Quick catch up before Christmas

Can you believe that Christmas is just a couple of sleeps away?  Where does the time go! I’m glad to say I am looking forward to Christmas Day, finally. I haven’t really had a christmassy bone in my body, but I have got my present shopping done and wrapped and then my big girl and I went food shopping on Saturday for our picnic lunch / dinner and I am so excited at the thought of going to the beach for the day and getting some swims in! So long since I’ve been and it feels great to have that feeling of excitement and anticipation!

I recently had one of my sisters come to stay for a week, from Melbourne. It was great to spend time with her but it felt different.  I think because I am conscious of how different I am now and how often I felt sore or tired, and had to lie down on the bed, or go for a sleep. I probably went out and did more in that week than I have for a long time, but would often pay the price for it the next day. Sometimes I had to talk myself into doing things but always enjoyed it once I was up and about. But I feel like our lives are so different now, I can’t really put my finger on it. I think it probably has to do with the distance apart we live, we don’t talk much, and when we do, we’re catching up on everyone. When I feel down, I don’t pick up the phone to talk directly to her. It saddens me...we are drifting in different directions. But that is inevitable. My sister has good health and can do fun things with her husband, family and friends. I feel like shit most of the time and don’t feel like doing anything and my friends all go out and do fun stuff with other friends. I don’t feel like a fun person anymore. My gawd, I think thats it! I don’t feel fun anymore. I am angry and resentful because of this stupid disease. Its kinda hard to be full of fun when you are bloody sore and half asleep most of the time...but, it was lovely to see my sister and to have that time with her.

I’m glad to say my recent oncology appointment and CT scan went well. No new movement on the cancer front, therefore my existing treatment continues to handle things nicely, or as nicely as it can. I was a bit nervous just before I got my results. Its been four years without any further spreading and I know one day the news will come where it has changed, however slightly it may be. And so this time I figured this could possibly be the time. Thank goodness I was worrying for nothing. The oncologist said they hope to get five years run out of exemestane before it starts to falter from its job and patients need to be changed to a new medication. So I have a year up my sleeve still, as January marks four years since being diagnosed metastatic (terminal).

I have read so many things about how oxy meds are very addictive and I could never understand how, or what form it takes. But I think I am beginning to find out for myself. (Oxycodene and oxynorm along with paracetamol are my regular pain meds). I rely heavily on the oxy’s. I usually take my first dose at 6.00am and then every four hours from there, with a maximum of four doses. But honestly, it isn’t enough. Sometimes I am taking the doses in 3.5 hours instead of waiting for four hours as the pain is starting to break through. And now my usual wake up time is about 4.00am-ish and along with this comes nausea and then the pain in my back kicks in. I don’t want to take my first dose of pain meds too early as it may stuff things up for the other end of the day, maybe I should try it. But even getting out of bed to sit up on the side of the bed to take the meds can be so difficult. And of course the side effect of these drugs is tiredness. It is so hard for me to wake up properly and keep my eyes open, to start the day. But the on-going pain is so, indescribeable. I hate it! I hate having this goddam disease! I am so fed up with myself and this bullshit life. It really is unfair. I try so hard to be grateful but honestly this is no picnic. I often want to take extra doses of oxy because when I take them, they usually kick in about 20 minutes later. I don’t want to wake up at 4/4.30am and wait until 6am to take pain killers. Sometimes throughout the day I feel the pain creeping back in and after a couple of hours I want to take more but know I need to wait a bit longer. I worry that those thoughts of taking more than I am prescribed will become stronger and my dependance on them become even tighter. And the fact that they are a controlled drug, it is such a rigmarole getting a damn script. They only prescribe so many per month. At least when I was on codeine, I was getting scripts for three months, now its every month that I am hassling either the oncologist or my GP.

I’ve previously mentioned that sometimes I wonder if I am using the cancer as an excuse. Do I talk myself into the way I feel? I happened to mention this to my mate who came to my oncology appointment with me last week and she told me off. She said that don’t I dare minimise what I am going through, that what I feel is very real and of course I know it is. The pain and the tiredness are definitely not a figment of my imagination. But I was so grateful for her reaction. When I have said this to other people, more times than not they agree with me. Occasionally someone will say I am talking rubbish, but mostly people half pie agree with me. I don’t know if its because they don’t want to appear to be disagreeing with me or is it that my friend understands a lot more due to her previous nursing experience and the fact that she has had cancer and while currently has been given the all clear (long may it stay that way!) still feels some of the effects such as the tiredness / fatigue. Fatigue is a much better word to use. It expresses much more than the word “tiredness”. Fatigue is a “thing”. A very real thing. I’ve been so tired and sore of late, you can’t help but get upset about it. But perhaps the key is that I should try to push myself a wee bit more, if theres enough in the tank I mean. My unmotivatedness is very real and I know sometimes I do have to push myself to do things. And once I do them, I feel much better for it. I guess it is a case of see how you are each day and what you can handle and don’t pressure yourself to do more than I can.

