Wow, what a week. Actually, what a month! For someone who says she doesn’t go out much or likes to make sure she has down time, to be able to get through another week of work, I sure as hell haven’t lately! There has been catch up’s with people, lunches, dinners, parties and such like...to the point where I pretty much came down with a crash tonight. Presently, its about 9.40pm and I have had to fight with myself to wake up to go for a wee, that was about 9.00-ish. I even left work just after 4pm, I couldn’t even manage that last half hour, I had had it! I came home, had a snack of cheese and crackers and promptly crashed out in front of the TV bout 5.30...woke up enough to drag myself up to bed, quickly throwing my jimmie jams on and jumping into bed. Had a quick game on the iPad and promptly crashed out again! Thse blimmin eyeballs would not cooperate and stay open. They definitely had a mind of their own...I am now sitting up in bed with the wee fan blowing on me...hubby and big girl gone up the road to get some KFC for dinner.
Its heading towards the last week of work before Christmas. I was set to have a bery busy weekend this weekend but have had to put off my Sunday plans to ensure I get some much needed down time before work on Monday. I am gutted as so desperately wanted to catch up with this friend but have recognised that my body is calling out ‘enough!’
I need to desperately make sure I go to sleep early this week. Hubby and I have invited everyone from our office to come home after work on Friday for a ‘few’ drinks, order in some pizzas and have nibbles. I know for a fact it won’t be for just a few hours, so I need to make sure I am on my game - not for any other reason than for me to enjoy being with these people and having them here at home...a completely different setting. I am looking forward to it but have to say I was getting worried, knowing I had a full weekend in front of me, having been out this week, and having late nights, I was starting to freak out a bit.
This last weekend was chocka full. My sister flew over from Melbourne for the weekend. She was surprising a friend at a birthday celebrationon the Saturday. What a bloody awesome weekend it was too...sissy and I starting off having a quiet, civilised drink, catching up but the drunker we got, the sillier we got and ended up singing at the top of our voices, to the point where my baby girl apparently wanted to call noise control on her mother...😏 ‘oops’ I don’t really drink very often either these days but it was so much fun. We all went our separate ways on Saturday. Hubby to a darts prizegiving and got home more pickled than a pickled onion, sister to her mates birthday celebration and the rest of us to a 21st. Sunday was a family bar-b-q so sissy could catch up with a few people before leaving home at the crack of dawn Monday morning. I got up just after 4am to say goodbye and so as you can imagine, everything including the tiredness has snowballed. Work Christmas dinner Tuesday night, yet another late night, my lovely cousin from Opotiki arrived on our doorstep Thursday night armed with some amazing Christmas goodies - it was just so lovely to see him and so grateful for the yummies. And then today, we had a shared lunch at work - it was pretty damn amazing...everyone completely outdid themselves so that seemed to top off such a crazy, busy time.
Unbelievable to think Christmas is only a week away...I am being very selfish this year. I think I spoke earlier about how this Christmas was about me and so I have done that. We are off to the beach for the day dependent on weather...will have very simple foods to take with us and have a chilled out day. The really funny thing is that my daughters boyfriends family are doing the same thing...at the same beach...I cracked up when I heard...I find that so weirdly funny but it will work out perfectly for my baby girl and her boyfriend, to have us all at the same place.
I am off work for a couple of weeks at the end of January / beginning of February and have booked myself a flight to Melbourne for four nights to stay with my other sister and her good friend she lives with, who I regard as very much like a sister. I am so excited about going to spend some time with them. We caught up when I was there earlier this year and E had said to me she would have loved for me to go stay with them for a couple of nights. But logistics between where both sisters live was too complicated. So my brain has been ticking over since I got home on how to do this. I am so, so looking forward to spending some time with them both. Its only a short stay but it allows me to have some chill out time and do stuff here in NZ before I go back to work.
Come January, it will be two years since I was diagnosed metastatic. Two years...In some ways its hard to believe, in some ways it feels like it has gone quick but the part that scares me a little is that, it is two years of my life that has gone, leaving me with how many more? I don’t know...by that I mean, while having this cancer I may live for ten years with it, two of those years have gone already...that leaves me with only another 8 to go. Its a scary thought. And yes I know none of us know when our time is up. But believe me there is a distinct difference between living your life and then you die, compared to having it hanging over your head knowing its going to come, but you don’t know when or how bad its going to get before you do. It can truly headfuck you but the trick is to try not to let it, or not to let it too often. The comment I so often get is “well we’re all going to die one day”...that comment just completely pisses me off. I try to be polite and smile but honestly as time goes by, I am getting less and less tolerant and say what I think, to a degree. Kind of depends on my mood...I can’t stress enough how different it is when you know you have this disease in your body that will one day kill you, even if that day is years away. Before cancer I would sometimes think about dying and actually I would wonder what would get me in the end (never for a moment think it would be breast cancer) but it was always a passing thought but knowing of course it would happen one day. Having cancer makes it a whole different ball game. It is on my mind often, it has become very much my reality. I don’t even know if this makes sense. To me it does. But you know, while knowing this disease will get me in the end one day, it is how it affects my life on a daily basis that I really dispise. Yes I am well and I am so very grateful for that...long may it continue. But its the simple things like the weariness I feel, having to be aware that I need to get plenty of rest, don’t over-do things, (or I end up crashing like tonight) leaning over into a cupboard makes my back ache, the constant aching and now with summer here, the throbbing feet once again...these things combined on a daily basis can be such a drag...but hey, it could be much much worse. So I try not to complain too much and take it on the chin. But there is a definite difference in ‘before cancer’ and ‘after cancer’.
Friday 15th December 2017 - 11.49pm
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