I miss my old boobies...old and saggy though they were, they were a part of me. This foreign body, piece of silicone shit is not and right at this moment I detest it as well as my non-boob side. Where I lost the implant is soft, yucky, puckered up skin that sags to the side and I can feel it agaimst my arm when I stand. I guess at least when I have my bloody prosthesis bra on, it kind of holds it in place. Take the damn thing off and its like a piece of melting jelly and just flops - ugh...wish I could get a pair of scissors and cut it off (gag)
The implant side has this roll of fat from the 'boob' and going around under my arm towards my back. (Why women get these damn things cosmetically baffles me). It hurts on the scar line underneath, the implant is hard, soft and weird all at the same time. I really wish I had opted to stay flat. But vanity prevailed and now it is coming back to haunt me. I hate this...I bloody hate breast cancer...I bloody wish this hadn't happened...I bloody wish I had checked that damn lump out when I first felt it...
I'm tempted to take a photo to put up but I don't really want to be responsible for making you throw up your breakfast, lunch or dinner.
I hate that it is hard for me to lift my arms up in the air...I hate that my feet throb constantly (went around barefoot at work this morning cos so bloody sore)...I hate that my body aches and that I am like an old lady when I get up out of my chair...I hate that the joints in my hands get sore and sometimes I have to modify how I lift or hold things...
Most of all I hate that I have turned into this whinging old bitch who feels sorry for herself. Where has the sunny, happy Tania gone...bring her back! There are so many people out there going through so much worse and I am worried about having a silicone boob and sore feet. What a sook...kind of puts things into priority - until next time when I forget again.
Tuesday 27th September, 2016 - 9.16pm
Tuesday 27 September 2016
Monday 26 September 2016
Sweet Louise meeting
The Sweet Louise meeting today was great. It was a small group (7 or 8) compared to about 12 last time but we were all able to chat together as a group and chime in when you wanted to. It is so interesting to hear other womens experiences and you almost feel quite normal! Funnily enough, a couple of ladies brought up what I was grumping about last night - the loss of those that you have invested in and it doesn't get reciprocated. It was great to hear their perspective and to know that I'm not alone in those feelings.
So all in all, a really nice bunch of ladies, some of whom have been through so much but continue to see the positives in life and to make the most of it. Really uplifting!
There is going to be a couple of ladies talk on Wednesday morning about Sweet Louise, on The Cafe (?) on TV3 so I must record it. They are trying to get the word out about what they do and how they help those with incurable breast cancer. They offer support to those that need it and every year each member gets $600 worth of Sweet Louise vouchers which can be used at various places. The reason for them is so they can be used for yourself, to spoil yourself in some way. I.e. massages, family portraits, hire-a-hubby, meals delivered, movies, gardening and the list goes on. I haven't used mine yet, still deciding on how I would like to use them. Its quite hard getting your head around the fact that you have this amount to be used on yourself when everything you have always done is for your family or others in general.
So, a positive start to the week...
Thank you to my school buddy who messaged me this evening to make sure I was ok after reading my post from last night - its truly appreciated.
Monday 26th September, 2016 - 11.13pm (cripes, no wonder I get tired at work!)
So all in all, a really nice bunch of ladies, some of whom have been through so much but continue to see the positives in life and to make the most of it. Really uplifting!
There is going to be a couple of ladies talk on Wednesday morning about Sweet Louise, on The Cafe (?) on TV3 so I must record it. They are trying to get the word out about what they do and how they help those with incurable breast cancer. They offer support to those that need it and every year each member gets $600 worth of Sweet Louise vouchers which can be used at various places. The reason for them is so they can be used for yourself, to spoil yourself in some way. I.e. massages, family portraits, hire-a-hubby, meals delivered, movies, gardening and the list goes on. I haven't used mine yet, still deciding on how I would like to use them. Its quite hard getting your head around the fact that you have this amount to be used on yourself when everything you have always done is for your family or others in general.
So, a positive start to the week...
Thank you to my school buddy who messaged me this evening to make sure I was ok after reading my post from last night - its truly appreciated.
Why do I...
