Fatigue

I don’t know...I was off work yet again today...woke up feeling exhausted when my alarm went off, felt like I had hardly slept, my right heel and ankle were throbbing like crazy and I just couldn’t drag myself out of bed. I made the decision to stay home because I figured with the tiredness I was feeling, I wouldn’t make it through the day at work. I’m beginning to recognise the different stages of tiredness and it feels like its getting worse. I thought I had made peace with myself when I have to stay home from work, but I haven’t. I felt terribly guilty this morning, because its just so damn often. I may as well cut down to three days instead of 4...I’m never made to feel guilty by management which is so appreciated. But after the pangs of guilt, I went straight back to sleep, for a good few hours, feeling groggy when I woke up. It was past meds time so indeed that damn sneaky pain had made its presence felt.  So, so bloody sick of it! I am sick of being in pain!!!!! I am sick of tweaking the damn pain meds so I can: 1) get rid of the pain and secondly, function somewhat remotely like a living, awake human. Not too much to ask for is it? Well it appears so.

On top of that, after lunch, I ended up with a bloody UTI, constantly running to the toilet, trying to expel all the urine I felt the urge to get rid of, when in fact all that expelled, was a dribble!!!! Arms covered in goosebumps- with this awful sensation in the pit of my stomach - everytime! - weird!!! I’m really susceptible to UTI’s now, all it takes is for me to hold on for a measley 5 minutes too long and boom! There it starts... pleased to say it appears to have finally settled down now.

My sunny disposition has slipped considerably today. I-AM-SO-BLOODY-FED-UP-BEING-IN-PAIN-ALL-THE-BLOODY-TIME!!!!! Sick, sick, sick of it!!! I could feel the words ‘I hate my life’on my lips and had to quickly stifle them and remind myself to be grateful for what I do have, but it isn’t always easy. Having cancer has made such a change to me and my life. Its not just cancer, anyone who has an illness will experience this in various ways. Apart from the pain I feel constantly, tiredness is the other major burden I experience. But the tiredness I experience is completely different to the tiredness you may feel. And for some reason people assume when you have cancer, your tiredness is from chemo or radio therapy. I’ve had neither. The tiredness is more ‘fatigue’ or ‘exhaustion’. As well as chemo & radio therapy, surgery can cause it (remember I had five surgeries), hormone therapy, of which I have regularly, not to mention what the wretched disease is doing to your body. People more often than not don’t understand the effect this feeling has on you and the limitations it places on you. We need to learn our own limitations and to be honest, its taken me a long time to do this and I still fight it at times. I hate having to be asleep by 9.00pm week nights, so I’ll be fresh as a daisy when my alarm goes off at 5.30am. So I simply don’t, often still awake at 10.30pm & beyond.

I’ve just started yoga class once a week and I’m hoping this may help my fatigue. I’m enjoying the breathing exercises and mindfulness (meditation). I’ve even meditated at home a couple of times. Something I never ever thought would be me but I can’t believe how relaxed it makes me feel.

I had my usual treatment yesterday. It all went well, although it took quite a while to find a vein. Hasn’t taken this long for a wee while from what I can recall from my shocking memory but from there, it was all gung-ho. Took my crocheting with me and was even able to do some. Usually the lure is in such a precarious spot and I can’t move my hand. Next appointment (April) will be to see the oncologist as well as treatment. My life is lived in four week increments - no wonder time goes so fast.

Tuesday 12th March 2019 - 9.40pm