5.30am - alarm goes off
5.40am - still trying to haul ass out of bed - body feeling very tired and heavy
5.43am - have shower, dry off and put pj’s back on
6.00am - hop back into bed - wondering if I am able to push passed this
6.41am - playing games on iPad awaiting respectable time to advise supervisor
I often wake up feeling tired or achy or don’t feel like going to work (not just since cancer diagnosis!) but usually once I am up and in the shower those feelings dissapate and I am good to get on with the day. But this morning I’m just not feeling it at all. I don’t feel unwell, I don’t feel tired like I haven’t had enough sleep (although I am sure I will nod off quite easily) - my body simply feels heavy and feels like it needs rest. The thought of having to sit up in an office chair for hours and function in a worklike capacity - don’t think I have it in me today. Sometimes I forget I should be limiting how much I do, just so I’m able to get through a full week of work.
This last weekend was busy, both days. In hindsight too busy but because I felt good, was able to cope with it at the time. But thats it isn’t it...it hits me a little later and then mixed in with a few late-ish nights (haven’t been able to go to sleep early this week) it becomes too much for my body to handle and I hit a brick wall - albeit, an invisible one. I can’t even summon up any enthusiasm for a cup of tea - anyone who knows me well will know just how unusual that is.
With Christmas almost upon us, what are we? 24 days away...there is a lot going on. Lunches, dinners, parties, drinkies...I am exhausted just thinking about it. I have a busy weekend coming up, and I am tempted to put off going to Saturdays lunch. I’ll see how I feel tomorrow when I am back at work. A rest day today may be all I need. Its days like today I have had to learn to accept and not punish myself for needing them. Although sometimes I am inclined to forget (briefly) that I have cancer and while I am keeping really well, it has to manifest in some way. So knowing and accepting I need today as a rest day is huge. Made much much bigger by the fact I don’t feel guilty about it. HUGE strides for me...
Afternoon: what I do struggle with, is that due to circumstances, this is now part of my life and I have to think about it and I dispise it. Do you ever come to terms with it? And all that it entails? Maybe the phrase coming to terms isn’t correct...maybe I should say ‘acceptance’. I accept this is how I need to think - accept I need downtime at various times because my body is working hard to keep itself well and so I need to do my bit to help. Don’t stop living life but allow some time to rejuvenate. I don’t know that acceptance is the right term either. What I do know is that I hate having to do this...I hate that circumstances with my health means I have limitations. Combined with being older, carrying too much weight...is it even the cancer that does this to me? Or is it simply a convenient excuse to use? In all honesty, I don’t really know. I do know though that the levels of tiredness have definitely increased. They can be completely overwhelming and I definitely struggle at times to cope. At those times I wonder if this is how an elderly lady in her 80’s or 90’s must feel. While my girls think I am an old lady, I’m still relatively young. Early 50’s is not old yet I feel it. I feel old and frumpy...
I’m glad I have taken this day for myself. I watched some recorded programs on TV earlier this morning but have spent the majorityof the day lying down in bed. Had a wee sleep, not too long but enough to take the edge off. I will be ready to face the world again tomorrow. Oops eyes are starting to feel droopy again. Might squeeze in another nap before its time to get up and cook dinner although its still early.
Thursday 30th November 2017 - 2.41pm
Thursday 30 November 2017
Tuesday 21 November 2017
Memories flood back
I am sitting back in outpatients at Northshore Hospital waiting to see the plastic surgeon who operated on me putting in my implants after I had my mastectomy. Its a weird feeling being here after so long. I don’t even remember the last time I was here. Nothing has changed...its still the same funny little place with the same smell. The ‘short stay ward’ just sitting behind it. One of my many regular wards I stayed in. A nurse came out before to ask if I was waiting for a mammogram...if only, I thought to myself. But those few words have unleashed a lot of thoughts and feelings.
A mammogram...thats where this nightmare began. Why couldn’t I have been one of those women diagnosed (or preferrably with nothing to diagnose at all) but if I had to be diagnosed, why couldn’t it have been with a lump that could be cut out, have chemo (ugh), radiotheraphy and then just get on with my life. Not having to worry about what life expectancy I may or may not have. Wondering if those cancerous cells are swimming closer to my lungs or my liver, or my brain. But it would probably have been my luck for it to have come back again anyhow. This is the path I was destined to go down. For what purpose I ask myself? To spread the word with my story so I can save someone else? While it would be wonderful to think I may have saved someones life by educating them with my journey, I will never ever know. But I can only hope my being so open does help raise awareness.
