Glorious birthday weekend part 2

Hi, back again. When a post on the blog gets too long, it starts to flick in and out of the post and I’m always terrified I’ll lose the whole lot.

Yep, so in all, its been a great weekend - out with my very good friend yesterday, out for breakfast with another very good friend today, who now lives in Napier. So was awesome to see him this morning...went to visit my brother after lunch today then on to visit my mother in law at the rest home - phew! I was quite exhausted by the time I got home, so hubby insisted I go and have a lie down, which I did and crashed out for a good couple of hours. But you’ll never guess what! It didn’t end there! When I woke up, I decided I felt like going water walking, so at 6.30pm-ish, I toddled off to the pools, only to see my new young, gentle friend from work there! We’d been talking about water walking on a Sunday, so think we might try and make it a regular thing. It was such a brilliant time to go. Plenty of car parks available,  not many in the pools - just how I like it!

So I’m feeling super productive, very much like my old self. As with last weekend, the pain hasn’t been too bad this weekend, but still take my meds regularly. What a difference! I’ve even meditated tonight before I started updating the blog. 

And even my eyes are starting to get heavy. I’m now going to start going to work a bit later, close to 8.30 / 9.00am and work until 3.00 to 3.30pm. Working 8 hours just isn’t feasible for me anymore and I have had to accept it. Plans are under way for someone to be able to fill in my shoes and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. So many of my duties, I was the only one who did them. Its realistic that one day I’ll be finishing work and someone has to be able to take over. I’m glad and I’m happy with whom it is. We have talked and I have put her mind at ease, I hope. Funny to think it has come to this, but there you go. You never know what’s around the corner and its much better to face it head on than bury your head in the sand and pretend it isn’t happening.

I look at myself this weekend, and the people who have taken the time to spend time with me, or to reach out and I am so grateful. To think I had pushed all these people away from me due to how I was feeling. You can’t get through life (successfully) without the love and friendship of others. I tried it, and I hated it - I hated my life. How lucky am I that those around me haven’t given up on me. I am feeling very much like my old self again and I am liking it...

I owe a huge debt of gratitude to all those around me...far too many to name but your in my heart for sure.

I’ll post up pics of the weekend...

Sunday 31st March 2019 - 10.26pm

Glorious birthday weekend - part 1 of 2

What a deliciously wonderful weekend! It was my 54th birthday on Friday and how perfect that my birthday was falling on a Friday, my day off work - great start! Actually the birthday celebrations started Thursday morning when I was taken out for breakfast by a good friend from work. We were joined by one of the other ladies from work, who has very quickly wormed her way into my affections, simply by being just herself - a gentle young lady with the kindest heart. So that kicked off the weekend birthday celebrations nicely🙂.

For my birthday I had already decided I wanted the girls and I to go and get our nails done and then go for lunch. I ended up having a pedicure done and anyone who knows me, knows I hate having my feet touchd so for the third time ever, I had one done and my toes painted. I chose a beautiful bright blue!!!!

No being cool, calm and serene for me, no time for that! I’m in an ‘out there’ kind of mode at the moment! I keep staring at them, they look so cute...definitely not a word I would ever use for anyones toes, what has happened to me...so after the girly thing, we went home and picked up hubby and the four of us went out for lunch. It was just so laid back but perfect. We took lots of photos at home before going out for lunch. Unfortunately the girls had to take turns taking pics and being in them, so none of the four of us together. And in the evening, we all sat out in the backyard chilling out talking. Nothing wildly exciting, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. I say it every year now when my birthday is coming up, how important it is for me to recognise and celebrate each birthday. I am happy to shout my age from the roof tops, I’m so proud of it! And each year I am excited to become another year older. Don’t take it for granted. So many don’t get to reach a ripe old age, it really is a blessing to do so.

I celebrated the rest of the weekend with friends, getting picked up Saturday morning and being taken for a drive, going for lunch and then to top it off, pigging out at this glorious place called The House of Chocolate...oh my giddy aunt, I felt like a little kiddy in a candy store (I’m sure I’ve used that same analogy not that long ago). I couldn’t figure out what to eat and I had, had, had to take something home for my girls. So glad I did because the girls were raving about them 

I’m going to start a new page...the blog is objecting - probably too many pictures. Part 2 to come...

