Feeling melancoly

I don't know what is wrong with me this weekend...in a shitty mood last night and now tonight I have this real feeling of melancoly settling over me. I have tried going to sleep but every time I close my eyes, I keep getting flash backs of when I was first told my biopsies had come back positive for breast cancer, and I remember bursting into tears. God, if only I had realised then, that it was just the beginning of a much bigger picture. It makes me want to sob my heart out, I can feel the tears just sitting there waiting...it seems like a lifetime ago. So much has happened, the bilateral mastectomies,  all the hospital visits, the infections, losing my implant, being diagnosed metastatic and the rest is history.

I hate this...I hate what has happened to my life and how this ugly disease has affected my life. I feel like a shadow of my old self sometimes, other times I feel like I am exactly the same person with a few modificatioms. Who am I? What have I become? I dispise what I have become...I feel like I may as well just die now. What sort of life do I have? Everything hurts, my hands, my feet, my back, my stomach, my hip. I am tired and useless. I have no energy, I don't want to go anywhere. I am only useful to go to work and pay the bills. I exist...I don't have a life where I actually do anything.

I hear my younger daughter talking and laughing with her young man and I hear my older daughter talking with her mate while I feel lonely. I sit here alone with my thoughts.  Hubby sits down in the lounge watching TV. I don't even have what it takes to sit in the lounge and watch bloody TV for christ sake! I am in bed by 7.30pm because I have the urge to lie down, I just don't want to sit up any longer.

I keep thinking that everyone is supposedly sad, scared, worried about me eventually dying from cancer. But in reality, they will be sad for a while but their lives will go on. They will continue to go out with mates and eat and drink and have moments of fun in between moments of feeling sad until those moments become shorter and longer times between them. But, where will I be? I will be dead...a pile of ashes sitting in a plastic container sitting on a dusty shelf. My life will be gone, over and done with, no more. So when you think about how sad you feel at the thought of me dying, take  a moment and think how scared I am at the thought of my life being snuffed out, at the thought of not being here anymore and not being a part of my daughters lives or my husbands.

Thats why I feel melancoly tonight...the reality hitting home a little harder while I sit in my room alone.

You must wonder why I constantly talk of dying especially when I have been told I could live for years.  It is a fear deep within you of dying with no promises or guarantees that I will live for 'years'. What do they mean by years? I've already been metastatic for 17 months...does that that mean I am a year down? With goodness knows how many left? When I go to see the oncologist tomorrow, will he tell me the dreaded cancer has spread and thats why my stomach is playing up so damn much? I don't really think so but this is the uncertainty I live with now...its called 'my life'

I have had a sob to myself while I type this, actually I had to strop briefly while I had a good cry trying to do so quietly so as not to disturb anyone but you know sometimes they can get a bit out of control and end up as big racking sobs...how stupid I feel

I feel so alone...How I wish someone would slip in beside me, put their arms around me while I sob my heart out.

I'm so tired of being the strong one all the time...even we need a shoulder now and again. Unfortunately one of my downfalls is, I'm not good at asking.

In the meantime, the tears keep coming...

Sunday 9th July 2017 - 11.14pm