Feel like I am becoming my mum

I am home sick today, second day in a row. Carrying on from a three day weekend of feeling absolutely crap and constantly nauseous.  I was popping my nausea meds like lollies to no avail. I finally dragged myself off to the doctors yesterday to try and find out what it was. I had to get taken into the nurses room to lie down on the bed because I wasn’t coping too well out in the waiting room. She took my temperature and blood pressure which were both high. That surprised me...I don’t know why really. I didn’t really expect it to be anything I guess. Turns out it is probably just a virus but because I hadn’t been able to eat or drink anything I had exasperated it and dehydrated myself. Silly moo...but I’m on the road to recovery very slowly. I’m not quite so continually sicky feeling but neither has it gone, plus I still have a high temperature.

I think of my mum in her latter years of life where she was very ill and basically bedridden. I remember her getting frustrated because she would never sleep the whole night through and many times I remember seeing her propped up in bed or sitting on the side of the bed absolutely sick of herself or making little mewing noises because she felt so bloody goddam awful. This is me now...not just the last few nights but when I have bad pain during the night and I am frustrated with myself and the ongoing aches I have to endure. Poor mum, I often think of her and see her clear as day during these times, with a complete understanding or should I say a better understanding of what she had to go through. Getting through the night on your own without waking anyone else. I want to turn the light on but I don’t because I don’t want to wake hubby up.  The boredom, the loneliness and all you want to do is bloody well go back to sleep. Its hard to put into words the exact feeling but the thought of waking in the early hours of the morning fill me with dread. Even my arms get jumpy, just lying still - I feel like I need to ferociously rub them to get some life back into them, and then my imagination starts to run riot and I think am I having a stroke, or am I dying...is something else going on in my body - crazy! So hope as I get a bit better each day, I can sleep longer into the morning to my usual wake time. And after such a brilliant week last week too!

I’d been to work all four days, for the whole day and felt so damn good with it. I was feeling so positive. But never mind, this is simply a slight push back - next week is another one where I can start afresh.

Wonder when I’ll get back to work? Tomorrow? Thursday? Who knows, but I do know I won’t be pushing myself too early - its just not worth it. I even feel too crappy to feel guilty about being off work...that says something doesn’t it.

Tuesday 23rd July 2019 - 1.45pm