I’ve put an end to taking orders for my crocheting. I had completely lost any enjoyment I was getting out of it, too much pressure I was putting on myself and timing of getting blankets completed. I have heaps of wool here but the orders I was taking wasn’t using any of that wool. So now, I have decided to go back to the start and make blankets like I used to, using the wool I already have here. I’ll put them on my page to sell and if they don’t, then I’ll give them away as care packages like I used to. I’ve already completed one blanket using a few skeins of yarn I’ve had sitting around for a while. I feel free to do what I want once again. I mean its been a wonderful experience, but I think instead of making to order, perhaps people will buy what I have already made. Its been a pleasure completing orders for people without a doubt and hopefully maybe I can go back to it in a few months or so.
My pain continues to be very minimal and its great. I still keep up with the pain meds, but sometimes I am only having to top up with paracetamol instead of oxynorm, which is great. I’ve got an oncology appointment followed by treatment in the morning. I’ll talk to the oncologist about the nausea I experience. That too seems to have simmered down considerably. Mostly mornings now, whereas recently it was hitting me any time of the day. Maybe it has something to do with the pain, who knows. Most probably the doctors can’t tell me either. Perhaps I can get sent for another CT scan. Cripes, I hope I never have to have another MRI. I have never forgotten how terrifying it was, I had to work so hard at keeping
myself calm and not have an all mighty panic attack.
I’ve actually had a really great week at work. I worked all 4 days although I think I went home earlyish each day. It looks like I am unable to get past 2.30pm each day. I am definitely more productive in the morning than after lunch. Or the fatigue just hits me all of a sudden. I read a really good article about what cancer sufferers have to deal with. It was brilliant! It hit so many things on the head for me personally anyhow. I’ll see if I can post the link here somewhere. But I was able to stay awake, get projects completed, I almost felt like my old self. Its weird how quickly I have changed, how I’ve gone from working to full time, to working one day less, now even that is too much. I have trouble handling a six hour day. Thank goodness I have such a supportive workplace.
I felt really tearful on Thursday when I was leaving, had an overwhelming urge to break down and cry. It was because I was
feeling guilty about having to finish work early again and someone
had wanted something done reasonably urgently. You can’t really
spring things on me all of a sudden now, when I hit that state of exhaustion, I’m no good to anyone. Anyhow, I was upset at myself, fed up with the whole cancer thing. I usually use the blog when I am upset like that, but this time I wanted everyone I knew, to know how fragile I was feeling, so I wrote a post about my vulnerability. My big girl was on the end of my bed while I was doing it, and I promptly burst into tears and sobbed and sobbed. She kept asking me what was wrong but I couldn’t get the words out, so I showed her my post. She just snuggled uo to me and held my hand until I was able to finally get myself under control. God, I hate doing that to my kids but I guess they need to know that mum isn’t always tough and strongall the time. I have no idea how many people read this, but I wanted to make an impact and I know there are many who don’t read this (and thats good as gold). I felt a bit embarrassed a bit later on and almost deleted it, but actually I’m glad I didn’t. People always say how strong I am...but I’m not. I have no choicebut to get uo each day and carry on. And I don’t
want to do it with a sour look on my face, at least not every day!
This is the post:
Feeling a little emotional this afternoon. Its so hard navigating your way through the path of terminal cancer. I’ve gone from being a strong, independent woman to what feels like a shell of myself. Cut work hours from 40 to 32 a week & its not enough. I’m lucky if I can last 8.30am to 2.30pm, 4 days a week. I hate it, I struggle emotionally when I have to give in & cut my losses & leave for the day - I struggle with the guilt altho my bosses are wonderful & support me unconditionally. I feel like the cancer is eating away at me...although it hasn’t actually moved any further throughout my body. Who am I? Sometimes I don’t know.
This saying says it all for me right now...😢
Followed by this (which is actually what really set me off)
Thank you everyone for all your well wishes etc. I felt a bit embarrassed after I posted that message but I get sick & tired of people seeing me as strong all the time, because I’m not. Unless you read my blog, you don’t get to see my vulnerable side and I wanted to shout it out for all to see yesterday. Today, I am glad I did it...Its tough going from such a strong, independent person and seeing yourself become half that person...its hard and I don’t like it. I’m not deliberately being hard on myself, I am simply struggling with the changes. But thank goodness for all of you, but mostly for my wonderful husband and our beautiful girls. Poor Kel, I sobbed uncontrollably on her shoulder last night (usually Grace cops it) but she just snuggled into her mama and held my hand til I was able to control myself.
Thanks everyone, today is a new day. Much love & hugs to you all 🙂❤️xx
And I did feel much better the next day, yet another busy, productive weekend with a bery chilled out day today. And so a new week starts tomorrow and may it be a good one for us all...
Sunday 7th April 2019 - 9.15pm
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