What is wrong with me? Why am I like this? I am so self centred, self pitying and self absorbed. What is the common denominator of all these words? Self - me, me, me!!!! My last post I was having a shit fit because I felt like no one gives a shit about me, no thats not true. I know people do, of course I do, but why am I left alone so much of the time? Its not because people don’t think about me, its because everyone has a life but I don’t!!!! But I am just so damn resentful and here is a prime example:
Today as work, my 15 year anniversary was officially ‘recognised’ and I was presented with a certificate and a gift of my choosing from the big boss. At the end when I went back to my desk, two people came and gave me a big hug, and another person sent me a message. All three people are my work buddies whom I have formed friendships with outside of work...no one else bothered, sorry, one other person acknowledged my achievement. Three people out of 14 or 15 in the office acknowledged me...any one else, they would be all over them like a rash, hugs and so on. Am I upset? Yeh I am...its just another show of how much less I am thought of. Yet I always think I am friendly at work, have a laugh with people, ask how their families are, ask how they are because I am genuinely interested but it just never seems reciprocated. Well at this moment, I just think fuck them! I’m not going to bother anymore...but see this is my issue...why am I like this? Why can’t I be satisfied with the 4 people who actually took the time to see me this morning...I appreciate them completely, why can’t I revel in those people and forget the other 10 or so...why am I so selfish and self pitying all the time? I feel like for years I have always given so much to others but as I realised it wasn’t getting returned (by those people), I have become so resentful and angry. I feel like I have this huge hole inside of me...Is it in my heart? Or is it the whole of me. I have said before that I feel like a shell of my former self - I feel so empty inside and what is there, I don’t like. I actually don’t know what to do...I don’t feel like I need counselling, maybe I need to start doing some positive affirmations or something, I don’t know. I feel like such a jeckyll and hyde.
What is wrong with me? I actually don’t know what to do...and I hate myself for being like this. I’m not a very nice person. People (some) think I am, I must be good at fooling them...who am I? Will the real Tania please show herself? And soon...
Monday 29th April 2019 - 9.48pm
Monday 29 April 2019
Thursday 25 April 2019
Easter break 2019
I decided to take a few days off work after Easter, as ANZAC Day was incorporated in amongst them, so by using two days annual leave, I had a ten day break! I was so excited at the thought of a break away from work, probably going away up north for about 5 days...on my own unfortunately but I ended not going. The drive is about 3.5 hours and while that was nothing to me a few years ago is now just too much for me. I’ve done the drive a few times but for the last hour or so, I just want to pull over wishing the journey was at an end and my destination just around the corner and so my heart is filled with dread before I even leave home. What had started out as a home away from home, reality very quickly made its presence felt and so it won’t be that way at all...I’ve had a very quiet time in deed, almost to the point of horrendous boredom, mixed in with not actually knowing what I want. I’ve done three things thankfully which I really wanted to, one was go to GP for a check up, get more meds etc and the other two was to catch up with my very good, constant friends - who both came here to see me. Both visits were lovely, picking up like we’ve never been apart. Thats the nature of both these friendships and both are where I can absolutely be myself and say exactly what is bothering me without feeling self conscious about it.
I don’t really know what is going on with me at the moment. My pain is quite minimal, the nausea still pops up from time to time as does the aches although not so often. But I am so restless. I am bored with everything, reading, watching TV, playing games on the Ipad, facebook, crocheting, everything. Even my tastebuds have gone up the wazoo. I am sick of drinking my usual cups of tea, coffee with cream, water, juice - nothing appeals. I get hungry but have no idea what to have, its bloody awful. I questioned the GP about it, he said it can be a long term side effect of the exemestane - great! So for all of my holiday, I have roamed listlessly from one room to the other, picking up the ipad, trying to do a bit of crocheting but in reality I just want to scream and rip my hair out. I want to go out, I don’t want to go out, I have nowhere to go, have no idea who to go visit, maybe just wander around the shops, but just can’t muster up any enthusiasm. The days are ticking by and before I know it, it’ll be time to go back to work and I don’t want to! What do I want to do? Stay home and be bored out of my brains for another week? I need to find another hobby, but can’t think of anything.