Why do I continue to grieve for lost friendships? Why can I not put them behind me and get on with it? Thats not quite true, of course I have got on with 'it' but every so often, I stop and wonder what happened, but most of all, I wonder why haven't they contacted me to say they are sorry to hear about what has happened. And then there are those that you thought you were close to, but they don't even bother making contact to simply ask 'how you doing'. And as much as I try to forget it and wipe it out of my mind, it keeps creeping back in. My girls often say to me 'you don't need them mum, you have other friends' and I know they are right. But I can't help but feel hurt. I want to shout out to the world, 'if you can't be bothered with me when I'm alive, don't bother coming to my funeral - I won't need you when I'm dead...' Is that awful? Am I being self centred? God, I go on so much about how people nowadays are self centred and are so wrapped up in their own world, they can't spare a thought for anyone else. Maybe I am turning into one myself...oh cripes please, if that is how you see me, let me know, give me a shake up. I am counting on you.
Okay, okay, bitchy moment over - hopefully this will get it out of my system. Gotta stop feeling sorry for myself.
Its after midnight, actually its almost 1.00am and I still have to get up in the morning for Sweet Louise meeting before going to work for the rest of the day. Better get some sleep...
Monday 26th Sept 2016 - 12.59am
Okay, okay, bitchy moment over - hopefully this will get it out of my system. Gotta stop feeling sorry for myself.
Its after midnight, actually its almost 1.00am and I still have to get up in the morning for Sweet Louise meeting before going to work for the rest of the day. Better get some sleep...
Monday 26th Sept 2016 - 12.59am
Saturday 24 September 2016
A busy week
It has been a busy week since my last post:
Last Sunday I had a visit from a family friend whom I have known all my life. Our families were always intertwined with each other when we were younger, but as we have gotten older, we have all gone our separate ways and seldom see each other now. With the help of face book we are able to stay in some kind of contact. It was wonderful to see this lovely lady again as I haven't seen her for a number of years. We had a good catch up but emotion caught up with me, and I broke down in tears. God, I hate crying, and I especially hate crying in front of others. I see it as such a weakness, not in others, but in myself. (I don't know why I am so hard on myself)
Monday was my older daughters birthday - turning 20! It was a quiet night but she had been out with her mate during the day and her sister took her out to get a piercing and she had drinkies around home last Saturday with a couple of her mates. I now have a year to put some money away for her 21st. I wish her dad could see her - she is such a beautiful young lady, beautiful on the inside as well as on the outside. He would be so proud of her - of both his girls. I can see him so clearly in my mind, calling out to the girls and having a joke with them. His voice is so vivid, its almost like he is talking inside my head. His laughter was something else, guaranteed to make the staunchest person crack a smile.
Tuesday night I attended a BC support group meeting. It was a wet and miserable night so there was only a handful of us but I found it really interesting. Everyone had their turn to talk about their diagnosis and treatment, and how they felt, how they coped - whatever they wanted to share really. It was interesting to hear what the other ladies had to say. No two stories were the same. I broke down when I was talking, mainly when talking about having to tell the girls and seeing them get upset and worrying about them and how they were going to cope with all of this. No matter how much I think I have my head around it, it still hits me every so often. I find though that when I talk extensively about it, lots of feelings come flooding into my mind. When I got up on Wednesday morning, I was quite angry and had a wee bit of a rage in my head about how unfair this is but as usual once I got to work, I was fine as I have other things to focus on - thank goodness. It is hard to put into words how I feel being able to talk to other women who have had breast cancer. They know how you feel, they know the shock of being told you have this awful disease, and they know the crap that goes with it. The love and support of family and friends is priceless but to talk to others in the know is something else.
Wednesday, I had my Zometa infusion (bone strengthening) and Zoladex (hormone shot). All went well. A close friend came to pick me up and take me which was lovely. She was supposed to come in with me, but because parking is so crap at Auckland Hospital, she ended up dropping me off and had to park at the domain (close to the museum) and so I had to text her when I was ready to be picked up. It kind of defeated the purpose as we were hoping to catch up, but we managed to squeeze in a quick cuppa before dropping me back to work but the gesture of taking me was appreciated. As for my appointment - no major issues with finding a vein, though they went straight to putting my hand in a bucket of 'hot' water. I guess they have been through this many, many times before. Even my hormone shot was ok. Last months hurt like hell and I had an awful bruise for about two weeks afterwards. But I must have put the right amount of numbing cream on and at the right time, or maybe it was the nurse who did the shot, but either way, I was impressed!
And today, I have been able to spend some time with my friend whom I no longer work with. We worked and lunched together for almost 11 years so it is wonderful when we get to spend time together. I find lunch times at work quite tough now as I miss her. We have shared so much about our lives but like everything, things change and you just get swept up in it.
So after an extremely busy week, I have had the chance to chill out and pysch myself up for another week of work. Not quite so much going on, but my week begins on Monday with my second Sweet Louise meeting which I look forward to.
