Yesterday was a rather emotional day. I wascalled in for a ‘chat’ by a friend at work, who had been asked by management to talk to me. Our GM had over heard me in a conversation with someone else about the treatment I had received over my having to leave the office for appointments etc and he was very concerned. And he wanted to make sure I was ok, that I am not to have any pressure put on me, if I can’t handle work all day, then I leave when I want, if I need to be absent, thats good as gold (I feel terribly guilty when I am away). But he wanted this person to check in and make sure I was ok and to make sure I know these things. I felt so overwhelmed and humbled, I broke down and sobbed my eyes out. If you know our GM you would understand a bit more as he is so politically UN- Correct! And never serious, always making rude jokes etc, he cracks me up. But to hear this soft side of him just broke me. I wanted to go and give him a big hug but I knew if I did, I’d break down again...I was very fragile by this time. Then I come home and read about my metavivors sisters who are fighting the government for more access to drugs to keep us alive longer. There was a video attached of the women reading their submissions - god, I just broke down and cried all over again. Hearing their stories, seeing their tears, it was heart breaking. It took me quite a while to gather myself together.
But somewhere in between all that, I had forgotten to take my pain meds on time and it doesn’t take too long before the damn pain creeps in. So as I staggered out to the dining room to get them, I had this thought - it hit me like a bolt! I suddenly felt like suicide could be a viable option and then I wouldn’t have to deal with this pain and everything else breast cancer throws at me. I got such a shock, because this thought was so serious. It was a minute or so before I thought no, theres no way I could ever kill myself. I couldn’t ever do that to my husband and beautiful daughters. And these metavivor women are fighting to stay alive and the fact I even comtemplated killing myself - no way. But it gave me a hell of a fright. For that split moment, I felt like suicide was a way out for me to stop feeling so goddam tragic all the time. My good friend at work said to me, she never realised what was going on inside of me behind the scenes. When I am at work, I have a happy fascade I show everyone and then she reads my blog and finds out how I really feel. But work to me is such a life saver...even though I still ache and sometimes can hardly keep my eyes open, there are lots of people to interact with and I am so busy doing my work I have other things to think of besides myself. And I love my job! There may be days where the thought of going fills me with dread but honestly, once I get there, I am fine and super happy to be there!
So I hope I didn’t give you a fright. Suicide is a scary word. I watching a set of five NZ doco’s about suicide, called “Jessica’s Tree”. It was heart breaking and I cried as I watched it. It was powerful, it was desperately sad and it made me think more about those who fight with thoughts of living & dying. I was always one of those people who is never sure if someone is cowardly for taking the ‘easy’ way out or if they are brave, because I think it takes guts to carry that action out. But this story of Jessica and the young woman who was narrating the doco, have given me more of an understanding and I am so saddened that people, especially young people feel they want to die. A part of me feels like I would like to become part of the suicide prevention world. But I don’t know what I could do...but I have often felt like this about lots of things. I have always felt like I can jump on my white horse and save the world, one person at a time. But the only person I should be saving these days is myself...along with my loved ones
Friday 15th March 2019 - 9.23am
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