Day 1 of the rest of my life...

Its some ridiculous time of the morning. I’ve already been asleep but woken up and so now experiencing a momentary lapse of sleeplessness...I thought it could be a good time to share my weekend so far with you...

I wrote in my previous post about starting to live life again and I think I’ve made a bloody good start. You already know about my Friday and going off to buy togs, mastectomy bra’s etc. i had talked about starting water walking but didn’t manage to make it this weekend. I know for a fact, I’m not even remotely interested in going Sunday morning so that plan will be executed some time in the near future hopefully. I already feel the benefit of a few stretching exercises. I can only assume water walking will be great for me.

I had a lovely lie in this morning - then mid morning got a call from my cousin inviting me to go out for brunch which I promptly accepted! We went for a drive up to Kumeu and went to a place called ‘Carriages’. We’ve been there a few times but not for ages, and I really enjoyed going for the drive to get there. My cousin must’ve taken pity on me and decided to go on a bit of a tiki tour. I thoroughly enjoyed it...I lobe it when other people are driving! 

Needless to say I took the ol’ crocheting with me and worked on my blanket both during the drive there and home, and at the cafe waiting for our food to arrive 😂

When I got dropped home, hubby wanted us to go up to the hospital to visit his mum. She’s been there for a week or so, and I personally haven’t seeen her for months. Time I pulled finger and spent some more time with her. She’s not too well and there are some concerns regarding her health but it was lovely to spend the afternoon up there with her. The icing on the cake being there was that our sister in law and two grown nieces srrived not too long after us, so it was a great catch up time for all.

By the time we got home, it was early evening...Saturday gone.

Remember this may not seem like much to you, or is all stuff you quite easily do, day in, day out but I’ve been in so much pain, been feeling so down hating my life, with not an ounce of motivation in my body - that doing all this stuff over the last two days has been quite momentous for me. And I feel super proud of myself,  not to mention the immense feeling of pleasure getting out of the house for something other than going to work, or going for my treatment. Such a great feeling...

One more day to go before starting a new week of work. Two days of doing stuff and still another day to go. I honestly can’t reiterate how much of a difference it makes, having Fridays off. When I think how long I fought off making that decision and now look at me! Bloody stubborn ol’ biddy...

I’ll leave it there for now...my tummy is starting to growl so looks like it could be time to go on the prowl checking out snacks in the kitchen...

Sunday 24th February 2019 - 3.07am

How quickly your mood can change

Bloody hell, I was just about to start a new post when my husband and I got a fright with our ol’ grey cat ‘Storm’. Storm went to get up from his position on the bed but couldn’t stand up, he just kept rolling over. Gave us a hell of a fright. A few minutes later and Storm had composed himself and appeared to be ok, but this old mother hen was watching over him like a hawk - I can’t bear the thought of anything happening to my ‘big guy’ - thats what I always call him. We’ve had him from a kitten, coming up 10 possibly 11 years. Almost put me off my train of thought, but not quite...🙂

I felt like last week I pretty much hit rock bottom with my emotions. It had been boiling up for a while and my youngest daughter was the lucky recipient to be on the receiving end. She was wonderful...just held her mumma in her arms while I sobbed my heart out, big huge wracking gulps, trying to tell her how I felt and probably not making much sense until I was able to finally calm down.

I’d been in so much pain, what meds had been working a month or so back was now no longer...the pain had been intensifying without any reason that I could think of. I already know the disease is stable but of course you can’t help but wonder if it has moved its position, but for me for now, not really. I am confident enough to feel it hasn’t moved any further. I think now that cancer has infiltrated my bones, it will slowly work its way through my body, to a certain point and once it hits soft tissue it will become a different story.

After my breaking down last week, I knew I had to do something to help myself get my life back on track. Firstly I went to see my GP to talk about upping the dosage of my pain meds...done! And thankfully, working so far...just need to tweak how and when I take them so I’m not falling asleep at work, so this week has been a bit of a trial. I feel like I could be winning. Secondly, I rang Sweet Louise about getting counselling, which was sorted very quickly and I am happy to say I went yesterday after work. But in the interim, after seeing my GP, I took a really close look at myself and didn’t like what I was seeing. I’ve said it before but this time I listened to myself...only I can make myself happy and change my life. No one can do it for me, or be expected to. My life needs to be more than lying on the bed, either crocheting or watching TVNZ on demand...not that theres anything wrong with those things but not every moment I am at home. And I think my slouching on the bed has a lot to do with the pain I have been feeling in my back and flanks...so I now try to sit up in the lounge...try and do a few stretching exercises and what a difference those couple of things have made. I also decided I need to start doing things to enjoy life. So last night I spoke to my girls and we have booked to go and see Cirque Du Soleil in March. Hubby is going to the Gold Coast that same weekend for his nieces wedding, so the girls and I will do this. I have ALWAYS wanted to go and see this show, but haven’t always liked the theme at the time they have been performing. I am so excited!!!! I had decided I would ask my girls first if they wanted to go, I knew one of them had mentioned it in the past but if for some reason they didn’t or couldn’t, I was going to put something on facebook to see if  I could find a mate there. It will be lovely to share this experience with the girls. We are close, but they are off living their own lives now and I miss them, I miss us doing things together...so this will be just lovely.

