Food for thought

I've been posting quite a lot this week. Not really sure why and not really with much to say. Writing this blog is like an online diary and helps to eleviate any thoughts and feelings I may be experiencing at the time.

This evening I am sitting out in our back yard, under our 'fairy' lights on my own. Just my big girl and I home, she's watching TV and I am just enjoying being out here - I can hear the traffic as it goes up and down our road. While it's reasonably busy for this time of the evening, it's almost quite comforting.

I have lots of thoughts swirling in my mind. One of my husbands cousins has just sent me a random messenger message with a two minute video on how beautiful life is - it has lots of lovely inspiring sayings. It was such a random and unexpected message with a wee note. Such a simple gesture, yet it makes me feel lucky to know I have people in my life who care about me.

My two daughters and youngest daughters boyfriend surprised yesterday with a brand new iPad Pro...I was completely gobsmacked and am still blown away when I think about it. Such a generous gift and none of them are particularly flush for cash. My old iPad was second hand and I have thrashed it. It has been dying a slow death, videos take forever to load, sometimes don't at all or cut out while watching them. I was trying to reply to all my birthday messages the other night and had to give up before I threw it at the wall. I had been wondering how on earth I was going to manage  without it when it once the old one died and knew there was no way I could afford to buy myself a new one. While it is without a doubt a very generous gift, it is also the thought that has gone behind it. They knew how much I liked using the iPad and so have taken it upon themselves to replace it.  I don't know if I am making sense, but the thought is generous in itself. I had put a status up on Facebook to tell everyone, and one person in particular replied with a really lovely message. She said it was a reflection of the love and thoughtfulness I had instilled in my girls in their upbringing. I thought that was such a lovely thing to say. And I appreciate the fact that 'B' puts in with the girls. While he has been with my daughter for the last two years now that does not mean he has to do this too, yet he does. I am lucky to be surrounded by such thoughtfulness. 

I have been thinking about how blessed I am in my life. I've been reading about a 15 year old boy in Gisborne who died of cancer in March last year and reading some of his inspirational writings. At least I have had a chance to love and be loved, to experience the joy of having children and seeing them grow up into beautiful young ladies. It doesn't seem right does it, that a child's life gets taken away from them before they have had a chance to live it. It is so unfair...life is so unfair at times.

I've been feeling a bit unsettled since being home from Australia. I recently lost a friendship. This is a friendship that I had for over ten years. I don't even know what has happened, I won't go into detail but due to my pride and stubbornness and the way I now see things, I don't feel inclined to make contact to see what is wrong. I don't believe I have done anything wrong and these days I have more pressing things to think about. When you are given a diagnosis of a terminal illness, it completely changes your thinking. You don't feel the need to deal with the silly little idiosyncrasies in life, and you soon learn what is important and what isn't and life becomes very black and white. I now grieve for this lost friendship, I have been down this road before, when my David died. I lost two very good friends due to their not approving of my relationship with Davids brother, who I am now married to and with whom I have been with for over 14 years. It was tough but I got there in the end. I think this will be the same. Why do people choose such poignant times in my life to cut me from their lives...then again, does that say something about me as a friend, why I have lost these friendships? Or is it simply that people come and go from our lives, even for a short time. I don't really know the answer.

Having said all that, I continue to be in a very good place. Just waiting for Wednesday to get those results but I remain feeling in good health and satisfied in life. I have much to be thankful for and I am. There is room for improvement on the 'forgiveness' front however. One day maybe...I try so hard to be the best that I can be, to be a positive influence and carry a positive energy around me but at the end of the day, I am human and the cap slips at various times.

Saturday 1st April 2017 - 10.51pm