Exhausted

I am bloody exhausted!!!

It has been a pretty damn full on week...work has been "CRAZY" - I have been so frazzled the last three days, which doesn't happen to this degree very often (thank goodness) but my attitude hasn't helped either. I've been in a really "can't be fucked with your shit" mood... with everything! Its not even about work...Its just the space I am in. I HATE facebook with avengence with all the bullshit people are putting up, all the negativity, the stupid statuses...god, what a grumpy old bitch...thank goodness for family and friends - they are my saving grace.

As well as being insanely busy at work, I have been out the last three nights...Tuesday night with a couple of workmates and it was just lovely. They took me out to an Indian restaurant not far from my mother in laws and so cheap! And the food was wonderful! I will definitely like to go back there again. Then last night my girls and I went out for dinner because I decided at the last moment I didn't  want to cook dinner or have takeaways, so we went to good old fashioned Dennys and last but not least, tonight my big girl and I went to the mall to do some fathers day shopping and I needed to get a couple of accessories for her 21st. We had dinner at a cafe there - it was surprisingly good and excellent prices.

I forget that I'm not able to walk around for too long anymore. I get so tired and I ache. But especially after already having been out for the two nights previous. When I am usually lying down in bed between 7.00pm and 7.30pm most nights during the week. By the time we got home this evening, I couldn't wait to make myself a cuppa and throw myself into bed - god, what bliss!!!

I look forward to the end of the day tomorrow, so I can come home and just chill out and let my exhausted body re-charge a little. Friday evening, mmmmmmm - my absolute favourite night of the week!

I am waking up a couple of times during the nights to go to the toilet. If I hang on too long, I end up with damn urine infections. I was warned that I will be susceptable to them now, something to do with the meds I am on which curb my female hormones since my breast cancer is hormone receptive. But this week I have found it is quite painful to drag myself out of bed to deal with natures calling. I am just so bloody sore...my back aches, my feet are starting to go through a throbbing period again and my hands - god, my hand ache. I almost feel like I have really bad arthritis in them but it seems to only be during the night - once I get up to get ready for work, they have come right. But even when my alarm goes off at 5.30am, it is very hard getting out of bed due to the soreness and I feel like a little old lady hobbling around. Once I get in the shower and thaw myself out, I'm good to go. It is times like that when I think "fuck, I hate this cancer- look at what I have been reduced to". Yet when people see me, they have no idea of what goes on behind the scenes. People constantly tell me how good or how well I look, and I love hearing that! But there are little signs that something is going on within. Par for the course unfortunately...

Gosh, how I would love a nice massage right about now. Something nice and gentle and someone who knows what they are doing. I might ring the physiotherapist I met through Pinc and Steel. They deal with rehabilitation for cancer suffers and have studied the effects of cancer on the body. I was her first person with cancer in the bones...wonder if she has had any more since.

Wow, what a week - I look forward to saying goodbye to this one...apart from the usual aches and so on, life is ticking along as normal. Nothing major or bad - just normal-ish. Organising my big girls 21st birthday...21! Where has that time gone? Hard to believe David has been gone that long and what he has missed out on, and the girls too of course. Makes me feel sad knowing he won't be here to celebrate our daughters birthday. Our daughter, whom we were both so desperate for. Both our beautiful girls. All we wanted was to have our own family and when we finally did, he got his calling.

Sometimes you just get sick of being strong and brave when in fact you don't really know how to be anything else but...

Thursday 31st August 2017 - 9.33pm