And then my mind starts ticking over...I often refer to all the friends and family I have that love me...but sometimes I wonder why do I say that? To whom am I referring? Because it feels like I have no one. All these supposed people who love me, but whom I never hear from or see. I feel so alone, its an awful thing. I know I have lots of people who ‘care’ about me but all these people have their own lives and get tied up in their own lives. Its like I am a final thought. I am so over people saying they’ll come for a visit or for a cuppa and never do. Its like I am the one who has to push it to happen and that is because I am genuinely excited at the thought of catching up and seeing someone. I don’t mind going to them, it gets me out of the house, I definitely don’t mind people coming to mine but I refuse to chase these people now. If you say something, then do it. If you don’t mean it, or I’m not much of a priority, then don’t get my hopes up. I feel like I could count the people who really bother to make time for me, on one hand. Am I being selfish? Are my expectations of people too high? I know that people have their own lives, their own families and that life in general is busy but I also know what will happen. While I am well, people figure they have plenty of time to catch up with me and say they will do it at some stage ‘soon’. But when the call goes out to say my time is almost up, I’ll be inundated with visitors, everyone racing around to see the dying person one last time, to appease their guilt. Its not a visit for me, its for themself and I hate that! Make the most of me while I am well, not once I’m on my last legs. Chances are I’ll be so tired and I’ll just want to spend that time with John and the girls - the ones who are always here with me, who go through this with me every day. Am I resentful? You bet your fucking ass I am! I resent people who expect me to know that they love me, that they think of me. Well you know what...I don’t! I have no idea when someone is thinking of me...of course I know that there are those that love me but its always nice to be told or to be reminded. I resent that everyone else has a fun life and goes out to enjoy it, while I am stuck at home - bored...making sure I have enough sleep so I am able to manage a few measley hours at work per day so the stupid bills still get paid, making sure I take my meds regularly so I can stay on top of my pain as much as I can, trying to make sure I keep on a happy face because people expect it and can’t handle when I’m not my usual chirpy self. I am sick of being what everyone else expects, all these expectations of me and yet I feel a bit guilty because I feel I am wrong to expect people to think of me and make time for me. Do you see something wrong with this picture?
I feel so lonely...I hate admitting it. I don’t have the oomph to go out and about like I used to. I love going for drives, but I hate driving myself. My life is being taken over by this damn dreaded disease, changing everything about me, my tolerance, my personality but there are still glimmers of the old me from time to time. I have a couple of rendevous’ coming up, one at the beginning of May and one at the end of May - I am so excited!!!!! The thought of both of these keep me going and give me something to look forward to. Thank goodness!!!! Otherwise I think I could honestly say that I hate life right now...I don’t care how ungrateful I sound, I’m sick of trying to see the bright side of things, I’m sick of worrying that this blog is too dark for people to read - I am so bloody well fed up!
Thursday 25th April - ANZAC Day - 10.06pm
Monday 8 April 2019
Loss of a metavivor sister
Shit, shit, shit & double shit again! I went onto facebook earlier this evening only to see a post come up on our metavivors page (metavivors are those of us with metastatic breast cancer - terminal, advanced, incurable). It was a post from a son of one of the ladies, to say his mum had passed away at 2.00am today. Lesley was one of the few ladies whom I really connected with, and we had got together a few times for dinner. We had lost touch due to me hiding away from everyone, but recently reconnected again, when she was telling everyone she had stopped all treatments for a better quality of life for the last few minths of her life 😔 Its so hard comprehending she has gone, that this bullshit disease has taken yet another person. So many of the metavivors have died these past months, I try not to take it onboard too much, but this one, hearing of Lesleys passing has really shaken me. It reminds me how good you can be one moment and then the next, your life is slipping away from you. While I was sitting in oncology awaiting my appointment, Lesley had died, another family devastated. I’m not making any more connections with anyone from that page. I kind of stepped away from it anyhow because I couldn’t cope reading all the bad stuff, I felt I had enough on my own plate. How can you make friends with people and then know they are all going to die one by one, one after the other. Whats wrong with me? All the others can do it, but I just can’t. I don’t want to. Maybe thats why I have lost the friends I have, because they can’t cope with the thought of lsing me to death, so instead they leave me in life. Doesn’t really make sense does it.