I haven’t missed this place...the endless visits back when I first had my surgery. Seeing both the plastic surgeon and the breast surgeon at different appointments but at the same funny little place. Being poked at, prodded, endless people looking at my implants / scars, having dressings changed and so on. It seems like such a lifetime ago but it wasn’t really.
My appointment:
Surprisingly I wasn’t examined. I thought with the length of time since last seen, they may have needed to. Mr K was quite astonished when I said it had been 16 to 18 months since I last saw him. In fact, it was June 2016, so I was pretty much on the nose. What he wantd to know was whether I wanted to have further surgery to replace the implant I lost, or would I be happy to have my case signed off. I told him of my concerns about my dislike for both my implant and prosthesis, was I brave enough to have the implant removed and stay flat, finally ending with how I feel these days I have bigger and better things to worry about. Mr K agreed with me. He said there was always the concern that having surgery may compromise my existing cancer condition and reminding me of the old saying ‘if it ain’t broke, why fix it’. He asked if I would like a further six months or so to think on it more and I said no, lets sign my case off now. And so we have...Feeling a tinge of sadness. This man was a big part of the beginning of my journey with breast cancer. While someone else removed my old breasts, Mr K gave me new ones. He tried to save my infected one, deciding in the end it was better to remove it. My endless appointments with him, that have now come to an end. We shook hands and he wished me luck and expressed his sorrow at how things hadn’t turned out the way we would have wished and I had to fight back the tears. Coming home and relaying it to my husband, those tears finally fall and then again as I type this.
Another appointment next month to see the breast surgeon, back at the same place. I wonder if that visit will evoke old memories and stir up thoughts and feelings I would rather not have.
I lie on the bed, the sky is a beautiful blue and the sun is streaming. Summer is definitely making an impression. How can you have such sad thoughts and feelings on such a beautiful day. God, I wish circumstances were different...
So on this beautiful, sunny late afternoon, it looks like the decision has been made. I will continue to be lopsided, having two breasts when I feel like wearing my prosthesis. I now have to come to terms with having this implant which I don’t like, and get used to the ugly unsightly cavern where an implant briefly was before it became infected, eventually filling with poison. This is me...time to come to terms with it.
When I take my bra off, I am very conscious of the fact that I feel like a weight has literally been taken off my chest. The prosthesis can feel very heavy some days and I drop it on the bed with a sense of relief, feeling a bit like its a small bowling ball or bag of sand.I am then conscious of the fact that I have one breast sticking out of my chest wall. An un-natural one. An immovable object that just stays. No jiggling to be had. And then the opposite side to the immovable object, is this ugly bulk of puckered skin. It serves no purpose except as a reminder of what I have lost. Do I feel less of a woman because of it? No, definitely not. Do I feel embarrassed by it? No, I don’t think so...its just a part of me now. But its an ugly part which I don’t like. I try not to look at it. I know its there and as I put my bra on with the prosthesis inside it, it is yet another reminder of what I have lost.
I wish I could say all I have lost are my breasts but I have lost so much more than that...
Tuesday 21st November 2017 - 6.21pm
A mammogram...thats where this nightmare began. Why couldn’t I have been one of those women diagnosed (or preferrably with nothing to diagnose at all) but if I had to be diagnosed, why couldn’t it have been with a lump that could be cut out, have chemo (ugh), radiotheraphy and then just get on with my life. Not having to worry about what life expectancy I may or may not have. Wondering if those cancerous cells are swimming closer to my lungs or my liver, or my brain. But it would probably have been my luck for it to have come back again anyhow. This is the path I was destined to go down. For what purpose I ask myself? To spread the word with my story so I can save someone else? While it would be wonderful to think I may have saved someones life by educating them with my journey, I will never ever know. But I can only hope my being so open does help raise awareness.
I haven’t missed this place...the endless visits back when I first had my surgery. Seeing both the plastic surgeon and the breast surgeon at different appointments but at the same funny little place. Being poked at, prodded, endless people looking at my implants / scars, having dressings changed and so on. It seems like such a lifetime ago but it wasn’t really.
