As I lie here in bed, its a little after 5.00am, I was up about a half hour or so to take some strong painkillers, I am hating on myself and this stupid cancer. I’m not scared I am going to die, not right at this moment although those times crop up, but my body is so sore and I hate it. Last night I wanted to break down and cry, simply with the frustration at this shell of a person I have become. I feel like I have lost my fun side...I am always so serious or feeling so damn intolerant of people.
Last night I told hubby I was bored. I was so sick of being stuck at home, even though that had been my choice for the day. I was wondering to myself, who could I go visit? And while I could think of a couple of people, thought they are probably out doing something or at home chilling with their spouses. I even thought about going to surprise some old ‘friends’ whom I haven’t seen for many years and certainly haven’t heard from since my cancer diagnosis but in all honesty, thought it was a little late to be thinking now about going out visiting, especially if I had to make the effort to look presentable. But I said to hubby, why doesn’t anyone come to visit me? But the answer is the same, everyone has their own lives, or they don’t felt like venturing out in the evening and usually when I do catch up with people, it is during the day.
My head isn’t in such a great spot for now, I am feeling quite down. Feeling worthless really. Feeling like a sad old lady, with no life. My girls are out doing stuff (and so they should be, they are only young), hubby gets to go out regularly to play darts and gets on the piss with the boys, my sister has her workmates and has drinkies with them...but what do I have, I have a sad, lonely life. God, do I even want anyone else reading this sad, pathetic bullshit??? I sound so ridiculous, whining about having no life but this journey is such a lonely one. It has placed limitations on me, the aches and pains I feel are so real and at the moment are making me feel pretty low. And I feel like no one really understands but of course that is true about any situation - until you have walked in someone elses shoes, you will never truly understand what they are going through. But when I see pics on facebook of people who are out enjoying themselves, I wonder why can’t that be me?
Old and pathetic...thats how I feel and nowhere more than when I am at work. I have been there since April 2004 and when I started, I was one of the ‘younger’ ones - probably mid range. Now as time has gone by, the older crowd have finished and as they employ new staff, they seem to be getting younger and younger. Is that a bad thing? No, of course not and the ones I have gotten to know at my office are all very nice young ladies. But because I don’t work directly with them and because I am a different generation from them, I feel invisible. Some make the effort to come and say good morning when they arrive, some say good morning as we pass by each other, others don’t say anything until we come face to face. Do any of them take the time to actually stop and talk to me, have taken the time to get to know me? No, not really...because I am one of the old bitches in the place, I’m not fun enough...and so sometimes in all honesty, I really don’t give a fuck. These people literally mean nothing to me and I don’t mean this in a nasty way but it is the truth....they are people who are employed at the same place I work, I don’t work with them on a daily basis - they are simply names and faces and at times I just cannot be bothered making the effort, because I know truly, they don’t give a fuck about getting to know me. Is this bad? No but it is hurtful because I think I am the kind of person who takes an interest in others...who always has time to lend an ear, but they simply see me as an old lady...too old to be of any interest. Should I care? Not really...I have the ones at work with whom I have a connection, why can’t that be enough? Because I am feeling so fucking precious right now. I want them to appreciate how hard it is for me to get up and come to work each day and just understanding that having terminal breast cancer and coping with fulltime work is not quite as easy as it is for them. And if people took the time to get to know me, would eventually see that I am an ok kind of person, who can laugh and joke as well as anyone else. Are my priorities different? Of course, I have done my drinking and partying - my priority is my family (actually probably looking after myself these days). But it takes me a little while to open up to people and let them in. But for those who take that bit of time, I appreciate it. I wonder if I will be a passing thought when I kick the bucket...or simply ‘out of sight, out of mind’.
And so as I lie here in the dark, hubby sleeping quietly next to me, one of the cats sitting on my little dresser next to me watching closely for signs that I will haul my ass out of bed to feed her, I can feel that those blessed painkillers have finally kicked in - thank goddness. Being in pain constantly is very wearying. To boot, it was a tough week as I said in my earlier post. My brother took sick early week while he was here at our place and I had to ring an ambulance. While they didn’t take him to hospital as he had already been at A&E earlier in the day, they reassured both of us that it was not life threatening but the anxiety my brother was going through was very real and I don’t mind admitting, it terrified the bejesus out of me. He is on the mend now thank goodness but as he is on his own, he really only has his son and I to ask for help. He was there for me when I was going through the original breast cancer stuff, running me to the hospital for my op, taking me back for check ups, not to mention the multiple times I had to go back to be admitted for numerous things. I envy his being able to go back to feeling his usual normal self and the joy on his face as he realises he is feeling so great is bloody wonderful to see. God we take something so simple for granted, until we don’t have it any more. For me, that is unobtainable...the best I can hope for is that my aches and pains will disappear for a few hours (apart from the cancer behaving itself of course!).
Summer is coming or is supposed to be coming soon according to the calendar and so hopefully with the warmer weather and daylights savings, I will be able to get out and about to do more stuff and be a bit more social. Hopefully my moods will brighten up. I think work is hard for me because in the old days, we were all a reasonably tight bunch and they always felt like my other family. Now it doesn’t...it feels like a place I have to go to each day to work and I am kind of sad about it.
A few posts ago, I was talking about how lucky I am to have so many people who love me, around and of course I am... all those people have their own lives or they live far away and we aren’t in contact all the time. And I do miss having a bestie or is it my idea or interpretation of having a best friend that I am missing? Over the years I have had very close friendships where we talked constantly, did things together constantly, even when the girls were little, we had close friends where we did things together with our families. Over time, those friendships have died, I lost confidence in myself big time and have never come back from it I don’t think. Don’t get me wrong, I have good friendships and I love them dearly - I don’t know. I don’t even know if I am making sense -in my head I know what I mean but having trouble expressing it properly. All I know is that I feel lonely...sad and lonely and I don’t like it. And I don’t know that I like admitting to feeling this vulnerable. I don’t know who reads this blog and so as I pass people, I wonder if they have read my deepest and darkest thoughts and what they think of it. Its freaky knowing people are reading your thoughts. Complete strangers is ok because I have no idea who they are...close family and friends because then they get an idea of what is happening and how I am feeling without having to repeat myself over and over again but I look sideways at people and I wonder “have you read it?” “What do you think of the thoughts I am spilling out?” But I remind myself, first and foremost I do this for me. It is such a release to get my thoughts out of my head. Sometimes I feel so heavy and weighed down by everything swirling in my head. I can’t believe how therapeutic writing this blog is. And while sometimes I have concerns about people reading it, it makes a huge difference knowing that someone is actually doing that. What they get out if it, I don’t know.
A close family member recently commented to me that she loves reading the blog...thats so awesome to hear but I wish I had asked why...sometimes I think it is too dark and depressing but having terminal breast cancer isn’t exactly a joyride. And as my cousin pointed out, people don’t have to read it. Your lucky, you get to leave the page if you don’t like what your reading...but this is my life. These are my thoughts and feelings felt pretty much on a daily basis. But what I want people to be aware of, is that when someone has a godawful disease, whether it be cancer or something else, while we may ‘look great’ as so many point out to me, the fears of your condition are always with you. It can completely headfuck you. I love hearing people say that I look great but I also want people to know that I don’t always feel so great...selfish of me? Possibly...
Sunday 8th October 2017 - 7.07am
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