To change the subject slightly, my appointment went well. The oncologist says the nausea is most likely from the constipation which is from the oxy meds. She will talk to Reuben Broom (head of the team I belong to) about sending me for another CT scan. I told her about my concerns that maybe the cancer had moved to my gut (because of the nausea) but interestingly enough she said, it would have moved to the brain...so next CT scan they will check my head out just to be on the safe side but she doesn’t expect to find anything. I was quite impressed though that she took what I said on board. Blood tests were good, have put a few kilos on which I fully expected due to all the crap I can’t stop feeding on! Treatment went well, took a while to find a vein as per usual. She tried in the knuckle of my index finger which is usually the go to, when all else fails but there was none of that today. Instead found one by knuckle above my wedding & engagement rings. Both spots feeling slightly tender tonight.
My mind keeps going back to Lesley, knowing her body no longer has life in it, she is still and chilled down to an unimaginable temperature. Poor Lesley...or maybe she is the lucky one. No! How can you be lucky to have spent years of your life trying to make a bearable life for yourself, cope with the never ending aches and pains, dealing with the tiredness, having to give up your independance by giving up work, not being able to do your own housework...end up in a place where the cancer eats away at your insides, until your body can’t take it any more.
Rest In Peace Dear Lesley - may your family be wrapped in lots of love, and may your next journey wherever it may be to, be one of peace and beauty. Although I only knew a very small part of you, my heart is saddened for you.
Monday 8th April 2019 - 8.33pm
To change the subject slightly, my appointment went well. The oncologist says the nausea is most likely from the constipation which is from the oxy meds. She will talk to Reuben Broom (head of the team I belong to) about sending me for another CT scan. I told her about my concerns that maybe the cancer had moved to my gut (because of the nausea) but interestingly enough she said, it would have moved to the brain...so next CT scan they will check my head out just to be on the safe side but she doesn’t expect to find anything. I was quite impressed though that she took what I said on board. Blood tests were good, have put a few kilos on which I fully expected due to all the crap I can’t stop feeding on! Treatment went well, took a while to find a vein as per usual. She tried in the knuckle of my index finger which is usually the go to, when all else fails but there was none of that today. Instead found one by knuckle above my wedding & engagement rings. Both spots feeling slightly tender tonight.
My mind keeps going back to Lesley, knowing her body no longer has life in it, she is still and chilled down to an unimaginable temperature. Poor Lesley...or maybe she is the lucky one. No! How can you be lucky to have spent years of your life trying to make a bearable life for yourself, cope with the never ending aches and pains, dealing with the tiredness, having to give up your independance by giving up work, not being able to do your own housework...end up in a place where the cancer eats away at your insides, until your body can’t take it any more.
Rest In Peace Dear Lesley - may your family be wrapped in lots of love, and may your next journey wherever it may be to, be one of peace and beauty. Although I only knew a very small part of you, my heart is saddened for you.
Monday 8th April 2019 - 8.33pm
Sunday 7 April 2019
Article for reading: What is it really like to have cancer
I don’t know how to add links so thought I would add this article I was talking about in tonights post which I had read in the weekend. So much of it hit home with me - constant change of feelings, from moment to moment / how sometimes I feel sad when I have actually had good news / the feeling of loneliness I talk of, even though I have so much love & support around me...please read if you can spare the time.
Its funny, I posted it on my facebook page but people just scroll past it - I had 9 likes with 4 comments, of which one was mine. People just aren’t interested...until they face it themselves either personally or with someone they are very close with. Thats us as a human race - bet you I do the same thing with other situations 😕
https://www.verywellhealth.com/what-is-it-really-like-to-have-cancer-2248830
Sunday 7th April 2019 - 9.35pm
Its funny, I posted it on my facebook page but people just scroll past it - I had 9 likes with 4 comments, of which one was mine. People just aren’t interested...until they face it themselves either personally or with someone they are very close with. Thats us as a human race - bet you I do the same thing with other situations 😕
https://www.verywellhealth.com/what-is-it-really-like-to-have-cancer-2248830
Sunday 7th April 2019 - 9.35pm
Another weekend over
And so another winter is approaching. Daylight savings ended this morning, which is a sure fire way of telling that winter is approaching. Darker quicker in the evenings now, not sure how that will affect my going to yoga and water walking in the evenings now. Especially yoga, as it is at a suburb off the end of the motorway. Guess I have to wait and see.