My appointment:
Surprisingly I wasn’t examined. I thought with the length of time since last seen, they may have needed to. Mr K was quite astonished when I said it had been 16 to 18 months since I last saw him. In fact, it was June 2016, so I was pretty much on the nose. What he wantd to know was whether I wanted to have further surgery to replace the implant I lost, or would I be happy to have my case signed off. I told him of my concerns about my dislike for both my implant and prosthesis, was I brave enough to have the implant removed and stay flat, finally ending with how I feel these days I have bigger and better things to worry about. Mr K agreed with me. He said there was always the concern that having surgery may compromise my existing cancer condition and reminding me of the old saying ‘if it ain’t broke, why fix it’. He asked if I would like a further six months or so to think on it more and I said no, lets sign my case off now. And so we have...Feeling a tinge of sadness. This man was a big part of the beginning of my journey with breast cancer. While someone else removed my old breasts, Mr K gave me new ones. He tried to save my infected one, deciding in the end it was better to remove it. My endless appointments with him, that have now come to an end. We shook hands and he wished me luck and expressed his sorrow at how things hadn’t turned out the way we would have wished and I had to fight back the tears. Coming home and relaying it to my husband, those tears finally fall and then again as I type this.
Another appointment next month to see the breast surgeon, back at the same place. I wonder if that visit will evoke old memories and stir up thoughts and feelings I would rather not have.
I lie on the bed, the sky is a beautiful blue and the sun is streaming. Summer is definitely making an impression. How can you have such sad thoughts and feelings on such a beautiful day. God, I wish circumstances were different...
When I take my bra off, I am very conscious of the fact that I feel like a weight has literally been taken off my chest. The prosthesis can feel very heavy some days and I drop it on the bed with a sense of relief, feeling a bit like its a small bowling ball or bag of sand.I am then conscious of the fact that I have one breast sticking out of my chest wall. An un-natural one. An immovable object that just stays. No jiggling to be had. And then the opposite side to the immovable object, is this ugly bulk of puckered skin. It serves no purpose except as a reminder of what I have lost. Do I feel less of a woman because of it? No, definitely not. Do I feel embarrassed by it? No, I don’t think so...its just a part of me now. But its an ugly part which I don’t like. I try not to look at it. I know its there and as I put my bra on with the prosthesis inside it, it is yet another reminder of what I have lost.
I wish I could say all I have lost are my breasts but I have lost so much more than that...
Tuesday 21st November 2017 - 6.21pm
Saturday 18 November 2017
Anti-social undies
I have had the laziest, most chilled out Saturday and have loved every moment of it. Had a lie in this morning, then got up to watch my recorded programs. Then my big girl and I watched the last episode of ‘How to get away with Murder’ - one of my most absolute favourite programs. It has been a ritual each Saturday, followed by watching a couple of movies. I am now hibernating in my room with a fresh cuppa. Its been a relatively busy week. Treatment at the hospital on Monday, nothing out of the ordinary with it, out for dinner with friends Wednesday night, works AGM on Thursday night, and so hubby and my baby girl came with me and we had dinner before hand. Admittedly two nights out, even if they are early finishes (home by 8.30), I am exhausted. Tonight the boss was putting on a social occasion in town for everyone at work. As recognition for all the work put in by all with the new system having come into play. Thats where the name of this post came from. My boss asked if I was going to the AGM and I very emphatically said no, I had been going for years, it was time for the newer staff to do their bit. (We usually attend to ensure there are enough numbers and by living close by, we are the ones relied upon. The south Auckland crew get off due to the distance to travel, which never seem to be such an issue a number of years ago. But as time has gone on, traffic has gotten heavier and they just haven’t been expected to attend). But anyhow, I am steering off course. Anyhow, my boss said to me, I hear your not coming along on Saturday either, have you got your anti-social undies on? To which I said ‘yes I have!’ I told him I am not in the least bit interested in socialising outside of work and the weekends are my time. And I don’t regret that decision for one moment! I came home yesterday relieved in the knowledge that I do not have to have anything to do with work until Monday. If I socialise with workmates, it is my choice. However, I did have second thoughts about attending the AGM. I get a lot of support from my boss with regards to everything that has gone on, and he doesn’t ask much of me, apart from doing my job. Attending the AGM is one small thing I can do to show my support to them, even if I haven’t agreed with recent decisions - not that they are answerable to me, or have to make any kind of explanation. Hence going and having a good catch up with some I haven’t seen in a long while. It was actually really quite nice.
Its been raining off and on most of today...on at the moment and it is so relaxing. Left overs from last night for dinner tonight, so no cooking having to be done...god, this is the life! One more day of the weekend to go, with no set plans.