Hubby is going to Raro in November with his darts team and he has asked the girls and I to go - he wants his family to be with him. We have decided we would like to...while he will be off out with his team, the girls and I are looking at staying at a resort and simply chilling out poolside...another thing I am looking forward to - yay!

I have also decided I would like to try water walking on a Friday during the day. Not for any other reason than it is a nice gentle exercise, I love the water - I’ve tried water walking before and enjoyed it. I was going to try and start today, and may not get there but thats ok. I think I have done a bloody awesome job of being proactive and you can’t do everything at once. I booked our show tickets last night, today I want to go to the shop where I get my mastectomy bra’s, as my Sweet Louise vouchers are almost at their end date and I don’t want to waste them and this is the last Friday before they expire. I much prefer doing these sorts of things on my Friday off leaving the weekend free to do whatever.

By the time I got to see the counsellor yesterday, I was already pretty much in recovery mode, so I don’t feel I need to go back to see her again. She helped me with a few ideas and she validated other thoughts and ideas I had, so I feel like my life is getting back on track...and it feels wonderful!

What is the reason for the change of heart? I had a hospital appointment the other day and the doctor said to me something along the lines of “nowadays cancer in the bones is being treated as a chronic illness”. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this but my ears must have been turned on because I heard this simple sentence loud and clear! It was like I had an epithany...I need to stop being a victim...I have a life to live and I want to have fun while I’m doing it. Ok, so I may experience pain in amongst it and have down days...but I want to start living and I want to be able to look back and remember the fun times I had.

I feel marvellous! I feel excited! I am so glad to be alive and I no longer feel like I hate my life. Something I had been saying for a number of weeks now...

A week ago I would never have dreamt I would feel so good...thats what I mean when I say ‘how quickly your mood can change’.

Thank you everyone for listening and hanging in there with me.
Have a wonderful weekend 💜

Friday 22nd February 2019 - 10.45am

Social media

Its Friday morning, the start of my three day weekend which is simply wonderful and makes such a difference. I’ve slept in, gotten up to take my first lot of pain meds for the day and was trawling through facebook while I waited for those meds to kick in. I happen to come across a video by a young Australian woman called Constance Hall. All I know is that Constance is a well known blogger. I don’t know much about her although I have heard her name numerous times. Anyhow, in this video she was talking about the amount of abuse and bullying she receives on social media and she read out some of the hateful things that had been said. I had tears rolling down my face for a woman I didn’t know and my heart filled with anger and disgust at these cowardly and hateful beings. What has happened to us? Even when I read news posts about people getting killed or whatever the story may be - the posts which follow can be so hateful. Everyone has an opinion and certainly voices it - in written form. Do people have more courage when they are hiding behind a screen and feel they can say whatever they like? What do you call those people who deliberately bombard  posts wth hateful messages? (One of my blank moments). Everything you say, they twist it. I felt so compelled to look up Constance Hall and leave her an encouraging message. I will never see this woman, I will never hear from her, our paths will never cross but I felt so helpless after hearing the hate she has had to endure, a part of me simply had to make known to her that someone albeit a complete stranger had her back, even though it won’t stop the haters. But so long as you know amongst the haters, there are the good guys too.

It made me think though. I recently had an altercation with someone over messenger. It didn’t start out that way, in fact it was started for a positive reason. But a response I received from my message upset me, and as I tell people now, I lose my rag very quickly these days - my tolerance is at an all time low. So I vocalised my pissed offness to this person (and of course everyone else who was a part of the discussion) and then promptly left the group. It has since blown up completely out of proportion and has caused a huge rift but it made me think,..Am I no better than those hateful, hurtful people?  am I also a cyber bully of sorts? I completely put my hand up and own that I started it. The  danger of when communication is done in written form, you are unable to have an understanding of how something is ‘said’. The expression we use when verbally explaining something can give a sentence a completely different meaning. And so the danger of reading something and misunderstanding it, is quite probable. And I think it was in this case. I received a berating from this person or persons I should say, which was quite hurtful. I believe to a degree I deserved it, or needing some form of being told to pull my head in, but actually what was said and how it was said has been quite hurtful.  I can’t bring myself to read those messages again but I spent the most part of that weekend feeling very unwell - I felt like my aches and pains had magnified on a huge scale, so I don’t know if being under stress of any kind, can play a part in how your body functions - does that even make sense?

This isn’t the first time I’ve shot myself in the foot because of my intolerance...I was never like this before cancer. But unfortunately, along with my lack of tolerance these days, I don’t forgive too easily. I certainly don’t forget...I was saying to my older daughter last night, by the time I kick the bucket, I will have alienated everyone around me - because I can’t keep my damn mouth shut.

So I guess the lesson here, is think before you say or write something! Once its out, you can’t take it back. You may be able ro use the words “I’m sorry” but they don’t make the words disappear like they were never there. Thats my problem these days, I’m too reactionary and instantly. I need to learn to stop, think, give it a few minutes (or more) before responding. Only time will tell whether I ever take my own advice on...

But something we should take on board - be kind to one another.

Friday 1st February 2019 - 1.01pm