New Years Eve 'eve' 2016

Its 11.44pm Friday night and I for the first time in many, many years have polished off a bottle of wine. That may not seem like much to some of you but since my girls were just a few years old, I stopped drinking apart from the occasional one. So this really is quite big for me.

Not really sure what brought it on either, except that hubbys uncle gave me a bottle of merlot for Christmas (love merlot!) and I had been itching to crack it open since Boxing night but I was picking my older girl up from work at 9pm 26th, 27th and 28th December, and lo and behold did not feel like it last night.

Right at this moment, I just kind of think "fuck it - life is too short to not stop and enjoy things in the here and now". Not quite sure what I will be saying in the morning however...

But it has been a pleasant evening. Hubby and I having a drink together out in the backyard...long time since we have done that. The simple things are the nicest...

2017 is looming towards us - I have such high hopes for it.

Wishing you all a very happy new year. May 2017 be a kind year to us all. May we surround ourselves with those that mean a lot to us, forget the bullshit and live life as it was meant to be lived...

Between Christmas & New Year 2016/17

As I start this, it is 2.24pm Thursday afternoon (29/12/16). It feels like it should be time to get dinner on but thats only because it has been such a busy morning.

Left home at 6.45am-ish to drop my big girl off into town so she could catch the coach up to Whangarei. She's gone up to spend some time with her mate, for New Years and comes back in about a week. I miss her already...(hopeless!). But hope she has a frigging awesome time.

Then I came home, had brekky and then was off to the hospital to the orthopaedic clinic about my toe. "Throw the moon boot away, you don't need it!" Talk about music to my ears!!!! He said the toes will heal themselves, they are still swollen and will stay that way for a while yet, but hey who cares!!! I could have danced down the hallway except I had to put the moon boot back on, as I only had one shoe with me (and man, they are damn heavy!). Not quite sure what I am going to do about wearing shoes just yet as the thought of cramming my left foot into a shoe brings instant tears to my eyes!

So then it was come home, have some lunch and then hubby and I went Pak n Save shopping - ugh! First time in goodness knows how long, was exhausted by the end of it but we got it done. Hubby took charge, I was really there just to drive us there and pay at the check out...so its been an extremely busy day...just chilling out, updating here before I have a wee snooze before doing dinner.

Its lovely having this time off work. I was tired and in much need of a break. We've been pretty busy, what with getting ready for Christmas Day, visitors and then my mission was to get into the crap that has been sitting out the back of our place for the last two years. It was all put out there (from every nook and cranny within this small house) when we had new carpet put in, in March or April 2015, then winter hit and then breast cancer that October and of course the rest is history. This time last year I was recovering from surgeries, battling infections, in and out of hospital and just not up for sorting shit out. Hubby and I have been going thru stuff, sorting what to keep, what to get rid of and as I am trying to get rid of stuff, he is behind me saying he wants to keep it!!!! He is terrible, a much worse hoarder than me! And while it has been pretty frantic and messy, it feels bloody good to get it done. Still a load of crap there and perhaps I will need to go through it again and see if I can fine tune it a bit more.

Leading up to Christmas was very interesting. I felt very sad a lot of the time, specially when Christmas songs came on. They have always make me a bit teary eyed, but especially since losing mum and dad, and then my beloved David. I kept thinking about the first Christmas that I won't be here and how grieved the girls and hubby will be, it was awful. I felt guilty, I felt like I should have been enjoying this time with them and making the most of it but instead I was dwelling on something that is still in the future and of which I have no control over, or limited if any. It was really quite awful, but over it now.

I have decided that 2016 has been a year of coming to terms with stuff and that 2017 is the start of the rest of my life. I want to try and leave the cancer behind as much as I can. Easier said than done, I know. I mean it is part of me, but it certainly does not define who I am. Having said that though, there have been many times when I have felt the cancer has defined who I am, to a degree. But! If anything, it has made me realise that I need to start focusing on the positives and hanging out with people who mean something to me and are happy to be a part of my journey. I want to start doing things, maybe going out of my comfort zone, though I am quite nervous about it. And not too sure where to start. Perhaps just 'living' my life is a good start.