I’ve put an end to taking orders for my crocheting. I had completely lost any enjoyment I was getting out of it, too much pressure I was putting on myself and timing of getting blankets completed. I have heaps of wool here but the orders I was taking wasn’t using any of that wool. So now, I have decided to go back to the start and make blankets like I used to, using the wool I already have here. I’ll put them on my page to sell and if they don’t, then I’ll give them away as care packages like I used to. I’ve already completed one blanket using a few skeins of yarn I’ve had sitting around for a while. I feel free to do what I want once again. I mean its been a wonderful experience, but I think instead of making to order, perhaps people will buy what I have already made. Its been a pleasure completing orders for people without a doubt and hopefully maybe I can go back to it in a few months or so.
My pain continues to be very minimal and its great. I still keep up with the pain meds, but sometimes I am only having to top up with paracetamol instead of oxynorm, which is great. I’ve got an oncology appointment followed by treatment in the morning. I’ll talk to the oncologist about the nausea I experience. That too seems to have simmered down considerably. Mostly mornings now, whereas recently it was hitting me any time of the day. Maybe it has something to do with the pain, who knows. Most probably the doctors can’t tell me either. Perhaps I can get sent for another CT scan. Cripes, I hope I never have to have another MRI. I have never forgotten how terrifying it was, I had to work so hard at keeping
myself calm and not have an all mighty panic attack.
I’ve actually had a really great week at work. I worked all 4 days although I think I went home earlyish each day. It looks like I am unable to get past 2.30pm each day. I am definitely more productive in the morning than after lunch. Or the fatigue just hits me all of a sudden. I read a really good article about what cancer sufferers have to deal with. It was brilliant! It hit so many things on the head for me personally anyhow. I’ll see if I can post the link here somewhere. But I was able to stay awake, get projects completed, I almost felt like my old self. Its weird how quickly I have changed, how I’ve gone from working to full time, to working one day less, now even that is too much. I have trouble handling a six hour day. Thank goodness I have such a supportive workplace.
I felt really tearful on Thursday when I was leaving, had an overwhelming urge to break down and cry. It was because I was
feeling guilty about having to finish work early again and someone
had wanted something done reasonably urgently. You can’t really
spring things on me all of a sudden now, when I hit that state of exhaustion, I’m no good to anyone. Anyhow, I was upset at myself, fed up with the whole cancer thing. I usually use the blog when I am upset like that, but this time I wanted everyone I knew, to know how fragile I was feeling, so I wrote a post about my vulnerability. My big girl was on the end of my bed while I was doing it, and I promptly burst into tears and sobbed and sobbed. She kept asking me what was wrong but I couldn’t get the words out, so I showed her my post. She just snuggled uo to me and held my hand until I was able to finally get myself under control. God, I hate doing that to my kids but I guess they need to know that mum isn’t always tough and strongall the time. I have no idea how many people read this, but I wanted to make an impact and I know there are many who don’t read this (and thats good as gold). I felt a bit embarrassed a bit later on and almost deleted it, but actually I’m glad I didn’t. People always say how strong I am...but I’m not. I have no choicebut to get uo each day and carry on. And I don’t
want to do it with a sour look on my face, at least not every day!
This is the post:
Feeling a little emotional this afternoon. Its so hard navigating your way through the path of terminal cancer. I’ve gone from being a strong, independent woman to what feels like a shell of myself. Cut work hours from 40 to 32 a week & its not enough. I’m lucky if I can last 8.30am to 2.30pm, 4 days a week. I hate it, I struggle emotionally when I have to give in & cut my losses & leave for the day - I struggle with the guilt altho my bosses are wonderful & support me unconditionally. I feel like the cancer is eating away at me...although it hasn’t actually moved any further throughout my body. Who am I? Sometimes I don’t know.
This saying says it all for me right now...😢
Followed by this (which is actually what really set me off)
And I did feel much better the next day, yet another busy, productive weekend with a bery chilled out day today. And so a new week starts tomorrow and may it be a good one for us all...
Sunday 7th April 2019 - 9.15pm
I’ve put an end to taking orders for my crocheting. I had completely lost any enjoyment I was getting out of it, too much pressure I was putting on myself and timing of getting blankets completed. I have heaps of wool here but the orders I was taking wasn’t using any of that wool. So now, I have decided to go back to the start and make blankets like I used to, using the wool I already have here. I’ll put them on my page to sell and if they don’t, then I’ll give them away as care packages like I used to. I’ve already completed one blanket using a few skeins of yarn I’ve had sitting around for a while. I feel free to do what I want once again. I mean its been a wonderful experience, but I think instead of making to order, perhaps people will buy what I have already made. Its been a pleasure completing orders for people without a doubt and hopefully maybe I can go back to it in a few months or so.
