Feel like a human 🙂

First day back at work today, after being off sick all last week. Actually felt human - what a change! I felt so damn awful last week, so it felt so wonderful being back at work and feeling on top of the world again.

Heres hoping for a great week!

If I was still having my treatments every 28 days, today would’ve been the day. I was still supposed to traipse into the city to go to the hospital to have my hormone injection which I still need every 28 days. I was fighting it last night, and this morning, just could not summon up the enthusiasm to go all the way in, so ended up making an appointment at my GP’s to have it done there instead. It was so much easier! The oncologist probably won’t be too thrilled as he still wanted me to go there so all my records in one place but I figure the important thing is having the injection on time. Regardless of where abouts I go to have it done.

Last week I finally perked up about Thursday where I was able to not gag and carry on but Friday is my normal day off and so with the weekend, I still didn’t feel too much like getting out and about. But honestly, by Saturday I was ready to rip my hair out with frustration. I was fed up with being stuck at home, but neither did I really have the oomph to go anywhere, not to mention not having anywhere to go...I was so fed up, I broke down in tears - mainly because everyone else in the house had somewhere to go. Once I released that torrent of emotion, I felt so much better. I hate crying but I hate doing it in front of someone, so at least I was able to do it privately.  And I was able to go out on Sunday and catch up with a good friend who lives out of Auckland, along with another friend. Was just what the doctor ordered, definitely saved my sanity.

So I look forward to having a positive week, I feel really good and that can only be a good start.

Monday 29th July 2019 - 7.35pm

Feel like I am becoming my mum

I am home sick today, second day in a row. Carrying on from a three day weekend of feeling absolutely crap and constantly nauseous.  I was popping my nausea meds like lollies to no avail. I finally dragged myself off to the doctors yesterday to try and find out what it was. I had to get taken into the nurses room to lie down on the bed because I wasn’t coping too well out in the waiting room. She took my temperature and blood pressure which were both high. That surprised me...I don’t know why really. I didn’t really expect it to be anything I guess. Turns out it is probably just a virus but because I hadn’t been able to eat or drink anything I had exasperated it and dehydrated myself. Silly moo...but I’m on the road to recovery very slowly. I’m not quite so continually sicky feeling but neither has it gone, plus I still have a high temperature.

I think of my mum in her latter years of life where she was very ill and basically bedridden. I remember her getting frustrated because she would never sleep the whole night through and many times I remember seeing her propped up in bed or sitting on the side of the bed absolutely sick of herself or making little mewing noises because she felt so bloody goddam awful. This is me now...not just the last few nights but when I have bad pain during the night and I am frustrated with myself and the ongoing aches I have to endure. Poor mum, I often think of her and see her clear as day during these times, with a complete understanding or should I say a better understanding of what she had to go through. Getting through the night on your own without waking anyone else. I want to turn the light on but I don’t because I don’t want to wake hubby up.  The boredom, the loneliness and all you want to do is bloody well go back to sleep. Its hard to put into words the exact feeling but the thought of waking in the early hours of the morning fill me with dread. Even my arms get jumpy, just lying still - I feel like I need to ferociously rub them to get some life back into them, and then my imagination starts to run riot and I think am I having a stroke, or am I dying...is something else going on in my body - crazy! So hope as I get a bit better each day, I can sleep longer into the morning to my usual wake time. And after such a brilliant week last week too!

I’d been to work all four days, for the whole day and felt so damn good with it. I was feeling so positive. But never mind, this is simply a slight push back - next week is another one where I can start afresh.

Wonder when I’ll get back to work? Tomorrow? Thursday? Who knows, but I do know I won’t be pushing myself too early - its just not worth it. I even feel too crappy to feel guilty about being off work...that says something doesn’t it.

Tuesday 23rd July 2019 - 1.45pm

General catch up - July 2019

Its been a wee while since last posting anything.  No reason other than laziness.  There have been multiple times when I have felt like having a catch up - for no particular reason other than to share happy / contented moments or sad / concerned moments.  Nothing too ground shattering, just moments in time which will never be gotten back and sometimes as they are happening, you feel like you're going to remember that moment forever.  But in reality and especially my reality, I am so forgetful.  So as one moment passes and another occurs - I have already forgotten the minutes gone by.  I don't even know if that makes sense.