I have also decided with the help of others, that I want to start transitioning into using chemical free things. Shampoo, conditioner, soaps, clothes washing liquid, household cleaners etc. I had been thinking about it for a while, had brought some Eco Store goodies at the Home Show to try but then decided they were quite expensive to keep up with, and then my lovely friend won an Eco Store pack for me in a competition just before Christmas. I was rapt, god it was wonderful...and then my three babies all pitched in and brought me a heap of Eco Store products for Christmas. They said when they heard that my friend had won that pack for me, they were worried, but I have said no way!!! Its great, it will keep me going for a while. I love it!!! In all honesty I don't really know what good it will do. But its worth a try right? I have never bothered to check the labels on things I have brought before, driven by price only, and to a point, I still am. If I use these products just for myself, they will last longer. But when we went grocery shopping today, I was pleasantly surprised at how many Eco Store products they are now stocking. This is probably about the second or third time I have done shopping in the last 12 months. I am more than happy to give it back to my big girl when she comes home...I definitely don't miss it...

Some of my 'Eco Store' products

Thursday 29th December 2016 - 3.23pm

A better day today

I just wanted to update from my post the other night. I have been pretty low the last couple of weeks but especially this past week. Yesterday I felt much better and am happy to say hubby is on the mend, which is wonderful and we even went out last night to get a couple of things. Today is my last day at work until Monday 9th January and I am so excited! I have been back at work for just over 8 momths without a break apart from the occasional sick day, so no wonder I am ready for a bit of time off.

Thank you all for the support you have shown, whether it be reading my blog, listening to my griping, sending me lovely messages of support - it is so appreciated and may there be many more years of it yet!!!!

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas - have a wonderful day with your loved ones as none of us know what is in store and when our time will be up. The most important thing in life is spending time with those you love.

