Life is for the living

I’ve had four wonderful nights away in Melbourne staying with my sister and her wonderfully close friend, who is like another sister. I’m so glad I went, it has cemented a relationship in a way that it hadn’t previously been. When I think about the obstacles they have had to overcome over the years, as we all do one way or another, it seems to made things much clearer in my mind.  Perhaps the seed had been planted before I went away, over a period of time.  I feel like I have been hit with an epiphany...and they are words I often use when talking to others “life is for the living”.

Let me explain what I mean...it has been two years since being diagnosed metastatic / advanced / stage 4 / incurable - however you wish to word it and those two years have been about coming to terms with it all. The diagnosis, the changes within myself etc. But now I think I need to put it towards the back of my mind and get on with life. Stop talking about dying, stop comparing myself to others. I firmly believe I am going to live for years yet, unless I step out in front of a bus or something (mistakingly of course). My oncologist said it - I am doing so well, he is so pleased at how I am doing on my current treatment. While I will never be cured, why can’t I stay stable for years to come...and when this treatment stops working, I have other options available to me. Am I scared the cancer will move? Of course I am...Do I hate or resent the affect this shit disease has had on me? Absolutely! But I am alive and I am actually really quite healthy otherwise! I cannot live the rest of my life talking about dying or when I’m going to die - I have too much life in me yet. Its not fair to those around me...its one thing to be realistic and face shit, but its another to talk about it all the time. Does this even make sense?

I read a story this afternoon about a woman cop here in West Auckland who has been diagnosed with incurable cancer yet after her initial treatments is now back at work and she has been involved in a number of well known cases. Her story has actually blown me away and given me a sense of ‘if she can do it, so can I’. I’m sure she also has to ‘manage’ things to get through the day or the week but you don’t need a bloody incurable disease to have to do that...

While I don’t think I have ever really felt sorry for myself and have taken this all on the chin and coped pretty well, it is time to further change my way of thinking.

So, I have breast cancer...and so its incurable. So I have to go to sleep early during the week when I am working, or make sure I get plenty of rest - I am alive and it doesn’t stop me from living. I have years yet and I don’t want them wasted on feeling sad, angry, resentful and worried about dying. I especially don’t want my babies feeling like that either, and so their confidence in my health can only come from me and how they see my perception of life. I choose to live my life here-on-in and not dwell on the possibilities or shit that may come further down the track. 2018 is a new year and I am determined it will be the first of many good ones for us.

Will I have moments of being scared or fed up? I’m bloody positive I will...thats human nature. I don’t need to fill time with doing death defying things or weird and wonderful things, I am happy with my quiet life...I love being at home, I love spending time with my family, I love catching up with friends...I love ‘life’ - I just intend living it with a new attitude and with those who want to be a part of it.

While my holiday in Melbourne was to spend time with this particular sister and was only for a few days, I am very grateful that we were given the opportunity to spend a few hours with our other sisters two older daughters. Her poor baby was most pissed off that she wasn’t able to join us, but there will be another time, soon...its times like this that are important...

Saturday 3rd February 2018 - 3.45pm