Saturday 24th September, 2016 - 7.47pm
Last Sunday I had a visit from a family friend whom I have known all my life. Our families were always intertwined with each other when we were younger, but as we have gotten older, we have all gone our separate ways and seldom see each other now. With the help of face book we are able to stay in some kind of contact. It was wonderful to see this lovely lady again as I haven't seen her for a number of years. We had a good catch up but emotion caught up with me, and I broke down in tears. God, I hate crying, and I especially hate crying in front of others. I see it as such a weakness, not in others, but in myself. (I don't know why I am so hard on myself)
Monday was my older daughters birthday - turning 20! It was a quiet night but she had been out with her mate during the day and her sister took her out to get a piercing and she had drinkies around home last Saturday with a couple of her mates. I now have a year to put some money away for her 21st. I wish her dad could see her - she is such a beautiful young lady, beautiful on the inside as well as on the outside. He would be so proud of her - of both his girls. I can see him so clearly in my mind, calling out to the girls and having a joke with them. His voice is so vivid, its almost like he is talking inside my head. His laughter was something else, guaranteed to make the staunchest person crack a smile.
Tuesday night I attended a BC support group meeting. It was a wet and miserable night so there was only a handful of us but I found it really interesting. Everyone had their turn to talk about their diagnosis and treatment, and how they felt, how they coped - whatever they wanted to share really. It was interesting to hear what the other ladies had to say. No two stories were the same. I broke down when I was talking, mainly when talking about having to tell the girls and seeing them get upset and worrying about them and how they were going to cope with all of this. No matter how much I think I have my head around it, it still hits me every so often. I find though that when I talk extensively about it, lots of feelings come flooding into my mind. When I got up on Wednesday morning, I was quite angry and had a wee bit of a rage in my head about how unfair this is but as usual once I got to work, I was fine as I have other things to focus on - thank goodness. It is hard to put into words how I feel being able to talk to other women who have had breast cancer. They know how you feel, they know the shock of being told you have this awful disease, and they know the crap that goes with it. The love and support of family and friends is priceless but to talk to others in the know is something else.
Wednesday, I had my Zometa infusion (bone strengthening) and Zoladex (hormone shot). All went well. A close friend came to pick me up and take me which was lovely. She was supposed to come in with me, but because parking is so crap at Auckland Hospital, she ended up dropping me off and had to park at the domain (close to the museum) and so I had to text her when I was ready to be picked up. It kind of defeated the purpose as we were hoping to catch up, but we managed to squeeze in a quick cuppa before dropping me back to work but the gesture of taking me was appreciated. As for my appointment - no major issues with finding a vein, though they went straight to putting my hand in a bucket of 'hot' water. I guess they have been through this many, many times before. Even my hormone shot was ok. Last months hurt like hell and I had an awful bruise for about two weeks afterwards. But I must have put the right amount of numbing cream on and at the right time, or maybe it was the nurse who did the shot, but either way, I was impressed!
Thursday I went out for lunch and inwardly panicked as the time went by, but as I was not the driver, and considering the company I was in, went with the flow. It was lovely to catch up with them though.
Thursday evening I went out for dinner with a couple of my workmates. These ladies are two of a small handful from work who have constantly been there for me, always making time for me, and are great company as they are always smiling and laughing, and are guaranteed to turn a glum mood into a happy one. We had a lovely time doing exactly that...lots of laughing!
Friday night was my baby girls last school Ball and she looked amazing! She'd had her hair braided earlier on in the week and I was not struck by them in the least but when I saw her dressed ready to go, she looked simply beautiful. I think I was struck speechless at first trying to think of a word that she reminded me of and her big sister said it...that she looked like an Egyptian - my Egyptian Princess...
So after an extremely busy week, I have had the chance to chill out and pysch myself up for another week of work. Not quite so much going on, but my week begins on Monday with my second Sweet Louise meeting which I look forward to.
Saturday 24th September, 2016 - 7.47pm
Saturday 17 September 2016
A shared journey
A diagnosis of cancer is not a journey taken alone. It is shared by those that surround us and love us. The journey may take different paths but the end destination is the same...fear and strength. Our loved ones are the ones who will see the change in us, who will have to cope with our moods, our rants about how nobody cares and sometimes I think that is the worst place place of all to be. Our loved ones will be the ones who have to pick up and carry on after we have gone. To deal with the devastation of the loss. I worry about my daughters, my husband and my sister. I don't mean to sound pessimistic and I know I have lots of positives and I have been told I could live for years, but the truth of the matter is that one day I will die from this damn breast cancer (unless something else gets me first). The meds I will be on will one day stop working and the cancer will spread to my organs and I will die. I am simply being honest.
