How can one day go from one extreme to another? I guess much the same as how Auckland weather can have four seasons in one day.
I was so tired this morning (just for a change), I contemplated staying home but you know me...I just can’t do it. Being tired and suffering from more achiness than usual isn’t quite enough to make me stay home. And all I could think about was this project I have been given to complete by a certain date and so far had only been able to fit it in here and there due to my work load. So my vision for the day was to crack into it and so I did...I was suitably impressed with myself, haven’t finishd it by any means but have definitely put a big dent in it. I was so damn proud of myself! And then all of a sudden the tireness overwhelms me. I try walking around, make myself a cuppa but nothing is working. By 3.30pm, I come to the realisation nothing is going to work and I may as well go home and get some rest and save work having to pay for my non-productivity. Its quite scary feeling that level of tiredness especially when you are in charge of a moving vehicle. I had at least three times where I felt so drowsy I almost closed my eyes while driving. Such relief to get home...crashed out to sleep for two hours, now not feeling like I can drop off to sleep any time soon...and so the cycle continues...will just have to make sure I rest tomorrow after work and hopefully get an early-ish sleep.
Wonder what it is that makes you so weary when you have any kind of ‘condition’. I guess your body is trying to still run at full capacity even though it doesn’t completely have the capability and so your juice runs out at a faster rate. Its bloody frustrating. No matter how many times I say this is my new normal and I just have to get used to it, it is very frustrating. I can’t help but have a chuckle at myself sometimes, as I try to get up ‘quickly’ in an ad break of a program to make a cuppa or go bathroom. There is no moving quickly for me anymore. And then when I do get up, I hobble like a, I don’t even know what...my supervisor sent me a message this afternoon asking if I could go see him quickly. I laughed to myself...and as he saw me hobbling towards his office, he asked whats wrong...I cracked up and told him ‘no quickly for me anymore’. He had a wee laugh too...
Hubby came home from his holiday with my cousins on Saturday. He had a blast and brought some fish home where he proceeded to divvy it up amongst people. It was his choice who he gave it to, and I was really impressed. I thought he was very kind. We ended up having an impromptu gathering which was really lovely. Hubbys brother had come up, the three of us had a few drinks and then the babies all came home with a couple of our friends in tow...so out came the darts. So even though it was a 2.00am bedtime for me, it was actually a really chilled out weekend - perfect!
My trip to Melbourne to stay with my other sister is looming up very quickly. Can’t wait to spend some time with her. We’ve never really spent a lot of time together but this journey seems to have brought us closer. I have often talked about those whom I feel should know better yet avoid contact with me. Yet this sister, even though we hadn’t been in too much contact, took it upon herself to ring me when she found out about my diagnosis and has kept in touch, and when she heard I was going over last year, was determined to be there to see me. That is pure gold...you don’t forget things like that. That is what is important to me now. “People” - actions speak louder than words for sure. They don’t have to be big sweeping gestures, simply making it known that I am thought of. The only thing wrong with that saying though is that it doesn’t apply to me too much these days. My heart means well and my head tells me I want to do something for someone...but my body tells a completely different story and doesn’t seem capable of carrying anything through. Since the lovely long weekends, I feel like I have been avoiding talking to anyone and I feel a bit guilty. I think I wrote about it in an earlier post, but I just don’t feel like ringing anyone, or messaging or emailing anyone yet I don’t know why...I’m not depressed, in fact I am loving the summer, I’m not pissed off at anyone (that can change in a heartbeat!) - weird. Consumed with myself? Probably...
My facebook page is still deactivated and I don’t miss it one iota! Sometimes I feel a bit cut off and I don’t take many pics now cos no fb to put them on...and I don’t post on here everytime I take another photo...but its ok, I can cope with that feeling. Sometimes I think about doing an online dairy...more about what I do each day, or how each day has gone, more than about keeping people up to date with the cancer thing...I could put pics on that...I don’t know...just rambling now. Its after 11.30pm now, I should really be trying to settle down to get a bit of shut eye. The wind is blowing quite fiercely, its too hot to shut both windows so the open one is rattling the curtain hooks with the curtain blowing about, quietly driving me nuts. To shut it or keep it open? Such a tough decision to make at this time of the night...
Tuesday 16th January 2017 - 11.40pm
Middle of the first month already...cripes xx
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