But at least I have something to look forward to with going to the beach for the day very soon - can’t wait!!!!! So blimmin excited!!!!!!

Hope you all have a safe and Merry Christmas, and enjoy the day with loved ones

Sunday 22nd December 2019 - 11.33pm

Officially summer!

The start of another summer is upon us, having started today. I’ve always been a summer person, right from a kid - loving the beach, going swimming whether it be at the pools or the ocean, frying myself with baby oil. Sunburn on top of sunburn! Crazy! I haven’t made the most of summer the last few years and I desperately want to change that this year. I am itching to go for a swim. Seeing videos on facebook of kids swimming, is tortuous. My girls and I are planning on going to the beach for Christmas Day again this year like we did two years ago. Hubby will go down to his mums to spend with her and his brothers. I did wonder whether I should go too but honestly my days of feeling obliged to do anything is pretty much over. I do things for myself now. While I can still drive, I will get myself there. Not too much goes on down at mother in laws. As she is not feeling well these days she stays inside watching TV and good on her I reckon. She also needs to do what is right for her. And the guys sit outside getting plastered, not really my idea of Christmas or fun. Hard to believe it‘s only a few weeks away! Where has this year gone? To be honest, it has felt quite a slow year but as you look back at time gone by, you have to wonder where did it go!

I have my next oncology appointment on Monday 16th December, followed by treatment. Its a mid morning appointment so am taking the whole day off work. With my late starts and early finishes, its not worth me going in before and after. Those days are gone too! I have a CT scan on Tuesday 10th December, perfect timing. Then I will get the results at my oncology appointment the following week. I try not to worry too much, pointless panicking until there is something to panic about. I mean you can’t help but wonder has the cancer moved? has it stayed put for another wee while? The day will one day arrive when I get the news that the cancer has shifted, and hopefully it will be a minute shift. Its when it transitions from my bones to my organs which worries me. I remember when I was told at one of my early on appointments that when it goes to your organs, it is a whole different story from it being in your bones and suddenly the outlook isn’t quite so rosy. Even as I think about it while I am typing this, I can feel the blood rush to my face and my heart starts to beat quicker and a wee lump forms in my throat. Its scary, it really is. And that is why I try not to think about it while it is un-necessary to. So fingers, eyes, arms and legs all crossed for another good outcome.

My sister arrives from Australia Tuesday night. It’ll be early Wednesday morning before she arrives here. I can’t wait to see her!!!! Every time I think about it, I want to squeal out loud like a kid, I can’t wait! She’s here for a week, I told her to make sure she goes out to see her mates as I am so boring and don’t do much these days.

I am taking the days off work, and so including the weekends and days I don’t work, I will have a break of 13 days off. That’ll be interesting. I wonder if I’ll be ripping my hair out with restlessness or will it be the other way, and I’ll be filled with dread at the thought of going back!

Its funny at work now. I am like a little minion. For years I was in charge of admin, people always coming to me when they needed something and I was in charge of the whole chicken caboodle. Now I’m not. People constantly by-pass me and go to my work buddy. I do the little jobs and leave the rest to her. It is bloody great! Such a relief off my shoulders and the timing was perfect! There is no way I could handle all that stuff now. I’m not sure if I said in a previous post, but I had said to the GM that I think he should just lay me off but he refuses to. Which is lovely of course but I do still get the guilts when I have to leave early or am away sick. Daft eh! Got a terminal disease and still I feel guilty. My lovely work partner is always nicely telling me off for it! She’s too blimmin cute and I am so grateful for her. Thank you my lovely, you know who you are xx

And so another weekend is over and a very quiet one its been too. I used my Sweet Louise vouchers and went for an oncology massage. I came out feeling on top of the world. As usual she found a few tight knots and was able to massage them out, so I’ve been a bit tender in a couple of spots but otherwise, its great. So anyhow, two more days at work before my big break away. I don’t really need to take too many leave days now since starting to drop my days at work. But its always handy, you never know when you may need them.

