What a yo-yo

What a bloody yo-yo of emotions these last few days. Yesterday I think I had every emotion available to man, ending on a high and enjoying being out for dinner with my lovely family and embracing turning 52, whereas in the morning I was angry and sad that I even had to think about embracing the rest of my birthdays - honestly!

And then today, while I have been in a good mood, I have felt like reaching inside my bra and throwing my prosthesis away and then reaching inside my chest and yanking out this bloody implant. Some days are more bearable with these 'things' and then there are days like today, when I absolutely HATE THEM! HATE HATE HATE THEM!!! I feel so ungrateful saying that, as we are lucky enough here in NZ to have free healthcare and all the time and effort that went into the whole process. But today, they have felt very false, and very heavy. Hindsight is a wonderful thing - if I had my time over again, I would not have had reconstructive surgery done. But you make the decision you do with the information you have at the time, for the reasons you feel comfortable with. I've had people say to me "you shouldn't have had reconstructive surgery straight away, you should have waited until later". Well too fucking late now (sorry) - its done and I can't change it!!!!

And then to add insult to injury, I feel like I have put the little bit of weight I had lost, back on again. Ugh!!!! I am not liking myself very much at fhe moment. I know, I know, I am full of shite. I go on about how your health is more important, be grateful for what you have, and so on, and here I am whinging because I intensely dislike the way I look and feel right now. So what did I do...I put the kettle on to make a cup of tea, went straight to the fridge and stuffed my face on a piece of chocolate cake that was left in the fridge!!!! WTF...even stuffed the cake in my gob before the cuppa was even made!

And now as I lie in bed typing this out on my Ipad that is going to die sometime soon, I can hear a fly flying around the room and landing on a plastic bag - its little wings are going 'buzzzzzzzz' and that is driving me crazy...this has to be a menopausal mood surely?

Reading back on this, it sounds a bit like a bloody badly written comedy. Lucky I'm not a professional blogger trying to earn a living from it!

Oh well, it could be worse - at least tomorrow is Friday. No plans for the weekend, just a couple of chilled out days. While its been a short week workwise, it has felt like quite a long week - a number of things going on. Traffic has been really crap going to work the last few days - diabolical in fact. Almost tempting to leave home earlier tomorrow except I already get up at 5.45am and leave home at 7.00am. I usually try to get to work early, so I can try and make up time that I have been out of the office for appointments. Doesn't always work, especially this week!

I have just found that damn fly that was buzzing around and have overdosed it on flyspray. Its now dying a slow death thankfully, while I choke on the fumes of the spray. Ember is sitting on the end of the bed wondering what the hell is going on...she does not look the least bit impressed!

Oops, she's left the room...

Thursday 30th March 2017 - 9.26pm

Birthday post no. 2

Wow, what a Negative Nancy I have been lately, and such a sad sop this morning!  Of course I should be happy and grateful that I am here to celebrate my 52nd birthday - be proud of it!  And so here I am, in a much better mood...

My lovely young friends have taken me out for a yummy Vietnamese lunch today - my puku is full and ready to burst!  Thank you ladies, you really just light up my day -  I am very blessed to have you as my friends.

Tonight I get to go out and have dinner with my beautiful family.  I will in all probability stuff my face on prawns and get gout back again (although I'm not entirely sure it has completely gone from the last time) and I am happy to say, I am now looking forward to eating out.

I don't really know what was wrong this morning.  I have had a few things on my mind lately, and having to say goodbye to my family in Australia - and the worry of my appointment next week, its all been piling on me a wee bit, but its time to stop and smell the coffee.  I usually tell other people "don't panic until there is something to panic about" and so here I am reminding myself.

Both scans have been done - bone scan on Monday and CT scan yesterday.  They had a hell of a time trying to find a vein yesterday to put the contrast through.  They had put my hand in a bucket of warm water twice (makes the veins more prominent), and finally on the fifth go finding a vein, success!  It was looking like trying to get an anaesthetic tech to come and find a vein, but they had left for the day, so then the next option was to re-book my appointment.  But I was not having that!  I wanted the results available at my oncology appointment next week.  I have been geared up for the last three months about these bloody scans, knowing they are going to be done, and knowing we will be finding out what is happening, so was so very happy when they were finally able to get it done.  Never been so glad to get jabbed in all my life!

