Easter break 2019

I decided to take a few days off work after Easter, as ANZAC Day was incorporated in amongst them, so by using two days annual leave, I had a ten day break! I was so excited at the thought of a break away from work, probably going away up north for about 5 days...on my own unfortunately but I ended not going. The drive is about 3.5 hours and while that was nothing to me a few years ago is now just too much for me. I’ve done the drive a few times but for the last hour or so, I just want to pull over wishing the journey was at an end and my destination just around the corner and so my heart is filled with dread before I even leave home. What had started out as a home away from home, reality very quickly made its presence felt and so it won’t be that way at all...I’ve had a very quiet time in deed, almost to the point of horrendous boredom, mixed in with not actually knowing what I want. I’ve done three things thankfully which I really wanted to, one was go to GP for a check up, get more meds etc and the other two was to catch up with my very good, constant friends - who both came here to see me. Both visits were lovely, picking up like we’ve never been apart. Thats the nature of both these friendships and both are where I can absolutely be myself and say exactly what is bothering me without feeling self conscious about it. 

I don’t really know what is going on with me at the moment. My pain is quite minimal, the nausea still pops up from time to time as does the aches although not so often. But I am so restless. I am bored with everything, reading, watching TV, playing games on the Ipad, facebook, crocheting, everything. Even my tastebuds have gone up the wazoo. I am sick of drinking my usual cups of tea, coffee with cream, water, juice - nothing appeals. I get hungry but have no idea what to have, its bloody awful. I questioned the GP about it, he said it can be a long term side effect of the exemestane - great! So for all of my holiday, I have roamed listlessly from one room to the other, picking up the ipad, trying to do a bit of crocheting but in reality I just want to scream and rip my hair out. I want to go out, I don’t want to go out, I have nowhere to go, have no idea who to go visit, maybe just wander around the shops, but just can’t muster up any enthusiasm. The days are ticking by and before I know it, it’ll be time to go back to work and I don’t want to! What do I want to do? Stay home and be bored out of my brains for another week? I need to find another hobby, but can’t think of anything. 

And then my mind starts ticking over...I often refer to all the friends and family I have that love me...but sometimes I wonder why do I say that? To whom am I referring? Because it feels like I have no one. All these supposed people who love me, but whom I never hear from or see. I feel so alone, its an awful thing. I know I have lots of people who ‘care’ about me but all these people have their own lives and get tied up in their own lives. Its like I am a final thought. I am so over people saying they’ll come for a visit or for a cuppa and never do. Its like I am the one who has to push it to happen and that is because I am genuinely excited at the thought of  catching up and seeing someone. I don’t mind going to them, it gets me out of the house, I definitely don’t mind people coming to mine but I refuse to chase these people now. If you say something, then do it. If you don’t mean it, or I’m not much of a priority, then don’t get my hopes up. I feel like I could count the people who really bother to make time for me, on one hand. Am I being selfish? Are my expectations of people too high? I know that people have their own lives, their own families and that life in general is busy but I also know what will happen. While I am well, people figure they have plenty of time to catch up with me and say they will do it at some stage ‘soon’. But when the call goes out to say my time is almost up, I’ll be inundated with visitors, everyone racing around to see the dying person one last time, to appease their guilt. Its not a visit for me, its for themself and I hate that! Make the most of me while I am well, not once I’m on my last legs. Chances are I’ll be so tired and I’ll just want to spend that time with John and the girls - the ones who are always here with me, who go through this with me every day. Am I resentful? You bet your fucking ass I am! I resent people who expect me to know that they love me, that they think of me. Well you know what...I don’t! I have no idea when someone is thinking of me...of course I know that there are those that love me but its always nice to be told or to be reminded. I resent that everyone else has a fun life and goes out to enjoy it, while I am stuck at home - bored...making sure I have enough sleep so I am able to manage a few measley hours at work per day so the stupid bills still get paid, making sure I take my meds regularly so I can stay on top of my pain as much as I can, trying to make sure I keep on a happy face because people expect it and can’t handle when I’m not my usual chirpy self. I am sick of being what everyone else expects, all these expectations of me and yet I feel a bit guilty because I feel I am wrong to expect people to think of me and make time for me. Do you see something wrong with this picture?

I feel so lonely...I hate admitting it. I don’t have the oomph to go out and about like I used to. I love going for drives, but I hate driving myself. My life is being taken over by this damn dreaded disease, changing everything about me, my tolerance, my personality but there are still glimmers of the old me from time to time.  I have a couple of rendevous’ coming up, one at the beginning of May and one at the end of May - I am so excited!!!!! The thought of both of these keep me going and give me something to look forward to.  Thank goodness!!!! Otherwise I think I could honestly say that I hate life right now...I don’t care how ungrateful I sound, I’m sick of trying to see the bright side of things, I’m sick of worrying that this blog is too dark for people to read - I am so bloody well fed up! 

Thursday 25th April - ANZAC Day - 10.06pm