Almost in panic mode

in this mornings post, I received a blood test form from Oncology.. I immediately went into a blind panic, my heart plummeted into my stomach and I could feel the blood rushing in my head. My immediate thought was 'fuck, they've found something in my CT scan and need a blood test to check something out!!!!' And on the bottom of the form it has an area for 'clinical details / reason for testing' and they have written 'on chemo'. Helloooooo, I'm not on chemo and nor have I been - does that mean they are looking at me starting it???? And then thank goodness, reasoning crept in and I remembered the post in NZ is only three times a week, and I only had my scan late Thursday afternoon. The datestamp on the envelope is the 28th June, so it definitely has nothing to do with my scan - phew...My heart beat starts to slow down and creeps back to where it should be sitting, and I don't feel quite so lightheaded from all the bloodrush to my face.

But this is EXACTLY what I mean when I talk about how the fear is constant. I honestly saw my life flash before my eyes and thought, god this is it, my time on this earth is even more limited now. And I think of Sandra, before she passed away of breast cancer, she was having awful issues with her tummy. I try not to compare what is happening to me, to what she went through, but when you have been there and seen what she went through, its hard not to think 'will that be me?'

I still wonder why that form has been sent...does it have something to do with my blood tests I had before my infusion on Wed because that was the 28th. I have to have bloodtests a couple of days before each infusion and they check the results before they go ahead and hook me up. And why am I panicking because a form was mailed out to me? Its because I always use the same form, 'a repeat request' and use it for 12 months and then a new one will be given in August...so to have one sent out, its something new.

Now that I have calmed down, no longer irrational I will bide my time and wait it out. I will go for my bloodtest on Monday (the lab is just up the road from work) and wait it out until my appointment.

"panic over"

Saturday 1st July 2017 - 2.21pm