                                                                           Bone Scan...


Wednesday 29th March 2017 - 2.12pm

Happy birthday to me...

I am 52 today...instead of feeling happy that I have reached this years birthday, I am a mix of angry and scared. I am angry rhat I even have to feel this way. To be grateful that I have reached 52 and now hope to reach 53! How shit is that...I shouldn't even be having to worry about that but instead I am 'grateful'. It just doesn't seem right. I am going out for dinner tonight with my family as I'vebeen saying that I should mark each birthday in some way and not just let them pass without some kind of acknowledgement, so the restaurant has been booked but in all honesty, right at this very moment I just don't feel like going. I don't want to go to work, I just want to go back to bed and bury my head under the blankets. I am very close to tears and the last time I felt like this, I cried on and off at work everytime someone said something to me. I don't want that today...

And scared...scared of the results from these scans this week. I want the results but I am also terrified of what could be. This is what living with metastatic breast cancer is like...the fear and the unknown. I have been reading my notebook over again which is taken to my oncology appointments. You forget what is in there because so much information is thrown at you and the two things that have stuck out for me was that I have a spot on my pancreas and a nodule on my lung. The lung they will keep a close eye on...what if it shows up that it has worsened, what if it confirms that it is cancer. The pancreas doesn't seem to have them worried too much but they will watch my lung closely...doesn't inspire a lot of confidence.

But hopefully these feelings will dissipate soon and I will become my usual cheer germ by the time I get to work. Right at this moment, my heart is feeling pretty heavy...


Wednesday 29th March 2017 - 6.46am

Home again

Home again...what a wonderful holiday - lots of photos taken, lots of laughs and have come home with lots of memories. Hard saying goodbye and trying to keep those tears in check but time to come home and see our families. Once I got on the plane, I felt like I had ants in my pants. I just wanted to get home and see my hubby and my babies. As we came through the 'arrivals' lounge, there is my gorgeous cousin yelling "welcome home" and waving madly - all in the front row! Such a cool greeting - can't help but laugh as I think about it now.

While my family missed me, I think I was most missed by my obsessive cat 'Ember'. She has followed me constantly since I got home and everytime I sit down, she jumps up on the seat next to me...funny girl

 And so it is the next day and I sit outside and do a bit more reflecting.

I had the privilege of really being able to connect in person with my older sister whom I haven't had a great deal to do with over the years but she has always been there in the background and this was an opportunity for that to change and I truly believe it has. Many years ago when our mum died, 'E' came home and brought her good friend 'K' with her. 'K' fitted in right from the start and so I have always thought of her as another sister. It was wonderful connecting with these two beautiful ladies again and I look forward to this relationship flourishing even more.

We are constantly reminded of how precious life is, of how short it can be and how it can change in a heartbeat. Coming home is tinged with sadness as I hear news of what is happening within other families - lives that we are touched by in some way. A young man killed while on holiday overseas - showing his braveness while trying to save the life of his girlfriend. This is so unfair and my heart breaks for his family and I watch my baby girl as she cries for her friend, who has lost her big brother. This is not how life is meant to play out for someone so young. I feel sick and want to cry my heart out for this family and wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all ok. Life isn't a fairy tale is it...

The other piece of news, I am still processing but it is a reminder that life should not be taken for granted. I have talked previously about not sweating the small stuff and yet I do it constantly. I'm too fat, I don't have much money, I don't have this and I don't have that - this has been a timely reminder for me 'life' is what is precious. 'Life' and 'family / friends'...

Thoughts of my absolutely awesome holiday fills my heart with joy and brings a smile to my face. Holidays are lovely but so is being home...

Here are a few moments and memories...