People say to me "your going to be around for years" but how do you know that? Saying stuff like that to me does not help me, it frustrates me. I am a no nonsense kind of person, Perhaps by being so factual is how I deal with this. I try not to overthink things, but when it is time to have another CT and bone scan done, I am scared the oncologist will tell me the cancer has shifted. And then I try to put it out of my mind, because what is the point of worrying about something until you have something to worry about.
But enough! Today I am alive and well. I am enjoying having a Saturday morning lie in, its drizzling outside and I am off to have dinner tonight with my cousin and family. It has become a regular occurance and one that we both benefit from. His wife died of metastatic breast cancer in March and for many years they both were 'there' constantly for my sister and myself and our families. Now it is my turn to be 'there' for him, and I know he worries about me.
I spoke to my sister last night, she lives in Australia. I miss her dearly and often wish she was here with me. This blog is a way of her being able to keep her up to date on what is happening and how I am feeling. This journey is her journey too and I know it it tough on her and her family by being so far away. I know Australia isn't far away from us here in NZ, but it isn't just a case of being able to jump in the car and pop over for a cuppa, or to come to appointments with me. Her daughters, my nieces are an extension to my own daughters. They message me from time to time just to remind me how much they love their aunty and to say stay "strong". Those girls will never know just how much their messages are appreciated.
In the meantime, I have amazing support from those around me. Family, friends and workmates. Workmates who have become so much more, whom I now class as friends. They see me everyday at work, know my moods or if I am feeling achy and just not my usual sunny self, take the time to say "hey, how you doing" or have a joke to make me laugh.
One of those lovely ladies surprised me yesterday as I was getting ready to leave work...such a lovely gesture. Thank you my beautiful friend...
People say to me "your going to be around for years" but how do you know that? Saying stuff like that to me does not help me, it frustrates me. I am a no nonsense kind of person, Perhaps by being so factual is how I deal with this. I try not to overthink things, but when it is time to have another CT and bone scan done, I am scared the oncologist will tell me the cancer has shifted. And then I try to put it out of my mind, because what is the point of worrying about something until you have something to worry about.
But enough! Today I am alive and well. I am enjoying having a Saturday morning lie in, its drizzling outside and I am off to have dinner tonight with my cousin and family. It has become a regular occurance and one that we both benefit from. His wife died of metastatic breast cancer in March and for many years they both were 'there' constantly for my sister and myself and our families. Now it is my turn to be 'there' for him, and I know he worries about me.
I spoke to my sister last night, she lives in Australia. I miss her dearly and often wish she was here with me. This blog is a way of her being able to keep her up to date on what is happening and how I am feeling. This journey is her journey too and I know it it tough on her and her family by being so far away. I know Australia isn't far away from us here in NZ, but it isn't just a case of being able to jump in the car and pop over for a cuppa, or to come to appointments with me. Her daughters, my nieces are an extension to my own daughters. They message me from time to time just to remind me how much they love their aunty and to say stay "strong". Those girls will never know just how much their messages are appreciated.
In the meantime, I have amazing support from those around me. Family, friends and workmates. Workmates who have become so much more, whom I now class as friends. They see me everyday at work, know my moods or if I am feeling achy and just not my usual sunny self, take the time to say "hey, how you doing" or have a joke to make me laugh.
One of those lovely ladies surprised me yesterday as I was getting ready to leave work...such a lovely gesture. Thank you my beautiful friend...
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| My lovely surprise. They are beautiful - thank you xx Just a thought before I go make a cuppa - take a moment to send someone a message to say "hey, how are you". It is such a small gesture but I am sure it will be greatly appreciated. I know I do... 
Saturday 17th September, 2016 - 11.20am
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Wednesday 7 September 2016
My first true love...
Our girls were 4 years old and 2 years old when he died.
How unfair has life been to them so far...firstly their daddy dies (coping with their grief as well as mine was heart wrenching to say the least) and now at the ages of almost 20 and 17, their mum has incurable / metastatic breast cancer.
I hope I live long into their adulthood and even perhaps with families of their own. They need me...more to the point, I need them. They are the reason I was put on this earth. As much as I have wanted to see their father again, I am not ready just yet.
7/9/16 - 9.48pm
A mix
Just an update on what has been going on since publishing my last post. No appointments or infusions as yet. Next one isn't for another couple of weeks and then my next oncology appointment will be in October, every three months for now.