Tuesday afternoon I have an appointment with my plastic surgeon. Its been possibly 16 months since I last saw him. He said last time “see you at Christmas time” but his nurse told me his Christmas time would probably be closer to March. Both came and went and almost a year later, I finally get one. Not that it worries me, all is well with my implant and non-boob side. If I was to say anything to him, it would possibly be, please take my other implant out. I don’t like it, I never have and I can’t see it happening now. I have days where it feels tight or heavy on my chest - much like the prosthesis. In fact, I just made the comment the other day to my workmates that my false boobs felt tight. The thought of having to go under the knife again does not appeal at all, or having to use my annual leave for recovery time. I’d much rather use it for recreational recovery.
Next month I have an appointment with my breast surgeon. It will have been 12 months since I last saw her. In all honesty, I have no idea why she needs to see me and must make a point of asking.
Come January 27th, it will be two years since diagnosed metastatic (stage 4, incurable, advanced, terminal). Wow...has it almost been that long? I’ve been going round ‘cancer headfucked’ that long? Not sure whether to be scared or impressed. Scared that two years of my life expectancy is now passed or impressed that I have come through it and still in reasonably good health and doing ‘ok’. Bit of both hangs in there...you can’t help it. You just try not to dwell on it too much. Think there is room for improvement!
Saturday 18th November 2017 - 8.03pm
Its been raining off and on most of today...on at the moment and it is so relaxing. Left overs from last night for dinner tonight, so no cooking having to be done...god, this is the life! One more day of the weekend to go, with no set plans.
Tuesday afternoon I have an appointment with my plastic surgeon. Its been possibly 16 months since I last saw him. He said last time “see you at Christmas time” but his nurse told me his Christmas time would probably be closer to March. Both came and went and almost a year later, I finally get one. Not that it worries me, all is well with my implant and non-boob side. If I was to say anything to him, it would possibly be, please take my other implant out. I don’t like it, I never have and I can’t see it happening now. I have days where it feels tight or heavy on my chest - much like the prosthesis. In fact, I just made the comment the other day to my workmates that my false boobs felt tight. The thought of having to go under the knife again does not appeal at all, or having to use my annual leave for recovery time. I’d much rather use it for recreational recovery.
Next month I have an appointment with my breast surgeon. It will have been 12 months since I last saw her. In all honesty, I have no idea why she needs to see me and must make a point of asking.
Come January 27th, it will be two years since diagnosed metastatic (stage 4, incurable, advanced, terminal). Wow...has it almost been that long? I’ve been going round ‘cancer headfucked’ that long? Not sure whether to be scared or impressed. Scared that two years of my life expectancy is now passed or impressed that I have come through it and still in reasonably good health and doing ‘ok’. Bit of both hangs in there...you can’t help it. You just try not to dwell on it too much. Think there is room for improvement!
Saturday 18th November 2017 - 8.03pm
Wednesday 15 November 2017
Deactivation complete...
I’ve done it! I deactivated my facebook page last night and I feel free!!!!! I had to download a game onto my phone so when I pick it up, I still have something to do on it. Its a bit like mind over matter. I could have kept the page but I would have kept checking it periodically and with the way I was feeling about it, it would completely aggravate me. I had gotten to the point where I loathed everything about it. So a break away will be great, even if only for a week. Who knows...
I don’t have anything else to post, simply felt the need to share about what I had done. I feel quite proud of myself, stupid really.
Its halfway through the week thank goodnesss. Been out for dinner tonight with my ‘young friends’ to a lovely little Italian restaurant local to home...absolutely delicious and look forward to going back another time to try something different. Now lying on the bed with a full puku, time for a cuppa soon maybe (or not). Two more days of work before the next weekend. Time is really starting to get away now withChristmas closing on in. I have applied for a couple of weeks leave towards the end of January. Hopefully the weather will be great to do some day trips away. Another year almost gone..where do they go?
Wednesday 15th November 2017 - 8.28pm
Its halfway through the week thank goodnesss. Been out for dinner tonight with my ‘young friends’ to a lovely little Italian restaurant local to home...absolutely delicious and look forward to going back another time to try something different. Now lying on the bed with a full puku, time for a cuppa soon maybe (or not). Two more days of work before the next weekend. Time is really starting to get away now withChristmas closing on in. I have applied for a couple of weeks leave towards the end of January. Hopefully the weather will be great to do some day trips away. Another year almost gone..where do they go?
