Flat as a pancake

There are times when I question who is the real me now? Where has the old me gone? But today, I have felt an overwhelming feeling of sadness and didn't feel like making any effort to talk to anyone. I don't even really know why. I know that recent events at work have really affected me, more than I ever expected - actually in all honesty, I never expected this to happen at all, it never occurred to me that it could. But I don't think that's it - it could be a contributing factor. I had written in my previous post that I have been in a "can't be arsed with bullshit" mood but it just won't go away. My baby posted a link on facebook about some drug for those with mbc but the injustice of how it costs $60,000 a year - $5,000 a month and how we as a family personally are unable to afford it. And I just broke down at work and cried when I read it. I quickly brushed away the tears before anyone saw me, but I just felt like I wanted to cry my heart out forever. Periodically something hits home and makes me realise the predicament I am in. Not that it ever goes away, but I can blase about it at times and then 'bang!' It hits me...and probably because my baby girl had posted it with her very eloquent message. And then when I was talking to a workmate about it, I cried again. I feel like a wrung out dishcloth.

I wanted to run away from work...didn't feel like going today. I am so hanging out for some down time, where I can just relax, recupe and rejuvenate until my next holiday. Another eight days of work with a weekend in between so not too long but it is getting so damn hard to drag my ass outta bed in the mornings.

I don't have a lot of interest in anything- I feel so far removed from everyone and everything (almost) and feel a sense of outrage at the simplest of things. I have been hating on the cancer for a few weeks now, hating how it affects me. I get so tired of the tiredness and of everything being sore, and not being capable of doing very much. Even taking the clothes off the line yesterday was a bloody mission. This does not feel like a life - it feels like an existance.

I sound like a broken record...

Monday 4th September 2017 - 5.46pm