What a yo-yo

What a bloody yo-yo of emotions these last few days. Yesterday I think I had every emotion available to man, ending on a high and enjoying being out for dinner with my lovely family and embracing turning 52, whereas in the morning I was angry and sad that I even had to think about embracing the rest of my birthdays - honestly!

And then today, while I have been in a good mood, I have felt like reaching inside my bra and throwing my prosthesis away and then reaching inside my chest and yanking out this bloody implant. Some days are more bearable with these 'things' and then there are days like today, when I absolutely HATE THEM! HATE HATE HATE THEM!!! I feel so ungrateful saying that, as we are lucky enough here in NZ to have free healthcare and all the time and effort that went into the whole process. But today, they have felt very false, and very heavy. Hindsight is a wonderful thing - if I had my time over again, I would not have had reconstructive surgery done. But you make the decision you do with the information you have at the time, for the reasons you feel comfortable with. I've had people say to me "you shouldn't have had reconstructive surgery straight away, you should have waited until later". Well too fucking late now (sorry) - its done and I can't change it!!!!

And then to add insult to injury, I feel like I have put the little bit of weight I had lost, back on again. Ugh!!!! I am not liking myself very much at fhe moment. I know, I know, I am full of shite. I go on about how your health is more important, be grateful for what you have, and so on, and here I am whinging because I intensely dislike the way I look and feel right now. So what did I do...I put the kettle on to make a cup of tea, went straight to the fridge and stuffed my face on a piece of chocolate cake that was left in the fridge!!!! WTF...even stuffed the cake in my gob before the cuppa was even made!

And now as I lie in bed typing this out on my Ipad that is going to die sometime soon, I can hear a fly flying around the room and landing on a plastic bag - its little wings are going 'buzzzzzzzz' and that is driving me crazy...this has to be a menopausal mood surely?

Reading back on this, it sounds a bit like a bloody badly written comedy. Lucky I'm not a professional blogger trying to earn a living from it!

Oh well, it could be worse - at least tomorrow is Friday. No plans for the weekend, just a couple of chilled out days. While its been a short week workwise, it has felt like quite a long week - a number of things going on. Traffic has been really crap going to work the last few days - diabolical in fact. Almost tempting to leave home earlier tomorrow except I already get up at 5.45am and leave home at 7.00am. I usually try to get to work early, so I can try and make up time that I have been out of the office for appointments. Doesn't always work, especially this week!

I have just found that damn fly that was buzzing around and have overdosed it on flyspray. Its now dying a slow death thankfully, while I choke on the fumes of the spray. Ember is sitting on the end of the bed wondering what the hell is going on...she does not look the least bit impressed!

Oops, she's left the room...

Thursday 30th March 2017 - 9.26pm