What a yo-yo

Honestly? This blasted journey is so up and down. I don’t know whether I am Arthur or Martha these days. I woke up at 4.00 am feeling geat! I felt like I’d had an exceptionally good sleep, and felt it was un-necessary to try going back to sleep for an hour. Actually, it was probably the slight nausea I was feeling that was preventing it but thought I’d get on top of it early & take some medication. Great!!!! Worked wonderfully...til it was time to leave for work...nausea back again...so take another tablet - easy! But had to take a third tablet after being at work for a wee while. Then the lack of concentration kicks in, although I was able to complete a couple of jobs that needed completeing (thank goodness) but it just got too much. I couldn’t keep my eyes open...I felt heavy and lethargic, so I thought, bugger it, I’m going home. I’d done a half day (7am to 11am). When I got home, I crashed out to sleep for about 3.5 hours!!!!!! Wow! As we all know I struggle terribly with having to leave work, or being absent, even though I’ve been told not to worry - its not an issue - but I don’t like it. I struggle with the guilt of incompletion, its terrible. By then the damn nausea comes back when I wake up, so yep you guessed it, downed yet another nausea tablet. Why is this happening so much? Do I need to ask for a CT scan? Has the cancer travelled to my gut? I’m going to see the oncologist in April so will make it a point of discussion with whomever I see.

But for now, I’ll just keep plodding along and try not to worry too much (easy to say, hard to do) and try, try, try to stay longer at work, and should I have to leave, not feel guilty about it. I feel like the cancer is getting more of a grip on me. Not so much the cancer itself, but the effects of it. If I hated it before, imagine how I feel about it now. Still, tomorrow is another day. Today was supposed to be yoga day but my gut is still feeling rather precious so will leave it for this week...dammit.

But on the super good side, I had such a lovely weekend, quite busy for me and the pain was quite managable, even today actually. So its either one or the other - no way that you can have it all but isn’t that just life in general...

Take care xx

Monday 25th March 2019 - 5.16pm