Sunday 1st December 2019 - 10.28pm

A healing weekend

Since my weekend started after finishing work on Wednesday afternoon and getting home, it was the start of catching up with three family members whom I haven’t seen for quite a while for one reason or another. Its actually been wonderful and so heart warming. The first one was when I got home from work Wednesday afternoon and it was hubbys eldest son who lives in Sydney with his family (kids now reached adulthood) sitting out in our back patio area. Its been a few years, perhaps five since we last saw him and we are both bloody hopeless at keeping in touch with each other. So that was such a lovely, lovely surprise. Then on Thursday, we saw him again but he brought his younger brother with him. Its been perhaps 18 months to two years since we last saw him. Long story and one I don’t really want to delve into. A few of you will already know it, but lets just say the last time he came round (after a few years absence) he got a right telling off from his wicked step mother. I have to say it was lovely to see him too and I hope it is a new beginning for all of us. I had said my piece to him those couple of years ago, I have got it off my chest and so now its time to move on. It took guts for him to come up, so I’m very happy. And then thirdly, today I saw my cousin (my cousins son) whom hubby and I had had a huge fight with last Christmas time and it had caused a massive rift. It was great to clear the air with him too.

I am so good at getting angry with people and holding a grudge these days. But at the end of the day, these three men are all family and life is too short to spend it mad, unless people really deserve it, (and believe me, there are a couple!)  If I can clear the air with people who aren’t family, then surely it is more important to do so with actual family members. Some relationships are just too important, especially when you have been very close to them in the past. It has truly felt like such a heart warming, cleansing few days. I feel like it has lifted a wee bit of a burden off of my shoulders.

When it came to making up with hubbys younger son, I am really glad he came up. Even if he needed a bit more courage with his older brothers presence. The bond of parent and child is such an important one and I am sure my being so angry with my step son was a bit of a strain for my husband although he understood the reasoning. But at the end of the day, this young man is still hubbys blood and so I really hope this relationship continues and that he believes I am very happy to have him back in our lives.

Its been a few days since guy fawkes and blasted crackers are still going off. One of our many neighbours is having a good go at letting the damn things off and as I type this out, I can hear in the background, what sounds like huge shells going off. Then the realisation hits me, of course! It has to be the local community fireworks event this evening. I remember those days when my girls were younger. Actually, we only ever went to one fireworks show but it was fantastic! But every year, we used to light firecrackers in our back yard, usually with friends or family over to share the fun. But I swear every year it either rained or drizzled and poor hubby would get wet lighting the damn things. I cannot believe it.   This year, the bloody weather was frigging perfect!!!!!!! Oh well, great for all the  little kiddies this year.

Nothing new with me. My back has been relatively sorer than normal. I must dig out my Sweet Louise vouchers and go for an oncology massage. Still waiting on an appointment for a CT scan before my December oncology appointment. This has been my third weekend with having Thursday off work. It was great just having to go to work Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Still think I would prefer to have Monday off instead but its payroll day and so I am needed that day. Its the least I can do, they go out of their way to help me, so I can do this one thing. Four day weekend is a four day weekend either way!

Eek, I’m sitting up doing this post and my back is starting to ache terribly. Thats a sign for me to lie down straight. I’d pop the electric blanket on to get some heat on it but cripes, it is so warm, even with the gusty winds. Another option is to jump in the shower and run the hot tap on my back for a wee while. This can work wonders sometimes. Might just go do it...

Saturday 9th November 2019 - 10.04pm

Changing work hours

I have decided to drop down to working three days per week - Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Too many times, by Thursday I am exhausted and drag myself off to work and really struggle to stay all day, or I don’t make it there at all.Today is my first Thursday at home and I don’t mind saying it feels very strange. I have spent most of the morning feeling like I should be at work. But it was great at work yesterday, knowing that it was actually “my Friday” and I had the next day to rest. The double bonus is that there is a public holiday on Monday, Labour day. I did think for five minutes about going up north to my cousins place for the long weekend, but then reality hit me. Its one thing to drive an hour to Waiuku and quite another to drive 3.5 hours to Helena Bay. Plus its looking at being the usual Labour weekend weather. Its usually always crappy weather and this week has proved no different. The winds have been howling quite strongly this week, making me even quite nervous at the thought of having to drive to work one of the mornings this week.