Thank you again and see you all soon xx

Christmas Eve 'Eve' 2016 - 7.08am

Christmas grinch

I don't know where to start. I am in such a foul mood, and feel like I have been all week. I don't know if it is a menopausal mood or because I am so mad at myself for standing on that damn chair and breaking bones, ending up in this goddam moon boot. My tail bone hurts pretty much constantly - the toes don't til I bang them I s'pose god forbid. I have been taking paracetamol, ibuprofin and codeine regularly but am now trying to make do without the codeine as I only have two left. I should probably ring my GP to see if she will give me another script but its just too hard. Maybe I will do it tomorrow. Either my temper or tears are simmering very close to the top on a regular basis. I either want to rip heads off or break down and sob myself stupid. I broke down three fricking times at work yesterday. It was awful...I HATE crying but it feels all too much at the moment. I am worried about how my bones will heal, will it affect the cancer in some way, have I unwittingly put a closer death sentence on myself??? Will it screw up my trip to Australia in March next year? And what about my tailbone? That really worries me. I have cancer in my lower back bone, what if I have really screwed something up there? I am scared...I am angry at myself...what a fucking dum arse thing to do, what was I even thinking? Well obviously I wasn't. I was aware that I had to be careful not to fall, it never even occurred to me the damn chair might break. And the moon boot...I am getting used to wearing it but it does stop me from doing stuff. I can't go around the shops. I tried the other night, I went shopping walking on my boot but I was bloody exhausted afterwards and I could only go to the warehouse so was limited on what I could get. Should I be using the crutches??? Probably but whats the bloody point of giving me crutches without telling me how to use the stupid things. Its slow and its tedious. No lectures please...cos I just don't need them.
I cried yesterday cos one of the ladies at work asked how I was, I broke down and cried...I composed myself and then someone else asked what was wrong...I cried again. And then the kiwisaver man rang me and I broke down on the phone talking to him.
I had got a quote done to paint the exterior of the house, it needs it and I want it done while I am alive and can enjoy it. I do not want to add to the mortgage so I tried kiwisaver, knowing I probably wouldn't get it but I have seem other mbc ladies say they got access to theirs so I figured there could be a possibility. They wanted to know the ins and outs of a ducks arse, so I gave it to them, got it signed off by a JP (my boss luckily) and sent it off. Got a phone call bout a week later to say the form I had used was an old one (it was a form I had from when I was still off work earlier this year) and had to re-do the application - fuck! So he sent me a new one and I had to have it back to him by Fri 22rd Dec. We talked and basically he said I probably would not be successful with my application as I earn too much and I am not close enough to death just yet (my words, not his) but if I could get a doctor to put something in writing, it could help my case. He said the application would go on to another person/department but he would try his best to push my application through as much as he could. I basically decided there and then it was too damn hard, I could not be bothered digging out all that info again, so I broke down while talking to him yesterday and said to scrap it...that I knew I wasn't half dead yet since that was a qualification.  I felt sorry for him, he was really polite and just doing his job but I felt sorry for me more. I did apologise but I just felt "b-r-o-k-e-n".  I have put myself together again with a few plasters but it feels like the sticky isn't very sticky so will be easy to fall off.
Christmas is a few days away and I don't have a festive bone in my body, broken or not! And that is not like me. I normally love Christmas but this year I could quite easily ignore it, tell everyone else to go to nana's while I stay home and wallow, I just cannot summon up any enthusiasm. Hubby hasn't been well either and has had an awful reaction to meds he was taking so we are in the midst of getting that sorted. I feel I have to go to his appointments with him as he gets things so fuddled, but I am worried about him too. Where does this shit end..when I'm dead?
I am now tossing up whether to go to the bank and top up the mortgage. I don't really want to but nor do I want to leave the girls a house that is in desperate need of repair. And there is already so much for hubby to do, he is only one man, doing shit on his own. Wouldn't it be nice if he had a son he could count on...yeah right!
There are a couple of silver linings though...first one is I finish work on Fri 23rd Dec and don't go back to work til Mon 9th Jan. I cannot wait until Fri afternoon, I have shit around here I want to do and to be able to sleep in. The other silver lining is I go to see the orthopaedic clinic on Thurs 29th Dec. I want to know what exactly is going on with my toes, whether I am screwing them up more by walking on the boot without the crutches and getting some proper instruction on what to do and not do. That I am excited about, not Christmas...I am sure once the day is here, I will be fine - its just the lead up to it.
I feel like a miserable old hag, but I can't help it and I don't really have anything left in the tank to do anything about it right now. I'll just wait for those silver linings and see what happens

Wednesday 21st December 2016 - 7.34pm

What have I done

What have I done? I have only gone and broken two toes on my left foot...I had brought some christmas lights and wanted to have them put up out the back by the time my baby got home from work as a surprise. She got a surprise alright but not the one I was hoping to give her. She got a surprise to hear that mum was in the ED department at the local hospital! I had been standing on wooden chairs to put these damn lights up when one just completely broke beneath me and I went down with a crash and fell backwards onto my tailbone and very luckily not hitting my head. I kind of figured straight away I had broken one toe due to the angle it was sitting at. After hours of sitting up in ED, my foot blew up like a balloon and two of my toes turned black and purple. I am now in a moon boot for the next six weeks with crutches. God what an idiot! What was one of the things I was told by the oncologist at our first appointment? "Don't put yourself in a position where you could break any bones" dum, dum, dum - I am so pissed off at myself.

Two days later, I am struggling to use these stupid crutches. It is very slow moving, I find I can get round quicker without them but then I got told off today that I am not allowing the fractures to knit together while I am putting my weight on my foot.

I had an appointment today with the breast surgeon, or one of her team I should say. It was really a waste of time. She just checked my implant and the other side where the saggy bit of skin is left from loss of implant. I told her I hate both the implant and the boobless side. She said they will do whatever they can to make me feel better about myself, whether that be to take out my existing implant or put in a new implant to replace the one I lost. I need to make a decision on what I would like. I told her even though I hate the implant, it is vanity that makes me feel I would not be able to go 'flat'. She was lovely actually and said it's not vanity at all. Breasts are like limbs, we have grown up with them and miss them when we no longer have them. There is no hurry to make this decision. The thought of going back on the table again for more surgery makes me quite nervous. Funnily enough, I don't really have a fear of getting another infection - completely different circumstances it would be this time.

