Blogging

So often I feel the urge to pull on my bloggers hat even when I don't have anything interesting to 'blog' about.  I am happy to sit and ramble on about nothing in particular and I wonder how interesting or un-interesting it is to sit and read someone else's thoughts.  As the blogger, it is so therapeutic to get thoughts and feelings out and sometimes it almost feels like I feel a compulsion to write. And when I think it is pretty boring shit I am writing, I remind myself the reason I do this. So you can understand where I am coming from but I especially write with my sisters in mind - knowing while we are only divided by a stretch of ocean, they may as well be on the other side of the world.  There is no popping into each others for a 'quick cuppa and catch up' and so knowing I have a platform where I can unload myself upon, is such a relief.

It has been a fairly emotional week - with David's anniversary last week, then Dads birthday the next day and yesterday it was mum's 26th anniversary.  No matter how long someone is gone for, you will always be impacted by their loss in some way.  There is some truth to the words 'time is a healer' although you certainly don't believe that when you are in the throes of grief and nor would I ever repeat those words to someone who has recently lost a loved one.

I don't know that I will ever fully recover from losing David but the grief has definitely changed.  To begin with it was so consuming and it was almost impossible to function in normal day to day tasks. Now 16 years later, I feel such a sense of sadness that he isn't here and on what he and the girls have missed out with each other.  He will always have my heart but over the years I have learnt to share my heart with my husband whereas I think I had held a part of it back.

For the last 3 or 4 days, I have been taking the painkillers I had been prescribed a month or so ago but after the awful experience of becoming so painfully constipated, I have fought and fought with myself over whether to go back on them.  But finally after being in so much pain in my joints and especially my right hip, I decided I needed to do something.  Otherwise what sort of quality of life do I have? I can truly say it has made such a difference.  To be able to move around and to not be filled dread at the thought of getting up out of my seat.  Even with taking regular pain relief, my tummy still lets me know it hasn't come right and makes it objections felt first thing in the mornings.

Another weekend is upon us.  It has been a relatively busy week at work and I am ready to have a bit of a wind down for the next two days.

One downfall of taking this pain relief is the tiredness I experience.  I left work 20 minutes early yesterday as I could not cope any longer.  When I finally got home I changed into my pj's and had a snooze in bed before getting up for dinner.  I struggle with the tiredness again today but know there is a weekend waiting for me at the end of the day.

Friday 23rd June 2017 - 4.17pm