Reflecting

As I sit here reflecting, I wonder what the fuck is wrong with people...its no great secret that my tolerance is pretty low these days. While people are inside their own heads dwelling on ridiculous shit, I am busy wondering what is my upcoming bone scan going to show. "Has the cancer shifted"..."has it not"..."is my tolerance to my present medication going to last much longer"... and so on. Recently I have had to face things head on and discuss with my husband and daughters what is going to happen to the house and my personal effects when I die. "Who will get what?" "Are they 'happy' with that?" "Lets drag it out every year and discuss it to make sure that we all still feel the same and tweak anything we feel needs tweaking". And still people dwell on bullshit. And yet my husband and daughters have had to have yet another reminder that I may die sooner than later. We all know I could live for years but there is always that possibility that I won't, and this is a very real fear that we all live with.  I think I have come to terms with the fact that this breast cancer will most probably kill me - 'when', I don't know and I forget that my husband and beautiful daughters haven't come to terms with it. I refer to my hubby and the girls and I forget my sister. She is another one who is touched by this and is devastated by it (and of course others, but I am talking about those closest to me). Her grief also will be palpable, but the difference is that she will have her husband and children surrounding her showering her with love and support. I'm not saying it will be any less, just different. And still, people dwell on bullshit. And you know what - I just don't give a shit and cannot be bothered dealing with it. I have bigger and better things to worry about.

"Rant over"

My next infusion and hormone shot is due tomorrow. Its almost like my life goes in 28 day cycles. Its a bit like having bloody periods again (s'cuse the pun!). The last few hormone shots have left me with massive bruising. Its like having a piece of rice injected into you, and I have to use a numbing cream about an hour before the injection.

I have been having issues with my teeth over the last wee while. Anything hot or warm hitting my top left teeth (or one tooth but could not pinpoint which one) just about sends me through the roof with the pain. After a lot of hoo-ha, I was finally able to get an appt at the oral health clinic at the hospital. The nerve is very close to my filling hence causing the pain. He is reluctant to extract the tooth because of the zometa infusion I am having. The worst case scenerio is that the bone surrounding the gap where the tooth taken out will not close as it normally would. Shit would probably get into it which would then cause an infection, causing more teeth to be removed and all the bone also removed. Major problems...and all because of the zometa imfusion I am having to strengthen my
bones, to give me a better chance. The dentist is hoping the nerve will fix itself so I have to use Colgate Sensitive and then rub it on my gum overnight. I hope it works but in the meantime, I have got used to eating and drinking anything and everything basically cold or munching on my right side. All I need now is for the teeth on that side to crap out - I really hope not. Sometimes it feels never ending.

I am off to see my sister and family next week, and am getting so excited! I know the time will just race away but something is better than nothing. I cannot believe that this time next week I will be frantically running around packing final bits into my case and just be like a cat on a hot tin roof...




When I get back, and actually it was supposed to be my first day back at work, I have to go for a bone scan. Its done in two parts. At 10.00am I will have a dye injected and then I have to hang around the hospital for three hours drinking as much as possible and then go back at 1.00pm for the actual bone scan. This will show what the cancer is doing within my bones. I am just waiting for a CT scan appt for the same week and this will show whether the cancer has spread into any of my other organs.

Results will be in when I go to see the oncologist on 5th April. Its always a bit of a daunting time, leading up to one of these appointments. Wondering "has it", "hasn't it"...but I still maintain it is pointless panicking until I am given something to panic about. Of course I get scared when I think about it and feel like a big rock is sitting in the pit of my gut but you just have to push through it and get on.

But in the meantime, I continue to feel pretty damn good...


Tuesday 7th March 2017 - 8.52pm