Tomorrow I was supposd to have my next Zometa imfusion. I rang the oncology imfusion ward yesterday to advise them of what had happened and would it have any effect on having my infusion. For some reason, it just didn't really sit well with me that I would have this stuff coursing through my body while I had a couple of breaks in my bones. The nurse checked it out with the oncologist and luckily I rang because they decided to put it off until January. I am quite happy to not have to go. I am back at work tomorrow and after having two days off work, don't really want to have to leave the office. Auckland Hospital is also surrounded by hills so I was a bit worried about parking the car and then having to walk to the acute oncology unit.

I am bloody tired and have been since the fall. I am taking paracetamol, codeine and ibuprofin. I think it might be the codeine tiring me. The good thing about taking these drugs is that I have not been experiencing my usual aching. I was just going to start taking the paracetomol/ codeine the GP had given me in the mornings with my daily meds to see what kind of difference it would make when
this happened.

Hard to believe Christmas is less than two weeks away. I don't have a festive bone in my body at this stage. I definitely will not be going Christmas shopping with a moon boot and a pair of crutches! My two big kids went up the road last night to buy some new decorations for our tree. Both the tree and our decorations were looking a bit aad, but looks lovely with a bit of a facelift. The kids have given it a black and gold theme and I think it looks beautiful

Tuesday 13th December 2016 - 6.20pm

Grotty week

Bloody hell, what a bloody awful week this has been. I have felt very out of sorts and I don't really know why. It is probably a combination of having a super busy weekend last week, having a sick husband, late nights with a touch of hormonal crap mixed in. I normally have quite a sunny disposition, try to see the positives but I did not feel like being that way this week. I couldn't be bothered making conversation with anyone, I bit peoples heads off, I didn't give two shits about anyone...it was awful. I have been tired and really feeling the pressure of working full time, and came home Monday afternoon at 2.30pm, exhausted. So, so lucky to have a supportive work environment.

It kind of came to a head this morning. I went to my nutritionist appointment this morning and broke down and sobbed my eyes out. I am just fed up with everything. I hate the weight I have put on, I hate that I have to watch what I eat particularly sugar because it is so bad for cancer. I hate that I should be exercising because I hate exercise (once I start I am fine, its the getting going that is tough).  I hate lots of things at the moment. Its just a mood and I will get over it at some stage but its bloody exhausting in the meantime. My eyes feel so heavy and tired yet I am unable to go to sleep just yet. I hope that by writing this, it will help ease my crappy mood.

The other day at work, the song 'Maniac' came on (from Flashdance) and I just wanted to break down there and then, I had such vivid memories of David, it was almost like he was there in reach, for me to touch and I felt the loss of him quite dramatically, almost like when he first died. David loved the movie 'Flashdance', it was one of his favourites. Personally I think he loved Jennifer Beals more than the movie! And so to hear this song out of the blue and while I was in this state of mind, hit hard.  I find that David is on my mind often, not that he has ever left it, but he is always lurking there in the background. I wonder if he was aware that he was dying, I wonder if we will meet again when I die or will I just be nothing nowhere except a passing thought in others minds. And once I find out, I won't be able to come back and tell anyone, cos so far no one has been able to.

The thought of dying is confronting. The fear of it is even worse. I belong to a support network of women with mbc and it is wonderful. It is also very scary because I wonder if this is what I have to come a bit further down the track. I am so well, why do I go on about dying? Because I have a disease that will one day kill me and I don't know when. It is terrifying, but I don't want to live the rest of my life feeling like this. I want to make the most of it, but how can I when I feel so tired all the time. Why can't I forget that I have this? How lucky am I compared to those in wartorn countries where they don't even have homes, when they don't know when their next meal will be, where they don't even know if their families have survived or not...why don't I feel lucky?

