Lazy Saturday

Its early Saturday evening, the sports news is on and I am lying on a mattress in the lounge where I have been blobbed most of today. Everyone has been out of the house and hubby has not long got home after playing darts. No dinner is on, for the second night in a row. I have nothing left in the tank to do anything.

I have found this week a tough one...going back to work on Monday after being on annual leave and then being crook with a cold for a few days. While in my head I wanted to go back to work, I have struggled. I usually get there about 7.15am instead of my actual start time of 8.00am. I have been doing that for months and months to make up time I have out of office for appointments but for now, I am getting there just before 8.00am as the days seem so long and drawn out. I wrestle with myself between wanting to quit so I can take things easy but knowing I will not only miss the money, but miss some of the people and the job itself. I enjoy doing my job...most of the time. But lately, I am so goddam tired. If I don’t quit, then maybe I can drop down to four days but it still means a drop in finances and I’m just not ready to do that yet. So I will continue to struggle on in the hope that this feeling will eventually pass. I am hoping it is remnants of the bug I have had recently that makes me feel this way.

So today, apart from washing a few dishes on the kitchen bench, I haven’t done a damn thing and I just don’t want to. Actually I just don’t feel like doing a goddam thing. Dishwasher hasn’t been emptied, dishes I washed this morning still in dishrack on the bench, no dinner cooked, washing still on the line. Even after getting up off the mattress, its a battle to walk up to the bedroom to get more painkillers and as hubby gives me a little quirky smile, I want to break down and cry. I am ok but I am simply fed up with myself and feeling a fraction of my old self.

In my head I know that I should be exercising and am sure I would reap the benefits of it. But how do I begin when I have such an empty tank? I’ve never been a particularly motivated person or have much self control but one of my many hopes is that as the weather starts to fine up, it will kick start me into doing something.

And as I lie down here like a lazy slob, my baby girl is out doing her Pink Star Walk this evening with her mate. She has raised over $1300.00 through people who have been kind and generous enough to sponsor her. I am so proud of her, of both of them actually.  The knowledge of me living with advanced breast cancer has driven the compassion and empathy my 18 year old baby has always had, and empowers her in knowing the funds she is raising will help others. And how can you ever go wrong with that?

Saturday 7th October 2017 - 7.48pm