Sunday 31st March - 9.55pm

What a yo-yo

Honestly? This blasted journey is so up and down. I don’t know whether I am Arthur or Martha these days. I woke up at 4.00 am feeling geat! I felt like I’d had an exceptionally good sleep, and felt it was un-necessary to try going back to sleep for an hour. Actually, it was probably the slight nausea I was feeling that was preventing it but thought I’d get on top of it early & take some medication. Great!!!! Worked wonderfully...til it was time to leave for work...nausea back again...so take another tablet - easy! But had to take a third tablet after being at work for a wee while. Then the lack of concentration kicks in, although I was able to complete a couple of jobs that needed completeing (thank goodness) but it just got too much. I couldn’t keep my eyes open...I felt heavy and lethargic, so I thought, bugger it, I’m going home. I’d done a half day (7am to 11am). When I got home, I crashed out to sleep for about 3.5 hours!!!!!! Wow! As we all know I struggle terribly with having to leave work, or being absent, even though I’ve been told not to worry - its not an issue - but I don’t like it. I struggle with the guilt of incompletion, its terrible. By then the damn nausea comes back when I wake up, so yep you guessed it, downed yet another nausea tablet. Why is this happening so much? Do I need to ask for a CT scan? Has the cancer travelled to my gut? I’m going to see the oncologist in April so will make it a point of discussion with whomever I see.

But for now, I’ll just keep plodding along and try not to worry too much (easy to say, hard to do) and try, try, try to stay longer at work, and should I have to leave, not feel guilty about it. I feel like the cancer is getting more of a grip on me. Not so much the cancer itself, but the effects of it. If I hated it before, imagine how I feel about it now. Still, tomorrow is another day. Today was supposed to be yoga day but my gut is still feeling rather precious so will leave it for this week...dammit.

But on the super good side, I had such a lovely weekend, quite busy for me and the pain was quite managable, even today actually. So its either one or the other - no way that you can have it all but isn’t that just life in general...

Take care xx

Monday 25th March 2019 - 5.16pm

Such a productive weekend

 It’s Saturday evening and already I can say it’s been a productive weekend. It feels great! My big girl and I went water walking yesterday morning,   There was probably about half a dozen people there for the same reason and we would’ve walked for about 40 minutes.  It felt so good finally getting around to starting  and I really hope I continue on with it. Later on in the day the girls and I went to go visit Nana (hubbys mum)  at the Resthome. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen her. I think due to me not feeling very well these past few weeks. She was so funny when we walked in. When she saw me she almost bounced out of bed to throw her arms around me and said “oh my my god Tan, where have you been, what’s going on, I’ve been worried about you and I’ve missed you. I just gave her a big hug and felt such a rush of love for this fiercely independant woman.  We stayed for awhile and took photos of the four of us and I told her I’ll go back on Sunday and take hubby with me this time. She looked so happy to see us.

 When we got home we all crashed out for afternoon naps and when I woke up I felt sick as a dog. The nausea appears to have changed tact now,  no longer rearing its ugly head solely in the mornings. It strikes at any time of the day and can last for quite a long time. The other evening I had to take a double dose of nausea tablets, almost ready to take a third one but didn’t feel too comfortable doing that. It eventually dissapated - thank goodness! 

And so today has been another productive day. My big girl and I popped out to buy some bits and pieces for nanas room at the rest home. It looks so clinical and am trying to make it look a bit more homely. I’ve already brought a couple of things but they look lost so obviously some more stuff is needed. I’m quite excited about taking them along tomorrow and showing mum what I’ve brought. I might take some pics and post them next time. 

Then I went and got my hair cut and coloured this afternoon - its a completely different colour, have kept the pixie cut but my stylist has kept my hair curly this time. When I cut it short the last time I went, I saw someone different and she encouraged me to straighten it, so I even went out and brought a straightener. I’ve loved it! And I love what my hair stylist has done this time. Funny how they all have different takes on things eh. They took before and after photos today and will use on their instagram account and tag one of my girls. I’ve asked them to send me the pics, so I can see the comparison. Can’t wait to see them! 

