Update on todays oncology appt - 10/7/17

I went for my oncology appointment this morning. CT scan has shown up clear - cancer continues to respond to treatment - YAY!  The downside is that he has no idea what is causing the issues with my tummy and said this could be very hard to determine. He poked, pushed and prodded my tummy, and my back - asked lots and lots of questioms. My head was almost spinning. Where does it hurt? What kind of pain is it? Does it cramp? Does it come around from the back? How long do they last? What do I take for the pains? I just wanted to bloody well scream "I don't fucking know" but know he was just trying to get as much information as possible in order to try and get some answers. I even deliberately didn't take any pain killers in the hope my stomach would be sore when I was in my appointment. Of course not...that would be too easy...anyhow I now wait to have a colonoscopy done at some stage. That will rule something else out hopefully, and maybe the pains will just subside in their own time.

Not feeling so flash over the last few days as you will realise. When I got to work, I just wanted to cry but as time went by I felt a bit better. Still felt a bit blue but 'ok'. Just got on with my work. My workmates don't realise it, but they are what help me to get through a day. The fact that we talk and laugh, and the conversation doesn't revolve around cancer. Apart from my family here at home, these are the ones I spend most of my time with, and the interaction I have with them is so important - they help to keep me sane.

My mood is very heavy at the moment and I don't really feel very sociable right now. I am back up in my little safe haven, or prison depending on how I feel at the time. I HATE this cancer shit right now and in all honesty, I just want to bury my head in the sand. I want to be me again, not that I think I even liked me that much, but I know I definitely don't like this person much right now. I made a comment at my appointment this morning about being over this cancer crap, and the oncologist asked if I wanted some counselling sessions...its too hard right now, I don't have the energy and I don't want to be out of work any more than I have to be. This mood will pass and I will become more positive and happier within myself. But for now, I just hate how unfair this is, and how much it scares me.

I'm so sorry for the negativity lately...but this is my way of releasing those feelings.

Monday 10th July 2017 - 6.36pm

PS: Wednesday is our nineth wedding anniversary. Think I might see if hubby would like to go out for dinner that night. I loved our wedding and the build up of the last few days prepping for it...it was so much fun with lots of family around to help. Beautiful memories xx

Look how tiny my beautiful babies were...xx