Changing work hours

I have decided to drop down to working three days per week - Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Too many times, by Thursday I am exhausted and drag myself off to work and really struggle to stay all day, or I don’t make it there at all.Today is my first Thursday at home and I don’t mind saying it feels very strange. I have spent most of the morning feeling like I should be at work. But it was great at work yesterday, knowing that it was actually “my Friday” and I had the next day to rest. The double bonus is that there is a public holiday on Monday, Labour day. I did think for five minutes about going up north to my cousins place for the long weekend, but then reality hit me. Its one thing to drive an hour to Waiuku and quite another to drive 3.5 hours to Helena Bay. Plus its looking at being the usual Labour weekend weather. Its usually always crappy weather and this week has proved no different. The winds have been howling quite strongly this week, making me even quite nervous at the thought of having to drive to work one of the mornings this week.

So yep, I am now doing a new three day working week. It feels very strange to be at this stage of my working life. I have always worked, except when I had the girls although that was a completely different kind of work. To think I have gone from fulltime to part time due to health reasons is quite an unreal feeling. Our GM caught up with me on Monday, asking how I was. He was saying he had noticed that I am taking a lot more time off these days and that he see’s me limping around. We actually had a really good talk and I was quite grateful that he was concerned enough to say something to me. I was very frank with him. I told him that sometimes I wish he would simply lay me off from work, so that I had no choice but to deal with the dreaded Work & Income but he said no, he has no intention of doing that and that he has me covered. How bloody awesome is that! I guess my years of being a good employee and keeping my nose clean has paid off. I am so grateful although as usual, that dreaded guilt still kicks in, although I think it may be lessening ‘slightly’. I really hope with working just the three days, I’ll find it so much easier to deal with.

Life is plodding along as normal, nothing new, nothing bad. I’m waiting for a CT scan appointment. The oncologist wants one done before I go back to see them in December, so we can discuss the results. Hopefully there won’t be anything to discuss and my medication will continue to keep the cancer from spreading any further. I know one day will come the dreaded news that it has moved but hopefullythat won’t be for a while yet. But its always hanging over your head. On one hand, the longer I survive and without the cancer having spread any further, I don’t feel quite so paranoid. But on the other hand, the more that time goes by, I also feel my luck will end one day and the dreaded news will finally be exposed. My thoughts these days are more about how much having cancer has changed me. How it affects me on a daily basis. Not so much how much time I have, although with my fourth anniversary approaching in January, I do wonder how many more I could have left. But most of the time as I am dragging myself around, I can’t believe the difference between who I was even two years ago, to who I am nowadays. Still, I am alive and still have my silly sense of humour and keep making those terrible ‘mum jokes’.

Thursday 24th October 2019 - 3.34pm

Uniting with family

I arrived back home yesterday after spending a long weekend (Friday through to Monday) with my brother and sister in law who live in Waiuku. I hadn’t seen them since my big girl was a baby, although my sister in law and I often chat over ‘messenger’. But there is nothing like being in the presence of people instead of over social media, although it certainly has its uses. I cannot rave about this weekend enough! I cried when I saw my brother, simply due to the emotion of seeing him after so long. He still has that quirky, cheeky grin which I just love. And my sister in law, she is just as I remembered her, has a quiet, placid aura around her with a lovely sense of humour. We talked like we had never been apart. The wonderful thing too was that I got to be reunited with my two nephews who were little boys when I last saw them and who now are family men in their forties! Both lovely young men whom I felt connected to immediately. I’m not too good with keeping regular contact with people, so that is something I need to work on. I am very keen for my girls to meet their cousins as well as their aunty and uncle. A visit before Christmas is definitely called for! I even found the drive good as gold. When I have thought of it previously, regardless of whom I would be visiting out that way, I have felt the drive is too far. Am I deliberately putting obstacles up in the way, or is it a case of giving myself time to adjust to doing something out of the norm. I’ve talked in previous posts about my lack of motivation and how I hope it is just a case of the winter blues and as we head into spring, and sunny days, I will feel more up to doing more. For instance, today I had ear marked going out for shopping for a particular item, but presently I don’t want to. I am happy lounging about. At least I know I have done it (the drive I mean), and it wasn’t as bad as I had perceived and its definitely do-able. That is a huge plus in my book!