So yep its been a very busy weekend for me and it feels good to be out and about doing things. I even went out for dinner with friends on Wednesday night. Its seems so long since I’ve done any of that. At one stage I felt like I was never at home. But this is what I need to be doing, and it feels great especially knowing I am doing things for myself, such as the yoga and hopefully continuation of water walking. No reason for it other than to get out and to do something for myself, to make me feel better. Amazing how much we are influenced by our minds. We have to keep our minds happy and healthy and if we have to help it along the way by taking medication, there is absolutely no shame in that. I’ve already admitted I am on antidepressants. I don’t think I’ll ever wean myself off them. The knowledge and reality of having cancer is too real and your mood can be up and down like a yo-yo. I don’t mind admitting I need help to keep me feeling balanced. If you feel you need help, don’t be embarrassed or don’t feel ashamed. There is so much we have to contend with in life now. Things aren’t simple anymore, its almost like the more knowledge man has, and uses it to build and construct new things, it causes a whole lot more complications. The internet and social media are two exceptionally prime examples. They have their uses without a doubt but with them comes a world  of problems.

My mood has lifted considerably since my last post. Pain hasn’t been as bad, or is it simply a case of me being more onto it about taking my meds on time? I don’t really know...but I know this happens from time to time. The imbalance of pain but lets take the good days and grab onto,them with both hands and hold on as long as we can.

My last post was very real and very raw for me and obviously for those reading it. My very good friend who lives in Australia made contact with me immediately to give me encouragement. She often does this and I always appreciate it. Another friend acknowledged it with a hug, no words, but a beautiful big hug and I appreciated it. I know it was a hard post for you to read, but imagine how hard it was for me feeling that way, and to open up and share it with you. I must admit I am surprised I didn’t receive any comments or had more contact from people making sure I was ok or to,simply say “good for you Tan” I know I asked people not to be scared by what I wrote but the word ‘suicide’, its a big scary ol’ word and I really just thought more people may have reached out. I shouldn’t have expectations, this is my choice to tell my story but sometimes I wonder if anyone is even still reading this. I guess I wouldn’t be surprised if people didn’t because I know it can be very depressing at times, but I do try to post the good stuff too. But this is my journey...my breast cancer journey. Wish it was as easy as switching off from posts for me as well to take a break from the daily grind of bloody terminal  breast cancer But I don’t get to. I get to  live this each and every day. Its all about taking the good with the bad. But please remember, just because someone looks like they are coping well, doesn’t necessarily mean they are, or remember there is more happening beneath the exterior than you realise. 

I saw this on one of my breast cancer face book pages - have a read of it. It applies to all of us...

Saturday 23rd March 2019 - 9.38pm

Suicide - warning, post is a little sensitive

I felt an urge to write this post last night but was aware the content could probably scare or upset people, so decided I would leave it. I’ve slept on it but I feel I have to get this out. For me, writing my feelings down is such a release. I can let it go and move on...please don’t be frightened by what I am about to write...

Yesterday was a rather emotional day. I wascalled in for a ‘chat’ by a friend at work, who had been asked by management to talk to me. Our GM had over heard me in a conversation with someone else about the treatment I had received over my having to leave the office for appointments etc and he was very concerned. And he wanted to make sure I was ok, that I am not to have any pressure put on me, if I can’t handle work all day, then I leave when I want, if I need to be absent, thats good as gold (I feel terribly guilty when I am away). But he wanted this person to check in and make sure I was ok and to make sure I know these things. I felt so overwhelmed and humbled, I broke down and sobbed my eyes out. If you know our GM you would understand a bit more as he is so politically UN- Correct! And never serious, always making rude jokes etc, he cracks me up. But to hear this soft side of him just broke me. I wanted to go and give him a big hug but I knew if I did, I’d break down again...I was very fragile by this time. Then I come home and read about my metavivors sisters who are fighting the government for more access to drugs to keep us alive longer.  There was a video attached of the women reading their submissions - god, I just broke down and cried all over again. Hearing their stories, seeing their tears, it was heart breaking. It took me quite a while to gather myself together. 

