Quiet days

Quiet days at the moment - not too much happening. Physio appointment on Tuesday morning. I was given three subsidised physio sessions through Pinc & Steel. They help with rehabilitation for cancer patients, and so this will be my last one. I may keep going for myself as I have limited movement in both of my shoulders especially the one where I had the 33 lymph nodes taken out. Sometimes I go to throw a small blanket around my shoulders and I feel a ping. Or I may stretch up to a high cupboard and have to pull back again as it hurts and just recently I have a pain in my groin region, on the side where the cancer is in my thigh. I don't know why this happens, but it is definitely since the cancer diagnosis. The groin especially is a nuisance, as I find it tough getting in and out of the car. My back has been aching a wee bit over the last few days now that I think about it. I was putting some bits and pieces away at work on Thursday and it started after that. Last night at my cousins place, I was washing the dishes and same thing. But then again, the cancer is in four of my vertrebrae and in my lower back bone. Such a drag, nothing too major, not even really anything to whinge about when you think about what some people have to put up with.

                                    Ember lying in bed with me on a chilly Sunday morning

I have been feeling so much better over the last few weeks. Once I got over the effects of my first Zometa infusion (bone strengthening med) I feel like I am slowly getting back to myself. I am managing to stay at work all day, although at times I get tired, but manage to stick it out. I guess if I was completely exhausted, I know to go home. By the time I get home from work, I am pretty tired. But its the weekends where I have found the difference. Since starting back at work after a five month absence, a double mastectomy and five surgeries in a three month period, I finally feel like I am able to get out and about. I have two people who I find is really important to be with right now. They are people who I owe so much to, and so I find it easy to get up and spend time with them.

My cousins wife died in March. She had metastatic breast cancer and had battled breast cancer for over 20 years. These lovely people have done so much for my sister and I, and our families since our dad died in 1995 and so now it is my turn to be there for my cousin. His wife was told by her oncologist that they were unable to do anything further for her and so over a period of three weeks, she slipped away from us. I remember her saying to me "gosh Tania, I hope this doesn't happen to you". She was so fed up and was completely limited on what she could do, and had to rely on her daughter and my cousin to do almost everything for her. It was hard watching her leave us bit by bit. Not only because she had been in my life for as long as I can remember, but I would think to myself "is this how I am going to die?" It can be quite confronting...and then you think about the loved ones you will leave behind. I had to try and shake those thoughts out of my head. I still have so much life to live, I can't spend it thinking about my dying moments. Those will come soon enough whether it be in a years time or 20 years time. So my cousin is the first person I need to be with. I try to go and see him every weekend.

The second person is my mate. She comes with me to my oncology appointments and writes notes and then explains them to me in plain english (she has a nursing background so understands the medical lingo). My lovely mate has recently been diagnosed with cancer, stage 1a but they think it has escaped. An MRI has been done, so we are currently waiting on an update. She is also recovering feom major surgery (which is how they found the cancer) and so I try to see her each weekend and give her an escape from home for a couple of hours going out for brunch or afternoon tea. I need it just as much...

I have been so lucky in my journey so far. I have had wonderful support from lots of people, and so it feels nice to be able to give something back. With my mate, we talk about cancer and how scary it is and are both quite philosophical. I guess it is easy to be that when you don't actually have the diagnosis of death right upon your door. But I am scared for us both. I am worried and scared about what they will find in her MRI. But yet I want to be there with her every step of the way. Every time I ache, I am scared my cancer has suddenly got worse and so has my diagnosis. Sometimes when I think about the both of us, I start to feel like I want to puke my guts out or that I have a huge rock in the pit of my stomach weighing me down.

All I know is that there is always someone a lot worse off than yourself .