                                                           My sister and her daughters

Let us all take a moment to look around and embrace what we have - and remind ourselves of the richness we all have - peace in our lives and the presence of our loved ones in our lives

Saturday 25th March 2017 - 1.53pm

First anniversary...

Today is the first anniversary of our dearly loved cousin who passed away of metastatic breast cancer. She was my 'go to' person when I was first diagnosed with bc and she cried her heart out when I first told her it had metastised. I have had many questions that I have dearly wanted to ask her over this last year, and I often wish I had asked more questions even before I was diagnosed but always felt it was too intrusive. She was quite a private person but I know she would have willingly shared anything with me that I may have asked. And so I feel it is very fitting that on this day, I am here in Cobram with my sister and family, with our actual cousin, who was married for many years to this lovely little lady. We are all very close and my sister and brother in law miss out on a lot being so far away from us, and so it is lovely to be here to share this day together. Having said that, I do feel for my cousins who have been left behind at home.

We have been away on a road trip, going away in my brother in laws prized possession - a 1957 Ford Fairlane. We stayed overnight at a place called "Bright". What a wonderful night away...we went for dinner at this funny little restaurant called Thirteen Steps. Amazingly beautiful food. I had my ever first scallop and only because the others egged me on to try it. To my surprise I liked it! The whole trip was just very cool. It is so easy to forget all the trials and tribulations of home while being here. At home I am responsible for everything...here I don't need to worry and just revell in being with my family. I haven't spent a lot of time with my nieces but see them here and there and thats ok. I am in their world now where they have stuff to do.

Time is getting away and before you know it, it will be time for my cousin and I to fly home again. But some time is better than no time and we will go home with wonderful memories. I have been able to see for myself their beautiful home which they recently purchased and will make plans to come back soon, with the rest of my household this time.

Where Mrs S was a very private person, I am like an open book. I share my story with anyone and everyone and am always happy to answer questions. The more that people can learn about this disease and dispel myths, the better for all concerned. People are often too reluctant to discuss things which make them feel uncomfortable, regardless of what it is and I find that quite sad. Talking is a powerful tool but is one that a lot of people aren't comfortable using. Me, I can talk the hind leg off a horse. We all feel vulnerable at different times and shouldn't be scared or embarrassed to share it.


Monday 20th March 2017 - 4.15pm (Aussie time) 6.15pm (NZ time)

Melbourne - finally here!

I have woken up this morning after my second night in Melbourne (Cobram actually) and it is just so surreal to think that I am finally here. My sister and I sit and chat away like we have never been apart and in our hearts, we haven't. Nothing compares though with actually being present in each others company.

This has been such a long awaited trip, something that has been thought about and then discussed for a little while which then made me want it to happen 'right then!' I can't tell you how magical it has been so far and so therapeutic. The first day we arrived, we went to my nieces place in Melbourne city for lunch, where we were able to catch up with my niece, her husband, meet their new baby, see our older sister whom I have not seen for many years and her very close friend whom is also like another sister. I was almost moved to tears as I hugged and held onto her. I didn't want to let go...such a wonderful afternoon catching up with everyone.

Yesterday was a chilled day here in Cobram...after sitting up drinking duty free (red wine for me) and talking the first night away once we finally arrived here (a three hour drive from Melbourne). I have even managed to have my first swim in the pool. I feel so relaxed and like I have no worries here. This afternoon we are off to the Rich Glen Olive Oil Estate for lunch and to suss out their goodies. I look forward to trying some of their flavoured olive oils and maybe bringing some home.

I have only started using olive oil since going back to see Lynda, my nutritionist and watching what I am putting into my body. The rewards are slow for now, and I hope it will only get better as I become more educated. At my last weigh in before coming here, I had lost a further 1.1 kilos in that last fortnight. You could have knocked me down with a feather as I had eaten cheesecake and ice cream, carrot cake - all remnants from my baby's 18th birthday celebration and had indulged in a 'bottle and a bit' of red wine with my cousin one evening...imagine what I could do if I was a good girl!

