Its after midnight, which means mothers day is over for another year.. I was surprised by my babies with a gift, which I had told them not to buy and then the girls took me out for lunch - which was just lovely. All cafes were packed (of course) but it was enjoyable sitting and chatting and having a catch up. We have felt very divided lately, all going in separate directions so was definitely great having that time together.
I have been finding lately I don’t find much pleasure in anything really these days. My heart feels full of anger and hatred and I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t feel close enough to anyone to talk to. I feel closed off from everyone, except for hubby and my three babies but I don’t want to talk to them either. I feel like the cancer has spread into my heart...and I’m worried that by feeling like this, it will literally spread everywhere and like wild fire.
I have zilch tolerance, I don’t feel happy for anyone, I have no enthusiasm for anyone or anything. I just know I am consumed by anger and hatred...and I don’t know how to relieve myself of it. I struggle on a daily basis conversing with people - I try but my heart is just not in it. I don’t have it in me to spend time with anyone or go anywhere - this stretches to places as simple as the gas station to fill the car up, except I know I have to do it otherwise I can’t go to work. Work is about the only thing that has a hold of me but without that, I don’t get any money and then I can’t pay my bills. But even there I struggle daily to cope. I want to scream at everyone to shut the fuck up, and slam the door to our office to block out the noise.
I am in pain every day and although I try to keep up with my pain meds every four hours, I forget or like today, I didn’t take any with me and so by the time we got home this afternoon, I was so tired and sore. I hate this stupid cancer...I hate what it does to me and I don’t know what to do. I am sick of being good natured and having a great attitude. I am sick of being grateful for small mercies. I hate everything...I hate this stupid life...but its all I have.
I just put my name down tonight to volunteer for Daffodil Day in August...why did I even do that? Cos I just can’t bloody help myself! I have to do the right bloody thing and ‘give back’. What a load of fucking bollocks...give back to what???? Give back because I received help after being diagnosed with this stupid cancer? OMG, I am an idiot...I am a hateful, angry, bitter and twisted cancerous old bitch... and I just fucking hate life at the moment.
Monday 14th May 2018 - 12.49am
Awww Tania my heart goes out to you! You have every right to feel angry and I know that people that know and love you will understand that! When you're up to having a visitor txt or ring me and I'll be there, we don't have to talk if ya don't want to!!
ReplyDeleteOMG Anna, you are welcome anytime. Its been a really bad week (or so) and just needed to vent. Look forward to seeing you soon xx
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