And along with that, I have come home raving about this beautiful family and my heart feels full to bursting. Something I haven’t really felt in a long time.  My household has missed me, or some of them anyhow. The blimmin cats have been pretty much glued to me since I arrived home and of course both slept with me, ensuring they were touching me. Funny creatures!

I have today off work and go back tomorrow. It’ll be a super short week for me which is definitely do-able. Can’t believe how quickly time is getting by, its already he middle of yet another month. My sister flies over from Melbourne in the first week of December, for a week. It’ll be here before we know it, followed very quickly by Christmas and with a new year making its presence felt. With the new year comes my fourth anniversary of being ‘terminal’. Its such a dramatic word isn’t it. Yet people don’t understand what stage 4 is or what metastatic is. When I tell people I have stage 4 breast cancer, they will ask things like “so you’re in remission then? You’re cured now? I mean of course that is understandable. Unless you are in the medical profession or are dealing with something like this within your own personal life, you aren’t going to understand. So hence, to get my point across, I use the word ‘terminal’ but I always feel a bit of a drama queen...

Tuesday 15th October 2019 - 12.50pm

Good feels today

I am chilling out at home, after work. Older daughter is cooking dinner, younger daughter has just gone to work and hubby is outside giving the vacuums a good clean out (yep multiple machines). Its lovely...I feel great! I actually feel quite chirpy and alive although my tummy is feeling slightly ravenous. Is there even such a thing as ‘slightly ravenous’???? But you know what I mean.

I had a really quiet weekend, although I went to see my GP on Friday. I needed to talk to him about me self medicating myself and upping my dosage of happy pills, plus a friend had told me that I could well be entitled to having some home help and that I had to apply through my doctor. So my doctor and I did the paperwork on Friday and he sent it off on my behalf. I was told it could be the new year before someone touches base with me, but helloooooooooooooo, I got a phone call this afternoon. Bad news unfortunately. Perhaps that is why I heard so quickly. The long and the short of it is that I’m not eligible because a) I don’t have a community services card (so because I still work, I get penalised) and b) I have abled bodied people at home with me. The lady asked “Could I afford to pay for a cleaner even for an hour myself?” I may think about it, although I resent having to fork out money when like the lady says, I have people at home who can do it, but perhaps it is worth it to save my sanity. I won’t do anything about it just yet, I’ll see how things go. But I appreciate the quick phone call, bad news or not, but at least I’m not hanging on with some hope.

Since my last post, and then putting it up on my facebook page for others to read, I received so many beautiful messages. I think my girls must have read it as well as they seem to have pulled their socks up a bit, I mean I still had to clean the bathroom yesterday, but they have been doing dishes, putting vacuum over, emptying dishwasher, and cooking dinner tonight. Its a start, so lets see how it goes. I am very grateful for those things to be done and even cleaning the shower yesterday didn’t seem too much of a mission. It makes a difference when your not doing everything.

The other thing which has happened since my last post, is that my sister-in-law reached out to me to invite me to go and stay with her and my brother in Waiuku for the coming weekend. I haven’t seen them for many, many years although my sister in law and I chat on messenger from time to time, especially since I was diagnosed with cancer. There is quite a big age difference between us so perhaps that is partially why we haven’t been closer or involved with each others lives. I remember going out to visit them with mum and dad when I was a kid, spending the whole day with them and their young family.  I am going to drive myself, so hope the weather will be clear. I am looking so forward to it, quite excited actually. The thought of catching up and getting to know them again is wonderful not to mention being away from my own place for a whole weekend. Apparently my brother is looking forward to it and is ready to dig out old photos - I think that is just gorgeous 💜- can’t wait! I really look forward to building up a new relationship with them. I have probably heard more from them and had more offers of help than from others I would have expected to have heard from, but haven’t. I am grateful and filled with hope.

I have been feeling so good today and this evening. I remember my GP said I probably wouldn’t feel the full effects of my upping my anti depressants for a full month. Where I could instantly feel some relief, I am wondering if I am beginning to really reap the benefits now. I honestly cannot believe how good I feel, almost like my old self.  I don’t feel remotely tired, although I had a marvellous sleep last night. Makes such a difference...

“Heres to feeling great!”

Monday 7th October 2019 - 6.55pm