My pain continues to be very minimal and its great. I still keep up with the pain meds, but sometimes I am only having to top up with paracetamol instead of oxynorm, which is great. I’ve got an oncology appointment followed by treatment in the morning. I’ll talk to the oncologist about the nausea I experience. That too seems to have simmered down considerably. Mostly mornings now, whereas recently it was hitting me any time of the day. Maybe it has something to do with the pain, who knows. Most probably the doctors can’t tell me either. Perhaps I can get sent for another CT scan. Cripes, I hope I never have to have another MRI. I have never forgotten how terrifying it was, I had to work so hard at keeping
myself calm and not have an all mighty panic attack.
I’ve actually had a really great week at work. I worked all 4 days although I think I went home earlyish each day. It looks like I am unable to get past 2.30pm each day. I am definitely more productive in the morning than after lunch. Or the fatigue just hits me all of a sudden. I read a really good article about what cancer sufferers have to deal with. It was brilliant! It hit so many things on the head for me personally anyhow. I’ll see if I can post the link here somewhere. But I was able to stay awake, get projects completed, I almost felt like my old self. Its weird how quickly I have changed, how I’ve gone from working to full time, to working one day less, now even that is too much. I have trouble handling a six hour day. Thank goodness I have such a supportive workplace.
I felt really tearful on Thursday when I was leaving, had an overwhelming urge to break down and cry. It was because I was
feeling guilty about having to finish work early again and someone
had wanted something done reasonably urgently. You can’t really
spring things on me all of a sudden now, when I hit that state of exhaustion, I’m no good to anyone. Anyhow, I was upset at myself, fed up with the whole cancer thing. I usually use the blog when I am upset like that, but this time I wanted everyone I knew, to know how fragile I was feeling, so I wrote a post about my vulnerability. My big girl was on the end of my bed while I was doing it, and I promptly burst into tears and sobbed and sobbed. She kept asking me what was wrong but I couldn’t get the words out, so I showed her my post. She just snuggled uo to me and held my hand until I was able to finally get myself under control. God, I hate doing that to my kids but I guess they need to know that mum isn’t always tough and strongall the time. I have no idea how many people read this, but I wanted to make an impact and I know there are many who don’t read this (and thats good as gold). I felt a bit embarrassed a bit later on and almost deleted it, but actually I’m glad I didn’t. People always say how strong I am...but I’m not. I have no choicebut to get uo each day and carry on. And I don’t
want to do it with a sour look on my face, at least not every day!
This is the post:
Feeling a little emotional this afternoon. Its so hard navigating your way through the path of terminal cancer. I’ve gone from being a strong, independent woman to what feels like a shell of myself. Cut work hours from 40 to 32 a week & its not enough. I’m lucky if I can last 8.30am to 2.30pm, 4 days a week. I hate it, I struggle emotionally when I have to give in & cut my losses & leave for the day - I struggle with the guilt altho my bosses are wonderful & support me unconditionally. I feel like the cancer is eating away at me...although it hasn’t actually moved any further throughout my body. Who am I? Sometimes I don’t know.
This saying says it all for me right now...😢
Followed by this (which is actually what really set me off)
Thank you everyone for all your well wishes etc. I felt a bit embarrassed after I posted that message but I get sick & tired of people seeing me as strong all the time, because I’m not. Unless you read my blog, you don’t get to see my vulnerable side and I wanted to shout it out for all to see yesterday. Today, I am glad I did it...Its tough going from such a strong, independent person and seeing yourself become half that person...its hard and I don’t like it. I’m not deliberately being hard on myself, I am simply struggling with the changes. But thank goodness for all of you, but mostly for my wonderful husband and our beautiful girls. Poor Kel, I sobbed uncontrollably on her shoulder last night (usually Grace cops it) but she just snuggled into her mama and held my hand til I was able to control myself.
Thanks everyone, today is a new day. Much love & hugs to you all 🙂❤️xx
And I did feel much better the next day, yet another busy, productive weekend with a bery chilled out day today. And so a new week starts tomorrow and may it be a good one for us all...
Sunday 7th April 2019 - 9.15pm
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