I have a hospital appointment on Tuesday morning with the breast surgeon, not really sure why. I haven't seen her since around about the time I lost my implant. And then I have my next infusion / hormone injection on Wednesday.

My eyes are feeling really tired, I feel like I will be able to sleep now...

Saturday - 10th Dec 2016 - 3.06pm

Thank you for the kind thought

My baby came home last night after she had been hanging out with a friend after work, armed with a gift from her friend and her friends mum.

Thank you 'J' for your lovely thought and please pass on my thank you to your mum. It's quite humbling to receive such kindness. Big hugs xx

Monday 5/12/16 - 7.11am (oops, off to work now!)

Catching up on last few weeks

Its been a fairly quiet past few weeks, hence no posts lately. But I guess quiet is good eh...I much prefer the 'boring' humdrum of life because it means nothing out of the ordinary happening.

Its been a fairly busy weekend this one. I went to church with my sister-in-law on Friday where we were treated to a hangi and performances. It was lovely. A few people got up and spoke about their lives before asking Christ to come into their lives. At times I asked myself if I should be. Will it make this journey easier? Would I find the thought of dying easier because I would know that one day I would be meeting my maker? I don't know...obviously not there as yet if ever.

Its been quite a busy week this one. Out for dinner to a Korean restaurant on Tuesday night. It was a gift and I was able to share that gift with my mate. It was lovely and we got to meet a lovely couple who also shared this experience with us.

I have had the chance to catch up with  a few family members who live out of Auckland, which is always lovely. Never long enough, but always enjoyable and grateful they think of us.

All in all it has been a very social week and now it is Sunday evening, work again tomorrow but I can go to work feeling like I have done something besides sit at home trying to psyche up the energy to do another 40 hours of work. I take that as a positive. It means I am getting my energy levels up and enjoying getting out and about.

I have been talking the past few months about going to Australia to spend some time with my sister and family. It is now becoming real as I have applied for and received my passport and am hoping to be off this week sometime to book my tickets. No husband and no children. Just my cousin and I. We both deserve some time out and are a good support system for each other so it seems only fitting we go over together. I hope he finds it as relaxing as I will and not get bored, especially by two sisters who are yakking their heads off. The plan is to go sometime in March, once the weather has calmed down a bit but not when it is cold. Can't wait!

I have been talking to people lately about wanting to mark each birthday now as they come. I don't mean by having a party but to celebrate it in some way. As we get older, we tend to not want to admit to our age or feel wistful and wishing we were younger. Me...if there is something I have learnt is that I will be happy to make as many more birthdays as possible and get as old as possible. I will be 52 next year and proud of it! I don't want them to go too fast of course!

My hands have been aching quite a lot today, both of them which is quite unusual. Funnily enough I had to go see my GP the other day and she was asking how I am. I told her about the achiness and she told me off when she found out I don't take anything for it, unless I am really feeling it. I told her I don't want to keep taking them for fear of my body getting used to them and I want to leave it in case I end up in a lot more pain further down the track. Basically she said that is bollocks (she didn't put it like that though!) and said you don't get immune to pain meds and if my pain does get a lot worse, the pain meds will get a lot stronger so she has prescribed me something. I even admit to taking some but still very tentatively. She told me it would give me a much better quality of life...sounds bloody awful, like I'm on my last legs already!

My house has been very quiet today. Hubby is unwell and has been in bed for most of the last few days. I hate seeing him like this actually, poor bugger. Hopefully he will be better soon. My big girl is hung over, and has been in bed all day, young daughter has been working all day and her boyfriend has been out all day. So this cancer person has actually been the healthiest one here all day!!! How funny is that! I've been cleaning, washing, hanging clothes out, bringing clothes in, cooking dinner...phew! Its been a while since I've done all that and apart from an aching back (no pain meds) I have actually felt quite productive. Also quite glad I don't have to do it all the time!

Must be time for a cuppa...