Life lately

As I lie in bed I can breathe a sigh of relief...it has been a pretty intense few weeks worrying about shit. Today my husband was diagnosed with moderate emphysema...I'd be inclined to say it is slightly more than moderate but not bad enough to say 'severe'. It's a diagnosis I had expected so it was confirmation that my concerns about him were spot on...but my ultimate fear was that they would find cancer. Nothing was seen on his x-ray and so now he gets referred to a lung specialist and must try to stop smoking to prevent his condition becoming any worse. It will be interesting to see what the specialist says. So I feel a huge sense of relief..for now anyhow.

A number of weeks ago, I had been suffering from some pretty intense pain which has now quietened down, although it seems to have elevated slightly again, from what it used to be originally. For the last three or so weeks, I have been experiencing tummy pains, fairly constantly. They may come and go throughout the day, they may stop for a day but then return again. They aren't severe, but are a nuisance and can get me down as they continue throughout the day. I had my infusion today and the oncology nurse was able to squeeze me into an appt afterwards with one of the consultants. He seems to think it does not present as anything to do with the cancer (thank goodness). Because he isn't too sure what is causing it, but there are a couple of options, he will send me for a CT scan (more to eleviate my concerns but also just in case) but has given me a few more tablets to take each day. I think this takes the count up to 11 tablets each morning...I feel like my mother...dad used to say that its a wonder that mum didn't rattle with all the tablets she took, now thats me...

All in all, I feel like it has been a good day. It has gone pretty much as I had hoped.

I had to make a phone call the other day to the company where I have my life insurance. I hadn't advised them that I had breast cancer and I was unsure whether I was obligated to or not. So I rang them to ask for a copy of my policy. While I was talking to her, I told her of my diagnosis and because it was well after my policy had begun, they will still pay out on my death. This had been worrying me for quite a while but then I would get to work and once I am there, everything else goes out of my mind. Luckily this particular day,  I remembered. I was terrified that hubby and my girls would lose out on their inheritance. It isn't a great deal but it is something and will hopefully ease the load a little once I am gone. When I got off the phone from that call, I wanted to break down and cry. It brought home to me that this is what I have to do, that this is real and that I have to be sensible and think ahead and ensure as many arrangements as possible are prepped and ready to go. Make sure all my t's are crossed and i's are dotted. Much the feeling as having to prepare my Will...its reality isn't it and when unexpected things crop up, like unexplained tummy pains and so on, you can't help but wonder if your reality is a little closer than you had anticipated. 

This is not a fun journey by any means. While most of the time I plod along as normal, sometimes I feel like the reality of it is hitting home more, or that the symptoms are well and truly kicking in. The mood swings are terrible, I meant to ask the consultant today for something but it was more about my stomach today. I go back in another 28 days so will definitely discuss it then. While I don't get depressed, I get fed up with the whole cancer thing and I crave to be my old normal self. I still miss me...I hate being in pain but the pain comes from the medicine that is helping keep the cancer at bay. I get shitty at anyone and everyone because of the same thing, those meds keep me well. I try not to eat bad shit because sugar is not supposed to be good for cancer, actually your health in general. I have no oomph to do anything or go anywhere although I have forced myself to go to a number of family functions lately. I'm not fun anymore...

My mate called round the other night and we were talkng about my older daughters 21st which is coming up later this year. It won't be a big affair and will be with those that are closest to her but it is something that I have been putting money away for and starting to organise. I said to my mate, "what if I'm not here when my baby turns 21 or what if I am too ill to do it"...and where a lot of others would say "of course you'll be here!", she just calmly says "well we'll put one on for her" and left it at that. I just smiled, she is such a no nonsence, straight up person and at times that is what I need.

Life is ticking along. There are good moments and laughs in amongst it. I have next week off work to rest up to get me through the next three months and I look forward to the break. I think this is something I need to make sure I do regularly. Divide my holidays up evenly throughout the year to give myself time to rest up. It gets exhausting working a 40 hour week, alarm going off at 5.30am and up before 5.45am, leaving home at 7.00am. Two more days at work and then nine glorious lazy days off - WOO!!!!! I CANNOT WAIT.............

Thursday 1st June 2017 - 12.08am