I will leave it here for now, time to get on with the day...times like this, you are reminded at how important family is, not just family but those who are important to you. Don't sweat the small stuff - embrace every day because you don't know when it will be your last.

Chilling by the pool with a glass of red wine, after having a couple of dips...'heaven' 

Friday 17th March 2017 - 10.18am Aussie time - 12.18pm kiwi time!

PS: Happy St Patricks Day!

Reflecting

As I sit here reflecting, I wonder what the fuck is wrong with people...its no great secret that my tolerance is pretty low these days. While people are inside their own heads dwelling on ridiculous shit, I am busy wondering what is my upcoming bone scan going to show. "Has the cancer shifted"..."has it not"..."is my tolerance to my present medication going to last much longer"... and so on. Recently I have had to face things head on and discuss with my husband and daughters what is going to happen to the house and my personal effects when I die. "Who will get what?" "Are they 'happy' with that?" "Lets drag it out every year and discuss it to make sure that we all still feel the same and tweak anything we feel needs tweaking". And still people dwell on bullshit. And yet my husband and daughters have had to have yet another reminder that I may die sooner than later. We all know I could live for years but there is always that possibility that I won't, and this is a very real fear that we all live with.  I think I have come to terms with the fact that this breast cancer will most probably kill me - 'when', I don't know and I forget that my husband and beautiful daughters haven't come to terms with it. I refer to my hubby and the girls and I forget my sister. She is another one who is touched by this and is devastated by it (and of course others, but I am talking about those closest to me). Her grief also will be palpable, but the difference is that she will have her husband and children surrounding her showering her with love and support. I'm not saying it will be any less, just different. And still, people dwell on bullshit. And you know what - I just don't give a shit and cannot be bothered dealing with it. I have bigger and better things to worry about.

"Rant over"

My next infusion and hormone shot is due tomorrow. Its almost like my life goes in 28 day cycles. Its a bit like having bloody periods again (s'cuse the pun!). The last few hormone shots have left me with massive bruising. Its like having a piece of rice injected into you, and I have to use a numbing cream about an hour before the injection.

I have been having issues with my teeth over the last wee while. Anything hot or warm hitting my top left teeth (or one tooth but could not pinpoint which one) just about sends me through the roof with the pain. After a lot of hoo-ha, I was finally able to get an appt at the oral health clinic at the hospital. The nerve is very close to my filling hence causing the pain. He is reluctant to extract the tooth because of the zometa infusion I am having. The worst case scenerio is that the bone surrounding the gap where the tooth taken out will not close as it normally would. Shit would probably get into it which would then cause an infection, causing more teeth to be removed and all the bone also removed. Major problems...and all because of the zometa imfusion I am having to strengthen my
bones, to give me a better chance. The dentist is hoping the nerve will fix itself so I have to use Colgate Sensitive and then rub it on my gum overnight. I hope it works but in the meantime, I have got used to eating and drinking anything and everything basically cold or munching on my right side. All I need now is for the teeth on that side to crap out - I really hope not. Sometimes it feels never ending.

I am off to see my sister and family next week, and am getting so excited! I know the time will just race away but something is better than nothing. I cannot believe that this time next week I will be frantically running around packing final bits into my case and just be like a cat on a hot tin roof...




When I get back, and actually it was supposed to be my first day back at work, I have to go for a bone scan. Its done in two parts. At 10.00am I will have a dye injected and then I have to hang around the hospital for three hours drinking as much as possible and then go back at 1.00pm for the actual bone scan. This will show what the cancer is doing within my bones. I am just waiting for a CT scan appt for the same week and this will show whether the cancer has spread into any of my other organs.

Results will be in when I go to see the oncologist on 5th April. Its always a bit of a daunting time, leading up to one of these appointments. Wondering "has it", "hasn't it"...but I still maintain it is pointless panicking until I am given something to panic about. Of course I get scared when I think about it and feel like a big rock is sitting in the pit of my gut but you just have to push through it and get on.

But in the meantime, I continue to feel pretty damn good...


Tuesday 7th March 2017 - 8.52pm