Christmas memories

As we count down to Christmas of 2017 hubby and I were just talking about how yet another Christmas is upon us and how much they have changed. The girls have grown up into young women leading their own lives and for the second year in a row, my baby is away for the night (Christmas eve) and we won’t see her until we meet up at the beach tomorrow. I feel sad in a way, but that is life...she has her own life to lead now, has a young man and another family in her life. Which is wonderful, to know she has such lovely people in her life. All you want for your kids is for them to be happy and for them to  make good choices and my baby girl has done that well. My big girl hasn’t quite gotten that far yet (meeting a young man yet I mean) but she is happy with what she is doing and although she is working until 11.30pm tonight, might be going out with workmates for a little while before coming home...and so she should be...they are only young, they should be going out and enjoying life. Last year the girls went out to a mates for drinks after we got home from their nana’s place where we had spent the day. First time they had ever done that...And  then I think of David and I wonder where he is. Can he see us wherever he is? And I think about the last Christmas we had together before he died.

We were having a quiet Christmas at my sisters place in Glendene...just us with our babies and a couple of my older friends who didn’t have family (we were their family until the friendship got screwed over). David and I, and the girls were supposed to stay the night...it was all organised. And it was lovely - we were all out in the backyard, the kids playing - a perfect family day. The boys had put a hangi down I think...And then some people my brother-in-law had invited over for a drink arrived. I didn’t know them...and so the boys sat with these people drinking and I sat with my friends and the kids and my sister I think was torn...she wanted to be polite to these people or maybe she wanted to join them but because we weren’t joining in, felt a bit awkward. I don’t really know, we never really talked about it. But my friends eventually left and I didn’t want to join in.  With two small babies I wasn’t interested in drinking and so I packed the girls up to go home. I remember my brother in law was quite upset which wasn’t my intention but it wasn’t the Christmas I had envisioned. I think if they had been people I had known, it would have been different..but I just felt awkward so we left...and so we left David there, to get drunk on Christmas night with people he didn’t know. His priority was to get drunk with strangers and not be with his girls. Six months later he was dead...and no more chances for family Christmases and that is my point, you just don’t know what is going to happen. I often think of that last Christmas and how he chose to stay and get drunk. My choice was to go home with my babies. I am sad when I think about it or maybe its more a case of being slightly annoyed that he made that choice but you can’t do anything to change it and none of us knew it would be our last Christmas together as a family.

Christmas has always been important to me, to make sure it was a fun day for the girls. When I was a kid, it was always such a boring day. But thats only because it was just mum and dad, and my sister and I. Poor Mum would be in the kitchen all morning cooking this big beautiful roast with all the trimmings then we’d have a late lunch, my sister I think would usually go to her mates place afterwards and we’d be stuck at home watching TV. As a kid, I could never understand why people were so excited for Christmas Day. When mum was very ill in hospital, dad decided to do a bar-b-q as it was much simpler. I was about 25 or 26 and it was weird, it felt completely strange and the traditional roast was all I had ever known but that was the beginning of a change in Christmas. I think that was mum’s last Christmas. We had all traipsed up to the hospital in the morning to visit her with a rubbish bag full of pressies, took a tape recorder up and the grandkids sang Cliff Richards Mistletoe and Wine...I remember the nursing staff all standing in the doorway of mums room listening, it was so emotional - that song still has the ability to bring a lump to my throat when I hear it.

So Christmas evolves with whoever is around and whatever is happening...for me, it is completely about family and spending time with those you love. I don’t need the presents or the flash food. We have got our picnic food ready to take to the beach and I am happy with it. No puddings to either take with us or to feast on when we get home. The kids weren’t fussed and I am happy to not have to indulge. The kids and I are looking forward to going to the beach. Hubby has mixed feelings about it I know but I really appreciate his just going along with it. He has even got his fishing gear out to take with us so that tells me, he is going to make the most of it and I love that!

So all these Christmas memories have come flooding back and with it has brought our latest Christmas Day to us. Hubby is fast asleep beside me (slightly piddled) and neither of my girls home. I don’t ever want to be one of those mums who clings on to her kids - I want them to go out and make their own life,  not revolve it around me (but please don’t forget me) but I have to admit at times I struggle. Even tonight with it just being hubby and I at home, I was torn between enjoying the quietness and emptiness of the house, yet knowing it is Christmas Eve and that my banies weren’t here.

Even on Friday night we had a few people from work around and I felt very much a generational difference between them and me. I felt like I didn’t belong...I definitely felt a divide between them and me. Certainly not in a personal way and probably not in a one on one situation but as a group, I definitely felt out of place. Yet hubby was there, his younger brother was there and one of my close workmates who is slightly younger than me, was there so it wasn’t like I was the only ‘oldie’. I don’t know why I feel like that. Maybe its just the load I carry on my shoulders...

But hey, another special day is upon us so lets enjoy it - at a much more reasonable hour! I think I can hear simging coming from somewhere, not drunk singing but like a church choir and goddammit, a bloody alarm keeps going off every 10 or 15 mins. Its very faint, probanly coming from one of the girls rooms but it better not keep me awake...sometimes those quiet noises in the dead of night are like a set of drums going off for me...

Christmas Day 2017 - 12.46am