Its 2.13am Thursday morning. I don’t quite know what exactly woke me up, the need to go for a wee probably but coming to the realisation that I am in absolute agony. My head is pounding, my throat feels like it has razor blades in it, my jaw is aching and feels tense and my right ear is blocked yet has this muffled ‘boom, boom, boom’ eminating inside of it and I absolutely have no idea what to do with myself...I drag myself out of bed, and manage to take some painkillers though wondering how long before they will kick in. Then I just lie in bed and wait...thinking to myself if someone was to ask how high is the pain? I could easily say it is a 10/10. That was maybe an hour or so ago now. I am relieved ro say the painkillers have kicked in and while my head still pounds and my throat is still sore, the effects have lessened, thank goodness...
I started feeling like this on Monday - labour day after I woke up from a sleep late afternoon. I woke with a pounding headache and the beginnings of a sore throat, which escalated as the evening wore on, by about 8.00pm, the razor blades had pretty much made their presence felt. I took some painkillers quite determined that a sore throat was not going to prevent me from going to work the next day. Especially if I could keep on top of the pain and so I did..both those things. Went to work, took painkillers every four hours on the dot but by 3.00pm I started to feel crappy, with a twist of head spinning and thought bugger this, I am going home before it either gets worse or I have to drive like this in peak hour traffic.
It always seems to be as evening hits or early morning when your symptoms kick into overdrive. Tuesday night those damn razor blades made their presence known. Unfortunately the painkillers decided not to work so it was a damn uncomfortable night, trying not to swallow too much, drinking warm water, gargling with water and salt but managing to go to sleep, woke up early Wednesday with the same symptoms deciding a visit to the doctor was needed. If my throat is that sore, there must be a reason and it needs to be checked out. So after the usual inner struggle with myself I decided to stay home and at 8.30am (opening time), I rang the doctors to make an appointment and would you believe at the start of opening hours, they had nothing available for that whole day!!!! Was it urgent she said? Is an extremely sore throat and constant pounding headaches in someone who has terminal cancer urgent? I didn’t really think so...but I was not happy. She said she would ring me if any cancellations came up. I got no phone call, so I presume no cancellations or she said that to everyone, or else everyone said their symptoms were urgent and they HAD to have an appointment. As the day progresses to about midday, I start to feel much better and then the guilt starts to kick in. OMG, I could have gone to work after all, I could sit at my desk working like this...but within a couple of hours, I started to feel crap again, quite thankful I hadn’t gone to work after all. It happens every time without fail - I always get a case of the guilts. I have always been like this, I have often said this, even when the girls were little and I had to stay home with them because they were unwell, I would feel guilty. I always felt torn between my family and work. Of course your family comes first, but part of providing for your family is having a stable job where you are able to pay the bills and buy food etc. Work has always been good to me and so one of the ways I could give back, was by being a good employee who doesn’t take the mickey. I still have that mentality now and even with having a terminal illness, feel guilty when I am away, which lately seems to have been a lot. My fear is that because I am away more than usual, they will think I am more trouble than I am worth and decide to get rid of me.
I was having an inner turmoil with myself this afternoon, wondering if I should go to work in the morning before I go to the doctors at 10.30 and see what the doc says as to whether I go back afterwards. My younger daughter is telling me to stay home and rest, but I am wondering do I really need to? My supervisor at work is telling me to put my health first and to listen to my daughter...and I know they are both right, its just me and the way I am.
But as I sit up awake at this early hour of the morning and with being so distressed a little earlier, I know something definitely is not right and so my body needs some down time to recuperate. Bloody terrible timimg though. New systems at work which I am still learning and I feel like this puts me back quite a bit, and actually I feel like I was doing pretty ok picking things up. But its the retaining of the information I am worried about. The more you do them, the more confident you become.
But my younger daughter says this is how she felt last week and was home in bed for quite a number of days. She didn’t go to the doctors but sore throats always make me a little nervous. When the girls were little, I was always worried they could have strep throat which could then lead to rheumatic fever and then my baby had two bouts of glandular fever at ages 7 and again at 13. One of the initial symptoms of it was the extreme sore throat and I remember the nightmare of a time she had both times. The fatigue especially, not just for a few months, but up to a year. My poor girl, every time she says she has a sore throat now, I inwardly panic. So with this bloody, not just sore throat, but bloody sore throat, I would feel a whole lot better getting it checked out. Not to mention get a medical certificate for work. Its a short week thankfully...
I wonder though, does having this terminal diagnosis complicate things? I wouldn’t really think so but the worry is there. Maybe its just a case of like the other two said today, with my health concerns I need to be careful. What was it I used to say? “Be kind to myself - be kind to my body”
Its been a couple of hours since I first woke up and took something, the headache is still there, throat still a little sore (though a million times better thank goodness) and the muffled noise in my blocked ear is still ‘booming’ away and feels like phlegm is pouring down the back of my throat - ugh!
Roll on 10.30, I just want to go doctors and find out what is going on and put my mind at rest. Its quite lonely being awake at this time. No one else awake to talk to, or to at least hear anyone else talking amongst themselves. Even the cats are fast asleep.
Cripes, I’d love a lolly or something sweet right about now...and then back off to sleep for a few hours would be great. Actually getting rid of this damn headache would be quite good too.
Thursday 27th October 2017 - 3.33am
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