I went for my latest CT scan the other week and am happy to say it has come out all clear.  The cancer continues to stay put (yippee) and Reuben (oncologist) said I have a rather healthy looking brain.  Awesome to hear!  He seems to think the nausea I suffer is from the oxycodene I take (30mg each evening and only the mornings when I don't go to work) as it is morphine based and makes you drowsy.  So he has tweaked my script for those, and it is probably starting to make a difference now.  Not feeling nausea quite so often as I used to. It's really just a matter of finding ways that suit you to handle different situations.  The last few weeks I have struggled terribly with making it to work, or once I get to work, actually staying there for the full six hours I am supposed to be there. The feelings of guilt were kicking in once again big time.  Last week I was ready to hand in my resignation.  Almost had myself completely convinced and was ready to talk to my supervisor about how I was feeling, until I walked in the door at work the next day and actually felt like a blimmin million bucks! And not in the least bit like chucking my job in any time soon.  Or even remotely discussing it.  That was Thursday, I don't work Fridays, so I spent my three day weekend looking for stories to watch or listen to, of inspiration.  To try reminding myself just how lucky I am, compared to so many others.  Time to stop this constant feeling sorry for myself / hating my life / dwelling on the effects from the cancer and meds etc. The fact of the matter is that I have stage four breast cancer - time to embrace my life instead of fighting it.

For the last two days, I have felt absolutely brilliant - getting through the working day quite easily, although it entails having a bit of a snooze in the evening for a couple of hours, getting back up for another couple of hours and then back to bed for the rest of the night.  I found a woman on youtube who I felt was talking directly to me.  I'd been searching a wee while for someone - I knew what I was after but wasn't quite sure how to go about finding it specifically.  She kind of fell into my lap, and was so great, I can't bloody well remember her name!

Friday gone (12th July) it was our 11th wedding anniversary. I can still remember how much fun it all was, the prep the night before and the whole of our wedding day. It was simply, the best day ever. I loved every moment of it. Well most of it anyhow, apart from a bit of a glitch but just not worth going into an explanation. But anyhow, I bet last year if I posted around about our anniversary, I will have said much the same thing, remembering the fun we had prepping etc. It honestly was magical. But anyhow, we didn’t celebrate our anniversary in any way although hubby got our big girl to go out during the day and buy some long stemmed red roses - 11 of them! Plus a large box of roses choccies. How gorgeous is that! Funny ol’ bugger. He’s not the least bit romantic, but he has his moments. The fact that he wanted 11 roses, one for every year, I thought was just adorable!

And then today, four days later, it is his birthday. The big 58, although he looks nothing like it. Another two years and he’ll be celebrating his 60th! He’s gone off to darts tonight, so will have had a few drinks with the boys, which is good. Beats sitting here at home watching TV by himself while I sit up in the bedroom watching stuff on the ipad. After dropping her uncle off at the club, our baby girl did a run to Burger King for dinner. I am so sick of cooking...I thoroughly enjoyed my burger - yum yum yum!

So while there has probably been other stuff going on, I have no recollection of it. I hope I can get through tomorrow and Thursday with as much life and enthusiasm as I’ve had the last two days. Feels great. Might go suss this woman out before I go sleepy byes and have a wee listen to her. It really makes such a difference from when I am feeling tired, sore and my whole body feels heavy, to feeling how I used to for the first couple of years after diagnosis. Still no putting pressure on myself, take each day as it comes.

On that note, have a great rest of the week. Take care and please feel free to leave a comment or ask questions if you have any.

Oops, one more thing to note. The oncologist has decided to stretch my bone strengthening infusions out to every 12 weeks instead of every 28 days. The zoladronic acid can play havoc with your gums and jaw bones and since I have been on this stuff for three years solid now, he feels it is time to break it up. I thought yippee!!! No more having to leave the office to traipse up to the hospital until he then went on to say, he still wants me to go there for my injection, which I still need to take every 28 days. My injection which takes all of a minute to take...no I cannot go to our local hospital, or to my GP - both which are a hop, skip and a jump away from home, but have to continue going into town for a 1 minute injection, because he wants all the notes together in one file. Probably in another six months time, these will go to three monthly along with the infusion. I can’t wait!

So thats my postscript for the night. All the best xx

Tuesday 16th July 2019 - 10.45pm