I felt like last week I pretty much hit rock bottom with my emotions. It had been boiling up for a while and my youngest daughter was the lucky recipient to be on the receiving end. She was wonderful...just held her mumma in her arms while I sobbed my heart out, big huge wracking gulps, trying to tell her how I felt and probably not making much sense until I was able to finally calm down.
I’d been in so much pain, what meds had been working a month or so back was now no longer...the pain had been intensifying without any reason that I could think of. I already know the disease is stable but of course you can’t help but wonder if it has moved its position, but for me for now, not really. I am confident enough to feel it hasn’t moved any further. I think now that cancer has infiltrated my bones, it will slowly work its way through my body, to a certain point and once it hits soft tissue it will become a different story.
After my breaking down last week, I knew I had to do something to help myself get my life back on track. Firstly I went to see my GP to talk about upping the dosage of my pain meds...done! And thankfully, working so far...just need to tweak how and when I take them so I’m not falling asleep at work, so this week has been a bit of a trial. I feel like I could be winning. Secondly, I rang Sweet Louise about getting counselling, which was sorted very quickly and I am happy to say I went yesterday after work. But in the interim, after seeing my GP, I took a really close look at myself and didn’t like what I was seeing. I’ve said it before but this time I listened to myself...only I can make myself happy and change my life. No one can do it for me, or be expected to. My life needs to be more than lying on the bed, either crocheting or watching TVNZ on demand...not that theres anything wrong with those things but not every moment I am at home. And I think my slouching on the bed has a lot to do with the pain I have been feeling in my back and flanks...so I now try to sit up in the lounge...try and do a few stretching exercises and what a difference those couple of things have made. I also decided I need to start doing things to enjoy life. So last night I spoke to my girls and we have booked to go and see Cirque Du Soleil in March. Hubby is going to the Gold Coast that same weekend for his nieces wedding, so the girls and I will do this. I have ALWAYS wanted to go and see this show, but haven’t always liked the theme at the time they have been performing. I am so excited!!!! I had decided I would ask my girls first if they wanted to go, I knew one of them had mentioned it in the past but if for some reason they didn’t or couldn’t, I was going to put something on facebook to see if I could find a mate there. It will be lovely to share this experience with the girls. We are close, but they are off living their own lives now and I miss them, I miss us doing things together...so this will be just lovely.
Hubby is going to Raro in November with his darts team and he has asked the girls and I to go - he wants his family to be with him. We have decided we would like to...while he will be off out with his team, the girls and I are looking at staying at a resort and simply chilling out poolside...another thing I am looking forward to - yay!
I have also decided I would like to try water walking on a Friday during the day. Not for any other reason than it is a nice gentle exercise, I love the water - I’ve tried water walking before and enjoyed it. I was going to try and start today, and may not get there but thats ok. I think I have done a bloody awesome job of being proactive and you can’t do everything at once. I booked our show tickets last night, today I want to go to the shop where I get my mastectomy bra’s, as my Sweet Louise vouchers are almost at their end date and I don’t want to waste them and this is the last Friday before they expire. I much prefer doing these sorts of things on my Friday off leaving the weekend free to do whatever.
By the time I got to see the counsellor yesterday, I was already pretty much in recovery mode, so I don’t feel I need to go back to see her again. She helped me with a few ideas and she validated other thoughts and ideas I had, so I feel like my life is getting back on track...and it feels wonderful!
What is the reason for the change of heart? I had a hospital appointment the other day and the doctor said to me something along the lines of “nowadays cancer in the bones is being treated as a chronic illness”. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this but my ears must have been turned on because I heard this simple sentence loud and clear! It was like I had an epithany...I need to stop being a victim...I have a life to live and I want to have fun while I’m doing it. Ok, so I may experience pain in amongst it and have down days...but I want to start living and I want to be able to look back and remember the fun times I had.
I feel marvellous! I feel excited! I am so glad to be alive and I no longer feel like I hate my life. Something I had been saying for a number of weeks now...
A week ago I would never have dreamt I would feel so good...thats what I mean when I say ‘how quickly your mood can change’.
Thank you everyone for listening and hanging in there with me.
Have a wonderful weekend 💜
Friday 22nd February 2019 - 10.45am
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