Wednesday 15th November 2017 - 8.28pm
Sunday 12 November 2017
Facebook friends
I’ve been culling my ‘facebook friends’. What a stupid term...what even are they? A bunch of people who send you a request because they want as many ‘friends’ as possible or they met you briefly through someone and think it gives them the right to see into your life and check out your photos. And you know what, we’re daft enough to accept it. I know I am...I accept requests because I feel awkward not accepting them (not all the time, but some) and I allow people the passageway into a glimpse of my life. Well I’ve kind of had enough and so I started culling them. Both friends and family who I no longer hear from or never ever really heard from. Why should I give them a glimpse into my life? While I cerrainly don’t hold back on anything to do with my breast cancer, and I try not to post too much on fb, sometimes I do. Why should they be freely given access to it? Its different with this blog...While I know I have a few regular readers, I don’t really know otherwise who reads this, if anyone. I get stats from blogspot but in all honesty, I can’t make head nor tail of them. And thats all ok...I was geared up for the possibility of people I don’t know, reading this and of course part of my reasoning was to help others in the same boat, maybe my thoughts would be their thoughts, I don’t know...and the other reason of course was for family and friends to know firsthamd whats been going on whether with oncology appointments or inside my head.
But I just figure that if people want to know what’s going on, they can bloody well make contact and ask. And yes even after talking about this ages ago, it still hurts that some people I would have expected more from, don’t bother with me. I try not to let it, but those feelings continue to slip in. Funnily enough, when someone dies, we all make the time to attend the funeral but how about making the time while they are still alive and can enjoy the benefit of your company? We’re all guilty of it...I know I am. But I am now on the flip side where this is happening to me personally. I kind of figure if you can’t be bothered making time for me when I’m alive, why bother when I’m dead...except hubby and girls may appreciate you being around then. Unless my bitterness rubs off onto them and they are as offended by the hypocracy as I am.
So yes, a start has been made and I will hopefully continue with it soon before I lose the momentum and stop giving a shit until the next time. I am having trouble keeping my eyes open, so will stop off for a girly break and come back to bed and crash out. I hate to think how many spelling mistakes I will have missed. I try and check them regularly as I type but I find using the ipad, my fingers regularly hit the letter next to the one I actually want. ‘N’ and ‘m’ is a classic one...usually missing those when I spellcheck with my blind, tired eyes!
Anyhow, thats me...
Sunday 12th November 2017 - 2.27am
Monday 6 November 2017
Countdown to Christmas
49 days until Christmas...whoa...
I love Christmas! Over the years I have enjoyed the big family Christmasses, and enjoyed the quiet ones with just us. Last year in all honesty felt like a non-event. The boys put a small umu down at their mums place and then proceeded to get plastered. I played board games with the kids (big kids) and it didn’t feel in the least bit like Christmas Day but think it had more to do with my state of mind. It probably didn’t help that I had one foot in a moonboot after falling through a chair and breaking two toes and suffering from horrendous pain in my tailbone, and worrying about the possible implications this could have with the cancer being in my bones. Especially already being in my lower back extremities.
This year I would like a chilled out day, preferrably at fhe beach but the weather is always so unpredictable. I don’t want lots of food with all the trimmings - I would like a no fuss day that is enjoyable. If we go to the beach, we can swim, lie in the sun, play board games and hubby and kids can have a few drinks. I am more than happy to be the driver. For years I have wanted to do this but worried about the trimmings. How would we keep the pavlova fresh? How will we keep the ice cream frozen? This year I have a little more clarity. Its more about having an enjoyable day with my wee family. The food is simply fuel to keep you going. What it is, is not important. Hubby has never liked this idea but I think I’ll push for it...it can be on my bucket list. Its probably the one thing I can truly think of that I want to do.
My big girl and I went out Friday night. I’ve had a bit of a bee in my bonnet about doing some Christmas shopping, and had made a start a couple of weeks ago. The reality was that once we got to the mall and after looking in a couple of shops, the exhaustion of the week caught up with me very quickly and the enthusiasm waned comsiderably. But we decided we’d try again the next morning and go to St Lukes instead. Which we did and it was bloody awesome! I was so pleased, I got a lot out of the way and my big girl was very pleased with her purchases as well. It feels great, just wish our Christmas tree was up so we could wrap the pressies and pop them underneath!
This year I am being featured in a Christmas edition newsletter for BCFNZ. Its designed to raise donations for their continued support of women with breast cancer as well as to raise awareness and fund ongoing research. The newsletter will be distributed to approximately 75,000 people and will also be utilised through social media.