But somewhere in between all that, I had forgotten to take my pain meds on time and it doesn’t take too long before the damn pain creeps in. So as I staggered out to the dining room to get them, I had this thought - it hit me like a bolt! I suddenly felt like suicide could be a viable option and then I wouldn’t have to deal with this pain and everything else breast cancer throws at me. I got such a shock, because this thought was so serious. It was a minute or so before I thought no, theres no way I could ever kill myself. I couldn’t ever do that to my husband and beautiful daughters. And these metavivor women are fighting to stay alive and the fact I even comtemplated killing myself - no way. But it gave me a hell of a fright. For that split moment, I felt like suicide was a way out for me to stop feeling so goddam tragic all the time. My good friend at work said to me, she never realised what was going on inside of me behind the scenes. When I am at work, I have a happy fascade I show everyone and then she reads my blog and finds out how I really feel. But work to me is such a life saver...even though I still ache and sometimes can hardly keep my eyes open, there are lots of people to interact with and I am so busy doing my work I have other things to think of besides myself. And I love my job! There may be days where the thought of going fills me with dread but honestly, once I get there, I am fine and super happy to be there! 

So I hope I didn’t give you a fright. Suicide is a scary word. I watching a set of five NZ doco’s about suicide, called “Jessica’s Tree”. It was heart breaking and I cried as I watched it. It was powerful, it was desperately sad and it made me think more about those who fight with thoughts of living & dying. I was always one of those people who is never sure if someone is cowardly for taking the ‘easy’ way out or if they are brave, because I think it takes guts to carry that action out. But this story of Jessica and the young woman who was narrating the doco, have given me more of an understanding and I am so saddened that people, especially young people feel they want to die. A part of me feels like I would like to become part of the suicide prevention world. But I don’t know what I could do...but I have often felt like this about lots of things. I have always felt like I can jump on my white horse and save the world, one person at a time. But the only person I should be saving these days is myself...along with my loved ones

Friday 15th March 2019 - 9.23am

Fatigue

I don’t know...I was off work yet again today...woke up feeling exhausted when my alarm went off, felt like I had hardly slept, my right heel and ankle were throbbing like crazy and I just couldn’t drag myself out of bed. I made the decision to stay home because I figured with the tiredness I was feeling, I wouldn’t make it through the day at work. I’m beginning to recognise the different stages of tiredness and it feels like its getting worse. I thought I had made peace with myself when I have to stay home from work, but I haven’t. I felt terribly guilty this morning, because its just so damn often. I may as well cut down to three days instead of 4...I’m never made to feel guilty by management which is so appreciated. But after the pangs of guilt, I went straight back to sleep, for a good few hours, feeling groggy when I woke up. It was past meds time so indeed that damn sneaky pain had made its presence felt.  So, so bloody sick of it! I am sick of being in pain!!!!! I am sick of tweaking the damn pain meds so I can: 1) get rid of the pain and secondly, function somewhat remotely like a living, awake human. Not too much to ask for is it? Well it appears so.

On top of that, after lunch, I ended up with a bloody UTI, constantly running to the toilet, trying to expel all the urine I felt the urge to get rid of, when in fact all that expelled, was a dribble!!!! Arms covered in goosebumps- with this awful sensation in the pit of my stomach - everytime! - weird!!! I’m really susceptible to UTI’s now, all it takes is for me to hold on for a measley 5 minutes too long and boom! There it starts... pleased to say it appears to have finally settled down now.

My sunny disposition has slipped considerably today. I-AM-SO-BLOODY-FED-UP-BEING-IN-PAIN-ALL-THE-BLOODY-TIME!!!!! Sick, sick, sick of it!!! I could feel the words ‘I hate my life’on my lips and had to quickly stifle them and remind myself to be grateful for what I do have, but it isn’t always easy. Having cancer has made such a change to me and my life. Its not just cancer, anyone who has an illness will experience this in various ways. Apart from the pain I feel constantly, tiredness is the other major burden I experience. But the tiredness I experience is completely different to the tiredness you may feel. And for some reason people assume when you have cancer, your tiredness is from chemo or radio therapy. I’ve had neither. The tiredness is more ‘fatigue’ or ‘exhaustion’. As well as chemo & radio therapy, surgery can cause it (remember I had five surgeries), hormone therapy, of which I have regularly, not to mention what the wretched disease is doing to your body. People more often than not don’t understand the effect this feeling has on you and the limitations it places on you. We need to learn our own limitations and to be honest, its taken me a long time to do this and I still fight it at times. I hate having to be asleep by 9.00pm week nights, so I’ll be fresh as a daisy when my alarm goes off at 5.30am. So I simply don’t, often still awake at 10.30pm & beyond.

I’ve just started yoga class once a week and I’m hoping this may help my fatigue. I’m enjoying the breathing exercises and mindfulness (meditation). I’ve even meditated at home a couple of times. Something I never ever thought would be me but I can’t believe how relaxed it makes me feel.

