I’ve been awake with fairly intense back pain for about the last hour or so...hoping maybe its my imagination, or maybe because it’s still early hours of the morning where everyone is still asleep and its so quiet, its more pronounced than it really is. Weighing up what to do - tossing up which pain killers I should take but either way, they take a few hours to kick in. What I’d really like to do is lie on something warm like an electric blanket, and have the warmth radiate through me and see if that makes a difference. All I have is a wheat bag and you never quite know where to situate the damn thing cos the pain is all over and the wheat bag is so small. I went to check out if its in its usual spot but its not...I had seen it in one of the girls rooms the other day and so presume it’s still there now.
I finally decided to hit the pain with a mixture of the stronger pain meds and a couple of paracetamol. I don’t like taking them because tiredness is one of the side effects but I have pretty much decided I won’t be going to work today. I can’t cope with the thought of having to sit up for 8 hours. Once upon a time maybe...not today.
While rustling about trying to find my tablets, I heard what I thought sounded like the music of a mobile ringtone and immediately thought ‘oh no, our poor boy has been called out again!’ And I’m right...its raining for one thing and that’s usually their busiest times, and when I went to look for the wheat bag, the back door light was on...a sure sign that he has gone out. Poor guy - he had a callout about midnight last night and was out for a couple of hours and now again. Wonder if he will get to start work a bit later then. He’s had a few call outs this weekend - its the thought of him out there alone, in the dark and the rain that makes me feel sorry for him. If my baby girl is awake, she will often go with him to keep him company.
It worries me having this pain - its the third time in a couple of weeks where its been a lot more than usual. Usually I can muddle my way through it but this is a bit more serious. I did try doing that recently, put a brave face on and went to work but I remember feeling so bloody miserable and think I ended up leaving early - it becomes very tiring trying to cope with it instead of getting on top of it and resting. But getting on top of it often means taking the stronger meds but I can’t cope with fighting the tiredness while I’m in the office. At least at home I can lie down and even just sit and close my eyes but at work, I still have to sit up at my desk and try to be productive. Much easier to stay home and go back when I’m back on my game. But is this my fault I am feeling like this? Am I doing something wrong? I sat out in the backyard last night for a few hours listening to music, finally coming in after 9pm to get my clothes ready for work and then go to bed. But then I couldn’t go to sleep cos I’d had an hour or so sleep waking up about 4-ish. I had done quite a bit this weekend, housework wise and while I was folding up the washing earlier in the afternoon, I remember having to sit back because my back was aching then...I’d also had to soak my feet in the afternoon because they were throbbimg...I know to a point I have to be responsible for myself to ensure I am able to cope with the days but goddam it is so bloody frustrating when you know you should really be going to sleep at 9.00pm so that when your alarm goes off at 5.30am or even 6.00am, you have had a decent number of hours sleep. (I’ve always needed 7 or 8 hours sleep, preferrably 8). 9pm is hard to cope with whether its summer or winter but especially in summer. Its daylights savings so its still light, and its so bloody hot...last night I had the small fan going. Its right beside me and so it was blowing directly onto my back...is that what’s caused the aching this morning???
At least the meds have kicked in thank goodness plus I stumbled into my girls room and found the wheatbag so have had that sitting in the small of my lowerback - what bliss. I hit the spot immediately and felt I was reaping the benefits immediately. Normally I am moving and juggling the damn thing around trying to find the best spot - well done me...
Theres no getting around it...this cancer shit and well though I am, has definitely caused changes to my life. I am talking about on a daily basis. I still have the same two symptoms - tiredness and aching but the impact these two things have on my life can be fairly significant at times. Often I find doing the simplest things has repercussions. Most of it eminates from my back. We don’t really know if the aching in my back is caused by the exemestane or if it’s the cancer itself. But when I empty the dishwasher, my back hurts...when I lean over the washing basket to fold clothes up, my back hurts...when I make the bed, my back hurts and so on...when I sit in a chair and go to get up, my joints ache and its hard to get up...since Christmas the bone near my right shin has been hurting and is pronounced when I walk so walking down stairs is particularly painful. And I feel like these have gotten worse over the last few months and I feel helpless with no idea what to do. Its like I can see myself getting worse and its bloody scary. Sure I still look well but the old body is definitely feeling it...my big girl and I went to the movies on Saturday night and I felt very decrepit. She had to keep stopping and waiting for me to catch up. I couldn’t help but laugh at myself and wonder what others around me are thinking...
I try so hard to stay positive and keep my good humour and most of all be grateful this is all I have to worry about. But lately I really dispise what this fucking bullshit disease has done to me. I hate the physical impact it has on my life... not to mention the mental impact. I wonder as my family see the changes in me, how it feels for them to see me struggle daily in the simplest of things or maybe they don’t see it as much as I feel it. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t all getting me down a bit lately. I don’t really have any other option but to continue on and try to find ways of managing myself better. Easy to say especially if its advice your giving someone else and not having to do yourself. One moment your life is plodding along nicely and then ‘BOOM!’ your hit with an illness which completely turns your life upside down and changes everything you have ever known out the window and you have to modify what you do...its very frustrating. Sometimes I wish this blog wasn’t public because I think people must get sick of hearing me whinge about the same shit all the time. But this is my place to vent my frustrations. Lately I wish I could attend the Sweet Louise support meetings so I know I’m not alone in my thoughts and feelings.
The codeine side effects are definitely starting to kick in now, I can feel myself starting to doze off and then hear myself make funny snoring noises. I’m very good at ignoring my body when it’s telling me its time to have a sleep, often refusing to give in until hours later, sometimes causing a ripple effect.
Time to listen to the codeine...I’m really fighting to keep my eyes open. Maybe just a cuppa and some toast first
Monday 22nd January 2018 - 7.25am
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