Fuck...

One of my ladies is dying...one of my metavivor sisters is dying, I mean literally dying. The cancer has pretty much spread everywhere throughout her body apart from her brain and she is getting things into order. She is putting photo albums together for her babies - babies! Not tiny babies, but her children are only young, school age, not teenagers yet and they are going to lose their mum very soon.

The lump in my throat is overwhelming and my vision becomes blurry as the tears roll down my face, and I try to cry quietly so I don't wake my sleeping husband up. I cry for a woman I have never met before but with whom I have exchanged messages with over posts on a closed Facebook page. I cry for her because my heart breaks that she will never see her children grow up, will never see her children marry and will never see them have their own children. She won't see them this coming Christmas...and if she does, it will be from another place and won't be able to hold them in her arms. Her children will grow up without their mum beside them, they will have a nanny for Christ sake (which she has organised herself). This is so unfair and I HATE it...I hate this cancer shit with a passion!

You know what fucks me off...that low life scum get to live, they get to kill people and rape people, they get to abuse our beautiful innocent children, they get to kill our beautiful innocent children, scum and filth who take drugs and abuse their bodies on a daily basis..and then there are those that willingly take their own lives. How dare they! When some are fighting to stay alive and who want to live...who are putting that poisonous chemo shit in their bodies in the hope it will get rid of this disgusting 'cancer' from their bodies or that it will shrink tumours to give them more time...how unfair is this...truly...I ask you, how unfair is this? It's not just cancer that robs families of loved ones, but what is it that causes these things to happen. Why do some get it and others don't?

There are so many things I want to say in a message to this sister, but I have no words...I am scared of saying the wrong thing, I am scared of thinking too much because it hurts too much, I am scared of thinking of the pain she will leave the others in when she finally leaves them, I am scared in the knowledge that one day soon, us metavivor sisters will read a message from one of her loved ones to say she has passed, and right now it terrifies me to read how far her cancer has progressed throughout her body. It has infiltrated her body everywhere...what a nasty, dispicable disease this cancer is. It worms its way through leaving no stone unturned.

I am so sad for this family...my heart weeps for them...literally

But I am also angry...and hateful...hateful of this disgusting disease and the damage it incurs. The damage it does to your body, the head spin it puts you in and the ultimate sacrifice of taking your life from you and leaving families to grieve.

This is so unfair...

Friday 22nd April 2017 - 12.07am