such a contrast to earlier on in the week, where I went to a local bowling club with three mates to take part in a quiz night. It was so much fun, it was a cheap night(I was the sober driver) and we had lots of laughs. I was exhausted by the time I got home though, just after 11pm, which is super late for me. My alarm goes off at 5.30 in the mornings and I get up at 5.45 to get ready for work, so think there were lots of yawns the next day at work.
Someone from Sweet Louise was on the Breakfast Show the other morning. They are celebrating their tenth anniversary and want to highlight awareness of 'uncurable' breast cancer. It was really interesting to watch and it wasn't on for long but it brought tears to my eyes. Just when you think you have your head around it all, a mention of breast cancer, or hearing of someone new being diagnosed with it, or seeing it in a TV programme hits you straight in the heart. I think for me hearing the Sweet Louise lady talk about 'incurable' breast cancer hit me. 'Incurable'...sounds a lot better than 'terminal' at least. But then I toddled off to work, where my attention was turned to other things. Work is great for that, it gives me a sense of normality and in a lot of respects my life is quite normal. Sometimes I feel a bit of a fraud tho. Don't the real deal breast cancer patients have chemo and / or radiotherapy? I've had neither. What does that make me? Lucky perhaps...lucky that I have other options for now and they seem to be working. You have to look at the positives in life and to date I have lots of them. Be grateful for what you have.
I have days where I am so damn tired. Yesterday I struggled at work from about 2.00pm, it always seems to be around that time. But I was determined to stay until my finish time of 4.30pm. I had to go outside and get some frsh air, hoping that would wake me up a little. But I don't understand why I continue to be so tired. I thought maybe it was the zometa taking a while to get out of my body but I read the side effects and they reckon you shouldn't be experiencing ongoing side effects. And then I read about cancer tiredness, but that usually pertains to those who have had chemo and / or radiotherapy. Like I said earlier, I have had neither. Is it still the effects from having had those five surgeries, from 19 Nov 15 to end of Feb 16. 5 surgeries in 3.5 months, guess it is a little excessive. Last night I was in bed and asleep by 9pm and I coped quite well at work today. When I first started back at work in April, I used to always be asleep by 9pm but as time has gone by, I am staying up til about 10.30pm. Looks like that needs to change...
Anyhow, I am quite parched, it must be time for a cuppa and a bickie, so I will leave it there for now.
If anyone can shed any light on why they think I may be suffering from tiredness, I would be grateful. It is very frustrating, and I have to constantly remind myself that maybe my body just needs some downtime and thats all there is to it.
Thank you for reading...take care xx
7/9/16 - 7.45pm
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