Happy birthday to me...

I am 52 today...instead of feeling happy that I have reached this years birthday, I am a mix of angry and scared. I am angry rhat I even have to feel this way. To be grateful that I have reached 52 and now hope to reach 53! How shit is that...I shouldn't even be having to worry about that but instead I am 'grateful'. It just doesn't seem right. I am going out for dinner tonight with my family as I'vebeen saying that I should mark each birthday in some way and not just let them pass without some kind of acknowledgement, so the restaurant has been booked but in all honesty, right at this very moment I just don't feel like going. I don't want to go to work, I just want to go back to bed and bury my head under the blankets. I am very close to tears and the last time I felt like this, I cried on and off at work everytime someone said something to me. I don't want that today...

And scared...scared of the results from these scans this week. I want the results but I am also terrified of what could be. This is what living with metastatic breast cancer is like...the fear and the unknown. I have been reading my notebook over again which is taken to my oncology appointments. You forget what is in there because so much information is thrown at you and the two things that have stuck out for me was that I have a spot on my pancreas and a nodule on my lung. The lung they will keep a close eye on...what if it shows up that it has worsened, what if it confirms that it is cancer. The pancreas doesn't seem to have them worried too much but they will watch my lung closely...doesn't inspire a lot of confidence.

But hopefully these feelings will dissipate soon and I will become my usual cheer germ by the time I get to work. Right at this moment, my heart is feeling pretty heavy...


Wednesday 29th March 2017 - 6.46am