This sounds a bit weird, but going through this cancer journey has been kind of interesting. As a young girl, I was introduced to 'cancer' with a close friend of mum and dads. I remember her being frail and then I remember going over to the house when she died. I have no concept of a time frame of her being ill, but maybe this is where my idea that people who have cancer are 'frail'. Even in this concept, I have surprised myself. I don't look in the least bit frail, in fact am the complete opposite - looking pretty damn robust and healthy.
In all honesty, I have never given much thought to how someone who has a serious or terminal illness, copes with that diagnosis including the fact that they will one day die from it. I always assumed that it was just accepted - both the illness and their impending death. It hasn't been until my own diagnosis that I have realised it's not quite that simple. You need time to get your head around it and to hopefully come to terms with it. I have heard of people who never accepted what was happening to them and so they spent their final time, however long that may be, being angry, self pitying and angry. That's not to say it's wrong...I don't think there's a wrong way or a right way. It's just 'your' way and how you choose to deal with it.
And I always thought that because people knew they were going to die due to an illness, they simply accepted this is their fate. But it's not quite that simple either. The whole picture is something you need to learn to live with, to deal with and to get on with.
You experience a whole range of emotions - some of them all in one day. It's very much a roller coaster ride and those around you can be swept up in that ride with you.
Some people are very private with what they are going through. For me, I have chosen to be very public with my thoughts and feelings. A lot of this is because I want people to learn from my mistake but also I have always been a talker. When David passed away, I talked about him constantly, I probably drove people crazy but I feel that it helped my grief immensely. I need to express how I feel, otherwise I feel like it's building up and one day I will explode and probably at some poor undeserving, unsuspecting person.
In some ways, I wish I had taken the time to stop and talk to people more about their illness and how they felt. But I have always felt awkward asking those hard questions - I thought maybe the questions were too personal. I think about Sandra, my cousins wife who died last year. I am haunted by the fact that she had cancer for so many years and while I would always ask her how she was, or whether she had been to any appointments lately etc, now feel I didn't really ask enough questions. But I guess you only feel as comfortable asking as the person does, letting you in.
As for me, I am an open book...if you want to know anything, I am happy to give you an answer. If I don't want to answer it, I will tell you. So please, if you ever have any questions about this journey as I call it, don't be afraid to ask - whether I know you personally or whether you may be someone who has stumbled upon this blog.
Often I receive compliments from people, saying how inspiring I am, how brave I am, how strong I am but I don't see that. I often say "I am just me"'. I am not a person who is down for long and I still have a life to live. I have a beautiful family and friends who don't deserve to have a miserable, sad person in their life and "life is for the living". And what's that saying - "a smile a day keeps the doctor away!"
This has been a massive learning curve for me and I hope to continue learning as I go along. I find myself looking at people and wonder if they have an 'invisible affliction'...as things aren't always as they seem. Definitely gone are my preconceived ideas that all people with terminal cancer are ill and frail looking. Looking at myself in the mirror and seeing the other ladies at the Sweet Louise meetings are living proof of this...
Wednesday 5th April 2017 - 9.00pm
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