So yep, I am now doing a new three day working week. It feels very strange to be at this stage of my working life. I have always worked, except when I had the girls although that was a completely different kind of work. To think I have gone from fulltime to part time due to health reasons is quite an unreal feeling. Our GM caught up with me on Monday, asking how I was. He was saying he had noticed that I am taking a lot more time off these days and that he see’s me limping around. We actually had a really good talk and I was quite grateful that he was concerned enough to say something to me. I was very frank with him. I told him that sometimes I wish he would simply lay me off from work, so that I had no choice but to deal with the dreaded Work & Income but he said no, he has no intention of doing that and that he has me covered. How bloody awesome is that! I guess my years of being a good employee and keeping my nose clean has paid off. I am so grateful although as usual, that dreaded guilt still kicks in, although I think it may be lessening ‘slightly’. I really hope with working just the three days, I’ll find it so much easier to deal with.

Life is plodding along as normal, nothing new, nothing bad. I’m waiting for a CT scan appointment. The oncologist wants one done before I go back to see them in December, so we can discuss the results. Hopefully there won’t be anything to discuss and my medication will continue to keep the cancer from spreading any further. I know one day will come the dreaded news that it has moved but hopefullythat won’t be for a while yet. But its always hanging over your head. On one hand, the longer I survive and without the cancer having spread any further, I don’t feel quite so paranoid. But on the other hand, the more that time goes by, I also feel my luck will end one day and the dreaded news will finally be exposed. My thoughts these days are more about how much having cancer has changed me. How it affects me on a daily basis. Not so much how much time I have, although with my fourth anniversary approaching in January, I do wonder how many more I could have left. But most of the time as I am dragging myself around, I can’t believe the difference between who I was even two years ago, to who I am nowadays. Still, I am alive and still have my silly sense of humour and keep making those terrible ‘mum jokes’.

Thursday 24th October 2019 - 3.34pm

Uniting with family

I arrived back home yesterday after spending a long weekend (Friday through to Monday) with my brother and sister in law who live in Waiuku. I hadn’t seen them since my big girl was a baby, although my sister in law and I often chat over ‘messenger’. But there is nothing like being in the presence of people instead of over social media, although it certainly has its uses. I cannot rave about this weekend enough! I cried when I saw my brother, simply due to the emotion of seeing him after so long. He still has that quirky, cheeky grin which I just love. And my sister in law, she is just as I remembered her, has a quiet, placid aura around her with a lovely sense of humour. We talked like we had never been apart. The wonderful thing too was that I got to be reunited with my two nephews who were little boys when I last saw them and who now are family men in their forties! Both lovely young men whom I felt connected to immediately. I’m not too good with keeping regular contact with people, so that is something I need to work on. I am very keen for my girls to meet their cousins as well as their aunty and uncle. A visit before Christmas is definitely called for! I even found the drive good as gold. When I have thought of it previously, regardless of whom I would be visiting out that way, I have felt the drive is too far. Am I deliberately putting obstacles up in the way, or is it a case of giving myself time to adjust to doing something out of the norm. I’ve talked in previous posts about my lack of motivation and how I hope it is just a case of the winter blues and as we head into spring, and sunny days, I will feel more up to doing more. For instance, today I had ear marked going out for shopping for a particular item, but presently I don’t want to. I am happy lounging about. At least I know I have done it (the drive I mean), and it wasn’t as bad as I had perceived and its definitely do-able. That is a huge plus in my book!

And along with that, I have come home raving about this beautiful family and my heart feels full to bursting. Something I haven’t really felt in a long time.  My household has missed me, or some of them anyhow. The blimmin cats have been pretty much glued to me since I arrived home and of course both slept with me, ensuring they were touching me. Funny creatures!

I have today off work and go back tomorrow. It’ll be a super short week for me which is definitely do-able. Can’t believe how quickly time is getting by, its already he middle of yet another month. My sister flies over from Melbourne in the first week of December, for a week. It’ll be here before we know it, followed very quickly by Christmas and with a new year making its presence felt. With the new year comes my fourth anniversary of being ‘terminal’. Its such a dramatic word isn’t it. Yet people don’t understand what stage 4 is or what metastatic is. When I tell people I have stage 4 breast cancer, they will ask things like “so you’re in remission then? You’re cured now? I mean of course that is understandable. Unless you are in the medical profession or are dealing with something like this within your own personal life, you aren’t going to understand. So hence, to get my point across, I use the word ‘terminal’ but I always feel a bit of a drama queen...

Tuesday 15th October 2019 - 12.50pm

Good feels today

I am chilling out at home, after work. Older daughter is cooking dinner, younger daughter has just gone to work and hubby is outside giving the vacuums a good clean out (yep multiple machines). Its lovely...I feel great! I actually feel quite chirpy and alive although my tummy is feeling slightly ravenous. Is there even such a thing as ‘slightly ravenous’???? But you know what I mean.