I had my usual treatment yesterday. It all went well, although it took quite a while to find a vein. Hasn’t taken this long for a wee while from what I can recall from my shocking memory but from there, it was all gung-ho. Took my crocheting with me and was even able to do some. Usually the lure is in such a precarious spot and I can’t move my hand. Next appointment (April) will be to see the oncologist as well as treatment. My life is lived in four week increments - no wonder time goes so fast.

Tuesday 12th March 2019 - 9.40pm

Life is so much better

Its 6.15am Saturday morning...I woke up about 5am, for a toilet run but the cats thought that was their queue to be feed so immediately tan to their bowls...what else could I do but oblige, so cats have been fed, I’ve got myself a coffee (with cream - yum!} and older daughter is up, getting ready to start work at 7.30am. Hubby is the only only still in sleep mode, lucky bugger!

I am really happy to say my mood has picked up considerably. I made a decision that I needed to start living and while I still haven’t startd water walking yet, it is something I would like to do and will in my own time. I’ve been really busy the last couple of weeks and so if I’ve done too much, I am too tired to go.

Last Friday was my younger daughters 20th birthday. She is very much an old soul and I’ve been saying it seems like she should have turned 20 years ago! Both the girls and I had a girly day out - it was womderful. Firstly, I shouted baby girl to a hair cut at Rodney Waynes which is where I go so my lovely hair stylist did her cut...she felt like a million bucks when it was finished, and then after that we went to The Falls for brunch and took,lots of girly pics and had wonderful food.

I’ve been to my first ever yoga session. This is something I have felt would be beneficial for me since diagnosis. A post from a friends daughter who takes yoga classes came up on face book and it felt right, so I messaged this young lady. And then her mum discovered I had done this, so she in turn reached out to me encouraging me to go...it was exactly what I needed, just to know one person was enough to really give me that push. I thoroughly enjoyed it, I enjoyed the breathing exercises, the meditating part of it, even the exercises which were tough on an old body that hasn’t done any for a long time. By the time I finished, I was drenched in sweat, shaking like a leaf but feeling exhaustedly on top of the world! Driving hime though, I was exhausted and when I got home, I showered and went straight to bed after a good dose of pain meds. My back was aching like crazy by this time and I was a bit worried about how I’d feel the next morning. But to be honest I felt great!  So I’m definitely going back this week!

Its been a busy week, my mother in law has had very precarious health for a number of years now but she recently had a fall and was so weak, was unable to get up, even with a family member with her to help A scary experience for both of them. So she ended up in hospital where she was for about 3 weeks. Family meetings and conversations followed, as the hospital were reluctant for her to go home as mother lives in a two storey house. Bathroom, toilet & bedrooms are upstairs so its not like she could even live and sleep downstairs. The decision for now is that she goes in to aged care, and has been placed into a lovely resthome not too far from is, and just down the road from my brother in law who is the one who had been doing all the meetings with doctors, social workers etc alone. My niece and I picked her up from hospital to transition her into the rest home. Something I wanted to do, as I’ve not been able to do much these days for her so this was something I could do. I was so happy to help but man, was I exhausted by the end of it. I was so glad my niece was there with me...she was great with her nana and just having the company. That was Thursday so very early days. It was quite hard leaving her, she doesn’t particularly want to be there but so proud of her because she is giving it a go. It could very well be a short term stay, who knows, but the staff there are lovely. Hubby & I went to visit yesterday again...I am hoping after a fewdays has gone by and she has been able to get her head around it all, she is curious enough to go have a look around or go and read her magazines in the loung area, or eat in the dining room and interact with others. I get it...that this is a huge change for her, so shes allowed to take time to get used to it. I so hope she starts to enjoy it.

I have my next treatment on Monday...almost forgot to het my injection in time! I suddenly remembered at about 4pm yesterday, so rang my usual pharmacy in a blind panic! These injections aren’t stocked, he has to get them in specially, so next day is the usual. So I’ll go pick that up along with repeats of drugs. I’m still tweaking these as there are days at work where I have been unable to keep my eyes open...its bloody annoying. 

Crocheting continues although I have slowed down. I have four orders at the moment so better pull finger. I LOVE keeping my page up to date. It really gives me an interest.

Saturday 9th March 2019 - 7.10am