Loss of a metavivor sister

Shit, shit, shit & double shit again! I went onto facebook earlier this evening only to see a post come up on our metavivors page (metavivors are those of us with metastatic breast cancer - terminal, advanced, incurable). It was a post from a son of one of the ladies, to say his mum had passed away at 2.00am today. Lesley was one of the few ladies whom I really connected with, and we had got together a few times for dinner. We had lost touch due to me hiding away from everyone, but recently reconnected again, when she was telling everyone she had stopped all treatments for a better quality of life for the last few minths of her life 😔 Its so hard comprehending she has gone, that this bullshit disease has taken yet another person. So many of the metavivors have died these past months, I try not to take it onboard too much, but this one, hearing of Lesleys passing has really shaken me. It reminds me how good you can be one moment and then the next, your life is slipping away from you. While I was sitting in oncology awaiting my appointment, Lesley had died, another family devastated. I’m not making any more connections with anyone from that page. I kind of stepped away from it anyhow because I couldn’t cope reading all the bad stuff, I felt I had enough on my own plate. How can you make friends with people and then know they are all going to die one by one, one after the other. Whats wrong with me? All the others can do it, but I just can’t. I don’t want to. Maybe thats why I have lost the friends I have, because they can’t cope with the thought of lsing me to death, so instead they leave me in life. Doesn’t really make sense does it.

To change the subject slightly, my appointment went well. The oncologist says the nausea is most likely from the constipation which is from the oxy meds. She will talk to Reuben Broom (head of the team I belong to) about sending me for another CT scan. I told her about my concerns that maybe the cancer had moved to my gut (because of the nausea) but interestingly enough she said, it would have moved to the brain...so next CT scan they will check my head out just to be on the safe side but she doesn’t expect to find anything. I was quite impressed though that she took what I said on board. Blood tests were good, have put a few kilos on which I fully expected due to all the crap I can’t stop feeding on! Treatment went well, took a while to find a vein as per usual. She tried in the knuckle of my index finger which is usually the go to, when all else fails but there was none of that today. Instead found one by knuckle above my wedding & engagement rings. Both spots feeling slightly tender tonight.

My mind keeps going back to Lesley, knowing her body no longer has life in it, she is still and chilled down to an unimaginable temperature. Poor Lesley...or maybe she is the lucky one. No! How can you be lucky to have spent years of your life trying to make a bearable life for yourself, cope with the never ending aches and pains, dealing with the tiredness, having to give up your independance by giving up work, not being able to do your own housework...end up in a place where the cancer eats away at your insides, until your body can’t take it any more. 

Rest In Peace Dear Lesley - may your family be wrapped in lots of love, and may your next journey wherever it may be to, be one of peace and beauty.  Although I only knew a very small part of you, my heart is saddened for you.

Monday 8th April 2019 - 8.33pm