I had a really quiet weekend, although I went to see my GP on Friday. I needed to talk to him about me self medicating myself and upping my dosage of happy pills, plus a friend had told me that I could well be entitled to having some home help and that I had to apply through my doctor. So my doctor and I did the paperwork on Friday and he sent it off on my behalf. I was told it could be the new year before someone touches base with me, but helloooooooooooooo, I got a phone call this afternoon. Bad news unfortunately. Perhaps that is why I heard so quickly. The long and the short of it is that I’m not eligible because a) I don’t have a community services card (so because I still work, I get penalised) and b) I have abled bodied people at home with me. The lady asked “Could I afford to pay for a cleaner even for an hour myself?” I may think about it, although I resent having to fork out money when like the lady says, I have people at home who can do it, but perhaps it is worth it to save my sanity. I won’t do anything about it just yet, I’ll see how things go. But I appreciate the quick phone call, bad news or not, but at least I’m not hanging on with some hope.

Since my last post, and then putting it up on my facebook page for others to read, I received so many beautiful messages. I think my girls must have read it as well as they seem to have pulled their socks up a bit, I mean I still had to clean the bathroom yesterday, but they have been doing dishes, putting vacuum over, emptying dishwasher, and cooking dinner tonight. Its a start, so lets see how it goes. I am very grateful for those things to be done and even cleaning the shower yesterday didn’t seem too much of a mission. It makes a difference when your not doing everything.

The other thing which has happened since my last post, is that my sister-in-law reached out to me to invite me to go and stay with her and my brother in Waiuku for the coming weekend. I haven’t seen them for many, many years although my sister in law and I chat on messenger from time to time, especially since I was diagnosed with cancer. There is quite a big age difference between us so perhaps that is partially why we haven’t been closer or involved with each others lives. I remember going out to visit them with mum and dad when I was a kid, spending the whole day with them and their young family.  I am going to drive myself, so hope the weather will be clear. I am looking so forward to it, quite excited actually. The thought of catching up and getting to know them again is wonderful not to mention being away from my own place for a whole weekend. Apparently my brother is looking forward to it and is ready to dig out old photos - I think that is just gorgeous 💜- can’t wait! I really look forward to building up a new relationship with them. I have probably heard more from them and had more offers of help than from others I would have expected to have heard from, but haven’t. I am grateful and filled with hope.

I have been feeling so good today and this evening. I remember my GP said I probably wouldn’t feel the full effects of my upping my anti depressants for a full month. Where I could instantly feel some relief, I am wondering if I am beginning to really reap the benefits now. I honestly cannot believe how good I feel, almost like my old self.  I don’t feel remotely tired, although I had a marvellous sleep last night. Makes such a difference...

“Heres to feeling great!”

Monday 7th October 2019 - 6.55pm

             

I’m still here...

It feels like ages since last posting, I can’t even remember when was the last time. There have been numerous times when I have thought about it, whether to share the good, the bad or the ugly but it has simply felt too hard to do so. Tonight, I decided it was time to break the drought.

Its been a real mix of ups and downs but the one thing which remains consistant is my lack of motivation. I’m still trying to find ways of getting passed it and summer will be here in a matter of months and so with that, brings hope.

I have often banged on about feeling forgotten but within a period of a couple of weeks, I have had contact from a few people with whom I haven’t seen or spoken to for ages. These people have made me realise thats not true. We are all busy in our lives and we get caught up on day to day living and before we know it, months or years have gone by and you think “cripes, I’m going to go see that person” or whatever the circumstances may be. And we should follow those thoughts through as it is so worth it to the recipient. For me, I’ve had 4 really ‘wow’ moments with catching up and just recently so the afterglow of their visits and phone calls are still making me feel warm and fuzzy.

I had an oncology appointment last Monday, along with my treatment. My infusions are now 12 weekly andare timed with my visits to the oncologist. I still have to have my hormone injection every 28 days and I can’t believe that I forgot to take the damn injection with me to the hospital last week. I told the oncologist I would go to my GP to have it done (thats what I do for the in between treatment appts now), but in all honesty I just couldn’t be bothered and so to date, I still haven’t had it done. I kind of figure I’ll just wait until my next one is due, I simply can’t be bothered and I think to myself surely missing one hormone injection is not going to make that much of a difference...I hope! This is where my lack of motivation comes in, even something as important as part of my treatment.