All is going well, except in the weekend I was in an absolutely foul mood. I don't even know what set it off as I had been fine at work and then when I walked in the door at home, hubby was cooking dinner - mince on toast. He is not the flashest of cooks (neither am I) but I am a little over mince on toast, chop suey and sausages but I try to be grateful because it is one less thing I have to do. But I remember walking in the door and he said to me "mince on toast hon" and I made some non committal reply but in my head I was raging "WHERES MY VEGES!!!!!! WHERES MY VEGES!!!!" I was like a raving lunatic (in my head, trying not to explode and taking it out on everyone) and that set the tone for most of the weekend. I guess you can tell by that, that I love my vegetables and if I don't have them for a few nights I miss them like crazy. Anyhow Hubby buggered off out to darts and that pissed me off because he doesn't work and he has a social life, I work 40 hours and had nowhere to go! Not that I even wanted to go anywhere, I was too damn tired, but I think even that pissed me off. It homestly was awful. My poor older daughter (almost 20) had to listen to me while I was walking around the house yelling "I'M BORED, I'M HUNGRY, I WANT SOMETHING SWEET TO EAT" I laugh about it now but at the time, mental, absolutely mental...I finally had to just go to bed and make myself go to sleep. Saturday morning I woke up feeling a bit better but it didn't take long for my mood to deteriorate. Hubby was off to darts again, just me and older daughter at home. I sat on my backside all weekend and didn't do a damn thing. Luckily by Sunday I got over it, just in time for Fathers Day. I managed to keep a lid on my crappy mood cos I don't like taking it out on the others, its not their fault. The oncologist had warned me right from the word go, that the meds I am on are throwing me right into menopause and I will get hot flushes and terrible mood swings amongst other things. No hot flushes to date, and only the occasional mood swing. I honestly felt like I wanted to rip everyone's heads off. So relieved when it was over 😳😔
Such a contrast to earlier on in the week, where I went to a local bowling club with three mates to take part in a quiz night. It was so much fun, it was a cheap night(I was the sober driver) and we had lots of laughs. I was exhausted by the time I got home though, just after 11pm, which is super late for me. My alarm goes off at 5.30 in the mornings and I get up at 5.45 to get ready for work, so think there were lots of yawns the next day at work.
Someone from Sweet Louise was on the Breakfast Show the other morning. They are celebrating their tenth anniversary and want to highlight awareness of 'uncurable' breast cancer. It was really interesting to watch and it wasn't on for long but it brought tears to my eyes. Just when you think you have your head around it all, a mention of breast cancer, or hearing of someone new being diagnosed with it, or seeing it in a TV programme hits you straight in the heart. I think for me hearing the Sweet Louise lady talk about 'incurable' breast cancer hit me. 'Incurable'...sounds a lot better than 'terminal' at least. But then I toddled off to work, where my attention was turned to other things. Work is great for that, it gives me a sense of normality and in a lot of respects my life is quite normal. Sometimes I feel a bit of a fraud tho. Don't the real deal breast cancer patients have chemo and / or radiotherapy? I've had neither. What does that make me? Lucky perhaps...lucky that I have other options for now and they seem to be working. You have to look at the positives in life and to date I have lots of them. Be grateful for what you have.
I have days where I am so damn tired. Yesterday I struggled at work from about 2.00pm, it always seems to be around that time. But I was determined to stay until my finish time of 4.30pm. I had to go outside and get some frsh air, hoping that would wake me up a little. But I don't understand why I continue to be so tired. I thought maybe it was the zometa taking a while to get out of my body but I read the side effects and they reckon you shouldn't be experiencing ongoing side effects. And then I read about cancer tiredness, but that usually pertains to those who have had chemo and / or radiotherapy. Like I said earlier, I have had neither. Is it still the effects from having had those five surgeries, from 19 Nov 15 to end of Feb 16. 5 surgeries in 3.5 months, guess it is a little excessive. Last night I was in bed and asleep by 9pm and I coped quite well at work today. When I first started back at work in April, I used to always be asleep by 9pm but as time has gone by, I am staying up til about 10.30pm. Looks like that needs to change...
Anyhow, I am quite parched, it must be time for a cuppa and a bickie, so I will leave it there for now.
If anyone can shed any light on why they think I may be suffering from tiredness, I would be grateful. It is very frustrating, and I have to constantly remind myself that maybe my body just needs some downtime and thats all there is to it.
Thank you for reading...take care xx
7/9/16 - 7.45pm
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