What is wrong with me? Why am I like this? I am so self centred, self pitying and self absorbed. What is the common denominator of all these words? Self - me, me, me!!!! My last post I was having a shit fit because I felt like no one gives a shit about me, no thats not true. I know people do, of course I do, but why am I left alone so much of the time? Its not because people don’t think about me, its because everyone has a life but I don’t!!!! But I am just so damn resentful and here is a prime example:
Today as work, my 15 year anniversary was officially ‘recognised’ and I was presented with a certificate and a gift of my choosing from the big boss. At the end when I went back to my desk, two people came and gave me a big hug, and another person sent me a message. All three people are my work buddies whom I have formed friendships with outside of work...no one else bothered, sorry, one other person acknowledged my achievement. Three people out of 14 or 15 in the office acknowledged me...any one else, they would be all over them like a rash, hugs and so on. Am I upset? Yeh I am...its just another show of how much less I am thought of. Yet I always think I am friendly at work, have a laugh with people, ask how their families are, ask how they are because I am genuinely interested but it just never seems reciprocated. Well at this moment, I just think fuck them! I’m not going to bother anymore...but see this is my issue...why am I like this? Why can’t I be satisfied with the 4 people who actually took the time to see me this morning...I appreciate them completely, why can’t I revel in those people and forget the other 10 or so...why am I so selfish and self pitying all the time? I feel like for years I have always given so much to others but as I realised it wasn’t getting returned (by those people), I have become so resentful and angry. I feel like I have this huge hole inside of me...Is it in my heart? Or is it the whole of me. I have said before that I feel like a shell of my former self - I feel so empty inside and what is there, I don’t like. I actually don’t know what to do...I don’t feel like I need counselling, maybe I need to start doing some positive affirmations or something, I don’t know. I feel like such a jeckyll and hyde.
What is wrong with me? I actually don’t know what to do...and I hate myself for being like this. I’m not a very nice person. People (some) think I am, I must be good at fooling them...who am I? Will the real Tania please show herself? And soon...
Monday 29th April 2019 - 9.48pm
Awww Tania It makes me so sad to hear the way you have been feeling lately! I'm not going to pretend I know how you're feeling or what you're going through but I just wonder if everyone just doesn't know what to say to you? I know Josh went through the same sort of thing wondering where all his mates had gone as hardly any of them came to visit him and as time went on he got quite resentful of them for not coming to see him. I had a talk to my nephew who was a good friend of Josh's and one of the ones that never came to visit, he said he couldn't come to see him as he was afraid that he would break down and wouldn't know what to say! I got a little angry at that 'excuse' but the more I thought about it the more I understood it but he should have known Josh well enough to know that he would have done all the talking hehe!! But I do get what your saying and I know that I am one of the guilty one's that haven' been to see you. I want to come but don't want to interrupt your precious family time or if your not feeling too great on the day but we have been in touch re: our crochet day! Just let me know when you want to do it and I'll be there cos I am so looking forward to it! I will txt you as soon as my car is back on the road! xxx
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