Rest day today

5.30am - alarm goes off
5.40am - still trying to haul ass out of bed - body feeling very tired and heavy
5.43am - have shower, dry off and put pj’s back on
6.00am - hop back into bed - wondering if I am able to push passed this
6.41am - playing games on iPad awaiting respectable time to advise supervisor

I often wake up feeling tired or achy or don’t feel like going to work (not just since cancer diagnosis!) but usually once I am up and in the shower those feelings dissapate and I am good to get on with the day.  But this morning I’m just not feeling it at all. I don’t feel unwell, I don’t feel tired like I haven’t had enough sleep (although I am sure I will nod off quite easily) - my body simply feels heavy and feels like it needs rest. The thought of having to sit up in an office chair for hours and function in a worklike capacity - don’t think I have it in me today. Sometimes I forget I should be limiting how much I do, just so I’m able to get through a full week of work.

This last weekend was busy, both days. In hindsight too busy but because I felt good, was able to cope with it at the time. But thats it isn’t it...it hits me a little later and then mixed in with a few late-ish nights (haven’t been able to go to sleep early this week)  it becomes too much for my body to handle and I hit a brick wall - albeit, an invisible one. I can’t even summon up any enthusiasm for a cup of tea - anyone who knows me well will know just how unusual that is.

With Christmas almost upon us, what are we? 24 days away...there is a lot going on. Lunches, dinners, parties, drinkies...I am exhausted just thinking about it. I have a busy weekend coming up, and I am tempted to put off going to Saturdays lunch. I’ll see how I feel tomorrow when I am back at work. A rest day today may be all I need. Its days like today I have had to learn to accept and not punish myself for needing them. Although sometimes I am inclined to forget (briefly) that I have cancer and while I am keeping really well, it has to manifest in some way. So knowing and accepting I need today as a rest day is huge. Made much much bigger by the fact I don’t feel guilty about it. HUGE strides for me...

Afternoon: what I do struggle with, is that due to circumstances, this is now part of my life and I have to think about it and I dispise it. Do you ever come to terms with it? And all that it entails? Maybe the phrase coming to terms isn’t correct...maybe I should say ‘acceptance’. I accept this is how I need to think - accept I need downtime at various times because my body is working hard to keep itself well and so I need to do my bit to help. Don’t stop living life but allow some time to rejuvenate. I don’t know that acceptance is the right term either. What I do know is that I hate having to do this...I hate that circumstances with my health means I have limitations. Combined with being older, carrying too much weight...is it even the cancer that does this to me? Or is it simply a convenient excuse to use? In all honesty, I don’t really know. I do know though that the levels of tiredness have definitely increased. They can be completely overwhelming and I definitely struggle at times to cope. At those times I wonder if this is how an elderly lady in her 80’s or 90’s must feel. While my girls think I am an old lady, I’m still relatively young. Early 50’s is not old yet I feel it. I feel old and frumpy...

I’m glad I have taken this day for myself. I watched some recorded programs on TV earlier this morning but have spent the majorityof the day lying down in bed. Had a wee sleep, not too long but enough to take the edge off. I will be ready to face the world again tomorrow. Oops eyes are starting to feel droopy again. Might squeeze in another nap before its time to get up and cook dinner although its still early.

Thursday 30th November 2017 - 2.41pm