Hard to believe it’s only been a week since I was feeling so crap. I thought it was never going to end and it’s bloody wonderful to feel reasonably normal again. Still a few ongoing issues such as endless headaches, had a bout of tummy and bowel issues but think they are slowly resolving. Either way, I am feeling so much better - thank goodness! I had been worried about going back to work, thinking I had probably forgotten most of what I has learnt with the new systems which had recently come in and yes I had...but it was a matter of sitting with someone to refresh my brain or sitting down and nutting it out for myself. I think I can now say I’m feeling quite a bit more confident. Wish I didn’t doubt myself so much but I do it all the time. I want to know everything instantly and get pissed off with myself when I get confused. A huge part of it is my memory. I know my memory is shocking these days and it instantly worries me and puts me on high alert. And I am immediately in turmoil before I have even started! So I have pleasantly surprised myself...with a huge sigh of relief!
Five and a half hours before my alarm goes off and a new week of work begins. I had a 2.5 hour sleep this afternoon...I was bloody knackered and could hardly keep my eyes open...now I’m having trouble going to sleep but to be honest haven’t really given it a try. Tummy is starting to rumble naturally since the subject of going to sleep has arisen..what a bloody nuisance.
Wonder what this week is going to bring...normality is always good:)
Monday 6th November 2017 - 12.29am
I love Christmas! Over the years I have enjoyed the big family Christmasses, and enjoyed the quiet ones with just us. Last year in all honesty felt like a non-event. The boys put a small umu down at their mums place and then proceeded to get plastered. I played board games with the kids (big kids) and it didn’t feel in the least bit like Christmas Day but think it had more to do with my state of mind. It probably didn’t help that I had one foot in a moonboot after falling through a chair and breaking two toes and suffering from horrendous pain in my tailbone, and worrying about the possible implications this could have with the cancer being in my bones. Especially already being in my lower back extremities.
This year I would like a chilled out day, preferrably at fhe beach but the weather is always so unpredictable. I don’t want lots of food with all the trimmings - I would like a no fuss day that is enjoyable. If we go to the beach, we can swim, lie in the sun, play board games and hubby and kids can have a few drinks. I am more than happy to be the driver. For years I have wanted to do this but worried about the trimmings. How would we keep the pavlova fresh? How will we keep the ice cream frozen? This year I have a little more clarity. Its more about having an enjoyable day with my wee family. The food is simply fuel to keep you going. What it is, is not important. Hubby has never liked this idea but I think I’ll push for it...it can be on my bucket list. Its probably the one thing I can truly think of that I want to do.
My big girl and I went out Friday night. I’ve had a bit of a bee in my bonnet about doing some Christmas shopping, and had made a start a couple of weeks ago. The reality was that once we got to the mall and after looking in a couple of shops, the exhaustion of the week caught up with me very quickly and the enthusiasm waned comsiderably. But we decided we’d try again the next morning and go to St Lukes instead. Which we did and it was bloody awesome! I was so pleased, I got a lot out of the way and my big girl was very pleased with her purchases as well. It feels great, just wish our Christmas tree was up so we could wrap the pressies and pop them underneath!
This year I am being featured in a Christmas edition newsletter for BCFNZ. Its designed to raise donations for their continued support of women with breast cancer as well as to raise awareness and fund ongoing research. The newsletter will be distributed to approximately 75,000 people and will also be utilised through social media.
Hard to believe it’s only been a week since I was feeling so crap. I thought it was never going to end and it’s bloody wonderful to feel reasonably normal again. Still a few ongoing issues such as endless headaches, had a bout of tummy and bowel issues but think they are slowly resolving. Either way, I am feeling so much better - thank goodness! I had been worried about going back to work, thinking I had probably forgotten most of what I has learnt with the new systems which had recently come in and yes I had...but it was a matter of sitting with someone to refresh my brain or sitting down and nutting it out for myself. I think I can now say I’m feeling quite a bit more confident. Wish I didn’t doubt myself so much but I do it all the time. I want to know everything instantly and get pissed off with myself when I get confused. A huge part of it is my memory. I know my memory is shocking these days and it instantly worries me and puts me on high alert. And I am immediately in turmoil before I have even started! So I have pleasantly surprised myself...with a huge sigh of relief!
Five and a half hours before my alarm goes off and a new week of work begins. I had a 2.5 hour sleep this afternoon...I was bloody knackered and could hardly keep my eyes open...now I’m having trouble going to sleep but to be honest haven’t really given it a try. Tummy is starting to rumble naturally since the subject of going to sleep has arisen..what a bloody nuisance.
Wonder what this week is going to bring...normality is always good:)
Monday 6th November 2017 - 12.29am
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