I recently had one really awesome weekend, where my dear friend picked me up and took me for a drive to Helensville for lunch and then we wandered around the shops. It was great! Then lo and behold, my lovely cousin picked me up the next day to go for brunch and we ended up zgoing to Wellsford and same thing, wandered around the shops after our meal. What a great weekend, I loved it! If there is ever a time when you think that you would like to do something for me, picking me up to go for a drive is one, or cooking us dinner one night is another, although I appreciate cooking dinner for a family is a bit of an ask, but it could be something like a pot of chop suey, a casserole, something nice and simple. I used to be such a proud person but nowadays, I don’t! I struggle with cooking dinner every night and no one else in the house bothers, regularly anyhow. If I had to choose between having a housekeeper to do the housework, or a cook to do dinner each night, the cook would win hands down! I was going to look into one of those companies that send you fully cooked meals and all you need to do is heat it up. If I did that once a week, and then with another night where we just fend for ourselves, that would make a bit of a difference. But like anything, it all comes down to cost...

I’ve recently had a couple of instances where I have forgotten to take my pain killers, like missed doses completely and so the aches have crept up on me. I have now discovered just how wonderful my oxy meds are! You can definitely tell the difference from when I am in pain and once the meds have kicked in, usually taking about 20 mins to take effect. The pain isn’t a full on pain but more of a subtle dull nagging feeling. Its so unpleasant and such a relief when finally under control. The oncologist is going to send me for another CT scan before my next appointment which will be in December. Hopefully no changes. He was saying that I am doing incredibly well on the exemestane. I’ve been on it coming up four years in January 2020 and the usual time someone is on it, is 12- 18 months, like wow!!!!!! That is something!

Next month is the dreaded pink month, breast cancer awareness month. All the radio ads, pink ribbons, pink fundraisers and so on - ugh! But next month also marks four years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer, November will be four years since my bilateral mastectomy and then January 29th, 2020 - will be four years since being diagnosed terminal. Four years, wow. People will say “aren’t you doing well”, “gosh your so lucky to have lasted that long”. I actually find that quite insulting. Isn’t it stink that I should be grateful because I have lived four years with this shitty disease. Do any of you ‘normal’ people feel grateful that you’ve survived the last four years and hope to get another four? I bet the answer is no...you don’t even think about time or how long you will live to, but yet those of us with terminal diseases should be grateful for surviving a few measly years.

I can honestly say a lot of the time, I hate my life. I hate how cancer has affected me. The constant aches, having to make sure I take regular drugs to ensure the pain doesn’t break through, the complete lack of motivation, the struggle to get up and get ready to go to work, then survive the actual day once I get there. My boring, boring life while for others, you get to go out and do fun things. I went to the mall the other day to get a couple of things from a couple of different shops. I was bloody exhausted by the time I got back to the car. I was sweating like a pig, my back was killing me. I had to come home and crash out for a sleep. Trying to motivate myself to cook dinner can be a huge one. I am usually better doing dinner after I get home from work. I guess because I have already been up and doing stuff. Housework is a joke. No one else at home bothers with it, so invarably I end up doing it. Our bathroom gets cleaned every two to three weeks (ugh, gross) but it takes so much out of my back doing it, especially cleaning the shower. The vacuum goodness knows when...Tell your family to help you, you say. I don’t know how many times I have asked for their help and they are well aware I have terminal cancer, but it doesn’t really seem to mean anything. I eventually get to a point where I cannot stand it any longer and I end up doing it, but then I have to psyche myself up. The same goes for dinner. If I don’t cook, we don’t eat. If its takeaways night, for some reason, its always my shout. And yet I often don’t work a full week and hubbys work is slowly down and I pay ALL the bills.

I hate my life yet I try not to, because I don’t particularly like the alternative either but this cancer ride is no fun. It certainly has a grip on me, I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. No I don’t want counselling, however I have self medicated. I upped my happy pills from 1.5 a day to two a day. Haven’t checked it by the GP but will let them know when I next go. I can feel the effects. While it hasn’t helped my lack of motivation, it has helped with my temper and dark thoughts.

I find sometimes I stop myself updating this blog because my dark moods worry me and that you can’t bear to keep reading it. If that is the case, don’t read it. This blog is for me...to help me lessen the burden on my shoulders. If you don’t like what your reading, then don’t. I have no choice with having this damn wretched terminal cancer. I am stuck with it and so the things I go through is my life and I regularly struggle with it. Remember, you have a choice, I don’t.

Monday 30th September 2019 - 9.35pm