A shared journey

A diagnosis of cancer is not a journey taken alone. It is shared by those that surround us and love us. The journey may take different paths but the end  destination is the same...fear and strength. Our loved ones are the ones who will see the change in us, who will have to cope with our moods, our rants about how nobody cares and sometimes I think that is the worst place place of all to be. Our loved ones will be the ones who have to pick up and carry on after we have gone. To deal with the devastation of the loss. I worry about my daughters, my husband and my sister. I don't mean to sound pessimistic and I know I have lots of positives and I have been told I could live for years, but the truth of the matter is that one day I will die from this damn breast cancer (unless something else gets me first). The meds I will be on will one day stop working and the cancer will spread to my organs and I will die. I am simply being honest.

People say to me "your going to be around for years" but how do you know that? Saying stuff like that to me does not help me, it frustrates me. I am a no nonsense kind of person, Perhaps by being so factual is how I deal with this. I try not to overthink things, but when it is time to have another CT and bone scan done, I am scared the oncologist will tell me the cancer has shifted. And then I try to put it out of my mind, because what is the point of worrying about something until you have something to worry about.

But enough!  Today I am alive and well. I am enjoying having a Saturday morning lie in, its drizzling outside and I am off to have dinner tonight with my cousin and family. It has become a regular occurance and one that we both benefit from. His wife died of metastatic breast cancer in March and for many years they both were 'there' constantly for my sister and myself and our families. Now it is my turn to be 'there' for him, and I know he worries about me.

I spoke to my sister last night, she lives in Australia. I miss her dearly and often wish she was here with me. This blog is a way of her being able to keep her up to date on what is happening and how I am feeling. This journey is her journey too and I know it it tough on her and her family by being so far away. I know Australia isn't far away from us here in NZ, but it isn't just a case of being able to jump in the car and pop over for a cuppa, or to come to appointments with me. Her daughters, my nieces are an extension to my own daughters. They message me from time to time just to remind me how much they love their aunty and to say stay "strong". Those girls will never know just how much their messages are appreciated.

In the meantime, I have amazing support from those around me. Family, friends and workmates. Workmates who have become so much more, whom I now class as friends. They see me everyday at work, know my moods or if I am feeling achy and just not my usual sunny self, take the time to say "hey, how you doing" or have a joke to make me laugh.

One of those lovely ladies surprised me yesterday as I was getting ready to leave work...such a lovely gesture. Thank you my beautiful friend...

My lovely surprise. They are beautiful - thank you xx

Just a thought before I go make a cuppa - take a moment to send someone a message to say "hey, how are you". It is such a small gesture but I am sure it will be greatly appreciated. I know I do...

Saturday 17th September, 2016 - 11.20am